How to help husband who says he is just a shell and doesn't fit

[sarahl]

My husband has been 'flat' for quite some time now - years in fact- but last night he opened up to me about how he was feeling. He does see a psych and has a medication (although he tells me this is more for sleeping than depression) but there have been a number of factors over his whole life that has led to now (childhood trauma, sexual assault, long term injury pain, among others). 

He voiced feelings that I deserve better, that he doesn't 'fit' into our family because our young children prefer me and that he doesn't want to hold me back. I know they last years have been difficult - we were separated through circumstance and location during covid when I had to solo parent and this has also really affected him. He needs to work on himself a lot, he told me is very unhappy and feels like a shell and gets no enjoyment from anything. We really have been pretending everything is ok and I know Ive very much noticed he never smiles or laughs or get enjoyment from anything.

I feel shattered by last nights conversation - particularly his revelation that he thinks our family would be better off if he wasn't a part of it. I don't think this is a suicide thing ... I think it's more that he feels if left, we could thrive.

But now what next. He already sees someone. I wonder if his medication is not quite the right one, but when I mentioned this he said there was no magic pill. I offered to go to his doctor with him. What else can I do, or suggest? My younger brother suffered depression for much of his life, and I feel like I should have been prepared for this but I feel woefully underprepared. I also have to manage the children and working. I have my own psych for anxiety but my appointment isn't for another 10 days.  

Thanking you all for your experiences.

[sunnyl20]

Hi Sarah,

I am really sorry to hear about what you are experiencing. It can be so painful to watch someone close to you struggle with their mental health. From what you've described, it sounds like you are very supportive of him but are struggling to know where to go or what to do from here. I think it is natural to feel helpless in these situations sometimes and not know exactly what to say/do or how to help, especially when the person you are trying to help feels hopeless or despondent. But please know that your presence and your advocating for him is so important, even though he may not be able to say it. As you probably have seen with your brother, when someone's depressed, they often tend to withdraw from those around them, avoid others, and feel worthless. These factors can make seeking help and engaging in life so much harder. 

As your husband mentioned, there is no magic pill or easy fix. But it sounds like he has reached a point where something needs to really change. There is only so much you can do to advocate for him and to encourage him to seek help, but there are other options both medication and non-pharmaceutical that he may be able to explore. I think speaking with your psych and/or your GP about this will hopefully help you, as they know you well and will be able to offer you a confidential space to express what's going on and to explore potential options going forward. 

There is no easy answer and I cannot imagine how shattered you must have felt after talking with him, but I think it is so important that you were able to have that conversation with him all the same and that he was able to be so open with you. How do you feel though? Do you feel that you can support him? Do you feel like he may be more receptive to a different GP or psych than who he is seeing? You don't need to reply to these, just things to think about. 

Please do not hesitate to reply and chat here as and when you feel up to it - we are here to listen. 

Be kind to yourself sarahl and take care.