My partner is not sure if he loves or is attracted to me. I don't know what to do

[Chaydria]

My partner over year's has been getting worse and worse. He is good most of the time but he gets these lows that make him lash out, isolate, reject me and say horrible things. He was diagnosed with biploar and has meds but decided they don't work. The last few months he has been suicidal and very disconnected from me. Outside of lows he says I am beautiful and loves me. In them he has recently disclosed however this has come up before that he feels like he cannot care about people, especially me. He feels he might only have friend feelings towards me but does more because he should. Like masking. He feels his attraction for me goes up and down and is mostly down these days. We got him help, he got better and we were talking about our wedding again but has gone down again. Now because of this he refuses to get help. I'm also struggling because in seeking advice from people I love most are saying I should leave him. I don't want to but logically if he is saying these things I don't know if I should stay. We have had difficulties with his mental health our whole relationship. He has always done his best to care for me but now it is so much I feel like he is my child I am caring for. I still love him, I just keep hoping he will come out of it and realise he loves me again. I never doubted he loved me and still don't but am unsure if I should stay with him because of this and support him like I want or leave like everyone is telling me too because he keeps spiraling 

[therising]

Hi Chaydria

Things sound so incredibly frustrating and upsetting for the both of you. He is so blessed to have you in his life, someone who is perhaps far more patient than most. As a partner to someone with intense mental health challenges, your wellbeing is just as important as his.

I'm wondering if anyone's been able to help him identify a lot of his triggers, which may be contributing to the massive down swings. Triggers definitely aren't always obvious, that's for sure. While obvious triggers for a downshift into depression may involve people leading us to depressing levels of self doubt, being given nothing but a depressing interpretation of the world (thanks to the news and social media) and stuff like that, there can be purely chemical triggers too. While I'm a soulful kinda gal, I acknowledge I'm also comprised of a huge variety of chemical processes which can be tipped out of balance for one reason or another through questionable lifestyle choices, vitamin or mineral deficiencies, major sleep related issues etc etc. There are always reasons for a depressing downshift. Whether it involves the above reasons or something else, such as certain memories from the past triggering a severe downshift or fear of an unknown future leading to a dark analysis of all the things that could go wrong, there are just so many possibilities.

Wrong diagnosis can sometimes be an issue too. Not saying this is the case for your partner but an example of that can involve ADHD. ADHD burnout can resemble depression, until that person's back on a huge high again. Someone whose consciousness can be shifted fairly easily can also go from extreme highs to extreme lows. To go from being a deeply feeling person who's conscious of everything that's about love and joy etc, to being purely analytical in regard to everything they observe as depressing, they'll at some point feel what they're observing. With inner dialogue, there can be shifts in consciousness also. To go from listening to the inner sage in you or the inner excited adventurer who sees all possibilities to listening to the inner critic or inner tormentor for days or weeks on end can be incredibly challenging. Again, triggers are key to knowing what triggers the different facets of our self to come to life.

Would you say a part of the massive frustration you both experience involves not knowing why the severe downshifts happen? Would the relationship feel different if you teamed up as 'detectives', getting to the bottom of things? Would you be able to open his mind to a new sense of wonder, leading him to wonder why he feels shifts so intensely, as opposed to him perhaps simply seeing himself as 'broken' in some way (a perspective that can become incredibly depressing)? Could this be a challenge for the both of you to open your minds together as you move forward? Is that what it feels like a part of the challenge could be? So important for you to keep an open mind as to what you need right now, what serves you while you struggle in certain ways.❤️

[Chaydria]

Thank you so much for your response. I think what you suggest would be very helpful. I'm just not sure how to get him there. I have noticed his main trigger is difficult conversations and at the moment that is a lot about what he wants from life and commitment to me. I feel these difficult conversations are something that does have to happen now and then throughout relationships and happen more frequently at the moment because he is so undecided. Any tips?. I am concerned bringing this up as an identified trigger itself would trigger him.  Another trigger is when I do something he doesn't like, like forget something or choose something that doesn't make sense. This is another inevitable outcome that I am not sure how to communicate and work through with him. 

[therising]

Hi Chaydria

They're tough, hey, triggering conversations. I think that while a more emotionally tuned in person will feel triggering conversations as incredibly challenging in a whole variety of ways and want to get to the bottom of all those mixed emotions, someone who's not so familiar with exploring a whole array of different emotions may simply feel what they'd interpret as either 'angering' or 'agitating' or 'stressful' or 'too uncomfortable' to manage etc. My husband's like this, he simply won't talk about what feels uncomfortable. Having been married for 21 years or so, I can tell you it wears thin when you're left alone to manage what's too challenging for your partner to manage, including the challenges that come with raising kids. My dad was like this too, which my mum found challenging also, doing a lot of the emotional work in the relationship. Doing something that's agitating to them or doing something that doesn't make sense to them (which proves to be agitating for them) is also relatable. While, for my husband he doesn't feel the need to take the time to make better sense of things or sort things out through effective communication (based on it being uncomfortable and confronting), I can better understand this nature with my dad. Looking back over the years, everyone who knows my dad has 100% agreed he faces the challenges on being on the spectrum (with what's formerly known as Asperger's syndrome). While never diagnosed, he ticks all the boxes. My mum admits she would have managed the relationship differently if she'd considered autism as being something that explained his sensitivity to stress and his avoidance issues.

I think unless someone is willing to open their mind to exploring a whole variety of mixed emotions that challenge them, it can become a lonely and incredibly frustrating experience for their partner. Is there anyone your partner feels comfortable in discussing this kind of stuff with? Btw, I've found all emotions to be telling in some way. I think it's so important to work them out in order to know exactly what they're trying to tell me.

[Chaydria]

Thank you for your response. I see what you mean. It must be frustrating living with that for 21 years though. My partner does open up to our housemate, a childhood friend of his and great friend of mine. This has it's limits however. Typically, my partner when doing well can and often will process these emotions and deal with the heavy conversations. However, these processed emotions go out the window when he is down again. For example, he has said to me in multiple lows that he worries he doesn't love me and is just staying so he isn't lonely. Each time once he has come out and process he realises that is is scared of commitment and does love me.  I have no doubt he does but over time this also seems to have exhausted him and he now focuses on his mental wellbeing and does not do much to show that he loves me thus my sadness and reaching out on these forums. He has adhd which we believe is the reason he forgets and repeats his realisations. Our housmate and I are also introducing him to the idea that he may have bpd, first thought by his doctors and the more research we do the more we realise the symptoms of bpd are just a list of my partners behaviours. This can make it hard to know when to talk, when to remind him of previous progress and when to know he won't improve. 

[therising]

Hi Chaydria

I'm wondering whether keeping a journal may help him in some ways, with him being able to read over and come to better understand and make sense of his different states of consciousness. Kind of like 'What state of awareness am I in at this or that time, which leads me to think, feel and behave in the ways I do?'. Not sure if you're much of a reader but I found an enlightening book to be 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. Catto writes about the challenges of dealing with our different natures/facets of who we are, how they come to life, how they're triggered, how to manage them and use them in more constructive ways. How to consciously bring certain facets of us to life when need be can be an enormous challenge. For example, to go from the pure analyst in us that purely analyses what love is (without feeling an ounce of it) to channeling the pure feeler in us that feels love so deeply and intensely is skillful. So many facets to who we are, which can appear so different.