My partner is severely depressed and I don't know how to help

[officeguy33]

Hi. I've been with my partner for almost 6 years and I love him more than anything. He suffers from depression and anxiety and these have manifested to varying degrees over the years. I also have similar issues, however not to the same degree. I have difficulty talking about emotions and understanding his feelings. He is not in a very good place in his life, he's an artist and paid work is hard to come by, he feels his passion for his art slipping away and his depression is at its lowest. I don't know what to do or say. He sees a psychologist which is very helpful and has been on anti-depressants which are also effective for a time, but are essentially just a band-aid and have only helped in the short-term. He pushes me away and feels that I'm not doing enough to help. I feel this is true, that I could do more, but I just don't know what to do. He needs encouragement and motivation and I'm struggling to work out how to do that. He knows I love him and I take care of him, but nothing is working and I feel helpless seeing him slip away.

[white knight]

hi officeguy, welcome

A good move reaching out to an anonymous forum- exactly what we are here for. Unlike professional medical people we are here 24 hours a day where you can post. We all have our place in the system.

Some people with mental illness have a creative side, Van Gogh, entertainers etc. I have poetry. So, relating to your partner I can only write my emotional poetry when I'm in that depressed zone. But slip too far into that zone and I am too far gone to write it also. I'd guess that is where he is. You have the issue of lifting him up out of that "place".

A few years ago it was discovered that the cycle of depression is such that trying to lift a depressed person out of that place is futile. Best to wait until the cycle is on the "up" movement. This is covered in the following thread )use google to access it)

Topic: depression and the timing of motivation- beyondblue

Until that ideal time arrives when you can see a noticeable improvement...try just sitting beside him and "being there", gentle touch, hugging, making a cuppa regularly. Diversion can be really helpful...a game of monopoly or a jigsaw together. In fact I have a large jigsaw in a spare room just to do a few pieces if I'm bored. Boredom can be an enemy.

Motivation. Unfortunately this is something that takes inner change by the person. I can say that my inner positive frame of mind that occurred in 1982 has "saved me" a number of times since...not in getting depressed but by rebounding when coming out of the loop. It even saved me from my suicide plans in 1996 at the end of my marriage.

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

So, instead of going to the movies, book in at a motivation lecture.

Other threads of interest are-

Topic: being positive- what's the secret?- beyondblue

Topic: clear the road I'm on my way- beyondblue

He might be missing some spiritual foundation. This thread has some good relaxing reading and great youtube vids you can share with him.

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Unfortunately for you, the carer at this time, you need care also. In the least you need to be robust to endure the pressure and persistent. There are some very basic chores/care your partner is responsible for regardless of his current condition.

Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue

Topic: triggers that down you, triggers that lift you- beyondblue

Good luck. you are obviously a very loving person.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Officeguy, thanks for posting your comment, because what you have said seems to happen so many times and in so many different situations, because the depression can rub off onto you, because you try and help him with some success but also with negative feedback from him.
When you are living together it can be much harder to relate back to him, because you get his feedback and how he responds to your comments as well as what others have said which you believe would help, but in the long run he refuses to accept it and that may frustrate or annoy you.
Let me try and explain in an analogue, if he had a broken leg would he want you to keep fussing over him, do you want a drink, maybe something to eat, or could I wrap your legup so you can have a shower, and our friends have invited us out but I don't think either of us should go, it will be too much for your leg, what is he going to say to you, no and leave me alone.
Ask him if he wants you to go with him to see the psychologist and what ideas they may suggest for him to do, this doesn't mean he's going to do them, and he can't be forced.
Click onto 'Get Support' and scroll down until you see 'pubilcations to download', it's a veryinformative booklet by BB, have a read yourself and then let it laying around and hopefully he will glance through it, but one thing you shouldn't do is ask him question after question, this will annoy him and he will close up, wait until he wants to talk, but let him express what he wants to say.
Let us know how it goes. Geoff.

[Ceti]

hi officeguy33,

Your situation sounds almost identical to mine! I've been with my partner for just over 5 years now and in the last 3 years his depression and anxiety has just been getting worse.

He is a musician also but has a day job as a tradie. Suffering also from tendinitis in his hands has been triggering horrible episodes recently.

In nature I feel just like you. I'm not good at expressing myself and when he does to me I never really know what to say back or really how to help. Today is not a good day and he just wants me to 'go away' and that 'i can't help him' - and i think its all my fault that he feels like this.

About 2 years ago i did go to a doctor with him (bulk billing though) and they did put him on a plan with medication but didnt really believe him when he said he was suffering depression and that was it - he didnt take any on the medication and now doesnt ever want to go to a doctor or professional as he doesnt trust them or think they can help.

So I've been trying to be there for him, but i think i may be making things worse. It is comforting to see i'm not alone though. Hopefully through these forums i can find some help! youve helped me already to show me i'm not the only one!

thank you for posting.