My Mum has BPD, & I am struggling with how to cope with her.

[Lilli]

Hi,

My Mum suffers with Bi Polar Disorder and she is also a sober alcoholic and gambling addict. 

I have recently sort help from the Acute Care Team in the town I live, but they were not that much of a help. I am just wondering what the best way to deal with my Mum is and how I should approach her to get help. In the past when

I suggest she needs help, she just attacks me and puts me down. She can be very hurtful. She often over reacts or reacts badly, which makes me fearful to approach her. I just feel that she needs help. She went to counselling a few months back, but didn't like the counselor and so she stopped going. 

She is on medication, but I feel like her medication just bombs her out, and doesn't really help her. Maybe she is on the wrong combination, I don't know. She just keeps filling the prescriptions for the last ten years and never really questions it. When a GP questioned her about it, she got very defensive. I am not anti-medication, but it was my understanding that someone with BPD may need medication along with other treatment, like counselling? 

The things that I struggle with are her deluded thinking, her depression, her selfishness, her irritability, and just feeling like I am her carer. I work part time and have a young son, and I am just starting to feel very overwhelmed. I don't have enough time or energy or even skills to really be able to help my Mum. Mum has

tried to commit suicide before, and I have already lost my father to suicide, so it's a big fear of mine. I just feel like I need to take care of myself, and my family, but I don't want to leave Mum to her own devices, I want to help her, but not to the detriment of myself. 

Can anyone offer some advice or ways of coping? Thanks for your time.

[AGrace]

Hi Lilli,

Welcome to the forums.

It sounds like your battling a bit with trying to help your mum. Not to correct you, but just so you avoid getting responses from people with a different illness, BPD is actually Borderline Personality Disorder. Bipolar is just BD.

The hardest thing for a carer is to watch a loved one go without all the opportunities of support that are available to them. Sadly, one needs to be willing to get help, we can never really force that unless they become a danger to themselves and others.

I know you want to be there for your mum, but my suggestion would be to set some clear boundaries. You will need to pick a time when she is not manic or on a low in order to have a conversation with her. I would try first by asking how she thinks she is going in terms of her mental health. Ask her if there is anything that you can do for her? Let her know some options that are available to her, support groups, Psychologists, her GP. Find out if she thinks that she will benefit from any of these services. Let her know that you would like her to get some more support, and that you want to be able to support her in this process. 

As difficult as it may be, from here you have 2 choices. If she chooses not to get support, then you either have to accept the way she is, or you can suggest to her that without professional help you are unable to care for her, and ask her to let you know when she is ready to take this next step.

Being a carer doesn't mean that you are responsible for your mum. What sorts of things does she do with her time? Is she involved with any hobbies? Does she work?

It might also be a good time for you to seek some support even if just attending your GP so that you can voice some of your concerns. It can be so frustrating when our loved ones can't see how much we want them to get help, but as mentioned in the end the choice lies with your mum.

I hope to hear more from you, and you will probably find some other community members who have some suggestions for you.

AGrace

[Lilli]

Thank you for your reply AGrace, much appreciated. Sorry about the mix up with BD and BPD. 

My Mum used to volunteer, but no longer does. She doesn't work, she is on the Disability Pension. She has no hobbies, she won't even read books. I think part of the problem is that she has too much time on her hands, but when I have encouraged her to do volunteering again, she makes excuses. 

It's very hard for me to make boundaries with her. We have done it in the past with the help of a counselor, but Mum always pushes them and I don't always have the energy to continually enforce them, because she reacts badly. 

One of the other things I struggle with is because my father committed suicide when I was a child, I worry that Mum will do the same, if I upset her or I am not there for her. She has tried to commit suicide twice in the past. 

My brother and I are going to speak to her tomorrow, I will take your advice in how to approach her. I hope that she gets help. 

[white knight]

Hi Lilli.welcome

I stumbled on a good book by Christine Lawson called "understanding the borderline mother"  This describes 4 classic characters pertaining to BPD.  Understanding what you could be up against helps as well as the steps Amber has kindly suggested.

Like all mental illnesses though I stress that this can help, as a guide, and in no way I am saying that there is evil here or for others here that have BPD that they are evil characters. I say this because some tags like "witch" is really inflammatory. My mother I believe has BPD however some sufferers of this condition will not even consider therapy nor entertain that they have an issue. Furthermore many wont maintain a regular or long term mental illness plan.

Google the author and the words Waif, Hermit, Queen and Witch. It just might help you understand the condition more as it did for me.

Good luck and please keep us posted.