My husband is severely depressed - advice?

[LouiseR]

Hi All,I'm new here, just reaching out to others in the hope I can gather some energy to keep on keeping on.My husband and I have been married almost 4 years, we have a 2 year old daughter.He has struggled with depression and anxiety since we have known eachother. He has never really acknowledged it until recently and about a year ago we worked with his GP to get him on some medication. Which we thought at the time helped but looking back, it probably didn't  help all that much. Things are spiralling for him and our relationship is suffering.

He bounces from job to job as he takes a really extreme amount of sick days and when the employer starts to crack down on him he finds another job. So a year ago, he managed to find a job working from home Part Time. The idea was that he could take some pressure off himself, work on managing his illness and be a Part Time stay at home Dad, while I returned to work. It was going to be a financial strain, but we would make it work by cutting back day care costs, and I would work on my career and hopefully increase my earning capacity.

It started off OK, but soon he began taking time off this job, and becoming unreliable with caring for our daughter. I had to increase her days at day care because I began taking time off work to care for her when he was in bed with "the flu" (taking no medication for it) It got to the point where my employer started questioning my commitment to my job and despite being extremely good at my job, have been passed over for a couple of promotions because my reliability is questioned due to the spike in carers leave over the last year.

About 4 months ago, my husbands illness escalated. He had an episode while working and I came home to him almost catatonic on the floor of his office. We went to the GP and got a referral to a Psychologist, who has worked with his GP to double his medication. Since this happened his depression and anxiety has escalated to the point where he can barely leave the house. He is on unpaid leave from the work from home job as he can't function on that level anymore. 

The only interaction he has is with me, his GP and Psych and one friend who he gets really drunk with a couple times a month in our garage.I have taken on the role of breadwinner, caregiver and I do all the housework and shopping myself. I'm exhausted.

I wonder whether he needs inpatient care to get on top of it? I don't feel like I have the energy to do any more than I am already.

[white knight]

Hi LouiseR, welcome

I know the feeling of "doing it all". But mine was different, sheer laziness and arrogance led to me balancing 3 jobs and the housework and caring for two young kids. The common theme between you and I is the workload- far beyond normal levels.I ended up having no choice but leave. One week before I left I planned the end of my life. Luckily I thought of my kids and not totally on myself. Where are you going to end up? This is now your concern.

We are sufferers of mental illness here (mostly) and so we give opinion based on various factors. My opinion here is that your husband now has a mix of needing medical care and also not tackling his obligations to the marriage.

I think you need to be really clear and somewhat firm with him in terms of what his roles are. In fact you should sit down and define your roles clearly. Once done if he fails to fulfill his role he has a responsibility to tell you directly what the problem is, why he cant do it and what plan he has to remedy it. Not leave it all up to you to tackle not only your role but also pick up his failed tasks.

If this attitude of responsibility is not working then clearly you have one avenue and that is relationship counselling. As for inpatient admission talk to your doctor about that.

Good luck   Tony WK

[LouiseR]

Thanks so much for your reply Tony.

 It's only been since jumping on these forums today, and reading through other experiences and responses that I've considered what this is actually doing to me. 

I'm so used to just getting on with things and shouldering other people's issues that it never occurred to me before that I'm suffering. I'm prone to depression myself and if I'm honest with myself I've probably been holding it at arms length for awhile now.

As far as the laziness thing goes, I suspect there is a laziness factor as to why it's me doing everything. I'm really under a lot of pressure but I'm doing it all walking on eggshells which is not behaviour I want to model for my daughter.

I'm going to need to have a big think about all these things and work out how to communicate better and set better boundaries and make him more accountable for not holding up his end of the bargain.

Thanks once again.

[white knight]

Hi again LouiseR

That's a great attitude.

I'd suggest however, as good as your intentions are about acknowledging your own depression, that his mental health and issues has more to do with your situation.

Some of us "willing horses that are being flogged" need to focus on the MAIN problem and in this case your husbands job jumping and attitude needs this focus. I have a suggestion if he is in denial or wont face his own issues.

If you tell him you want counselling and he wont go- go yourself. When he asks why you are going tell him "to enable me to learn how to handle our marriage, how to manage overwork and how to balance all my chores and worry about the welfare of our child. Because eventually I will not be able to continue"  What his reaction is after that statement often displays his commitment and care for you.

Take care    Tony WK