My Husband is Depressed and is now struggling with an ice addiction

[Sandy28]

my husband and i have been together for 10 years and have two children. his father passed away years ago and thats when he started to struggle. hes always battled with depression since then, and has never got help to cope with it. then 3 years ago he started smoking ice solid for just over a year before that addiction caused a massive rift in our relationship and almost destroyed our family, thats when he came clean about his using ice. he went cold turkey and we managed to come good again (keep in mind hes never got treatment at any stage) then a few months back, he started to change again. this time he became very skinny, on top of the usual paranoia, hes been hallucinating and he believes people are out to get him. finally after an argument he came clean about using it again. but this time it wasn't safe for him to live here and i asked him to move out, and to seek help. we have two small children, and with all the lies and strange behavior i had to protect our kids. he understood. i still love him, i just need him to get better while living somewhere else in the meantime... and while counselors and family have told me ive done the right thing by getting him to move out. i feel like i could have made it worse by doing this and am second guessing my decision, or at least how i did it i dont know.. hes now cut himself almost completely from me and the kids. hes been hanging around the people who do this drug among heavy drinking which is another problem he struggles with. i just want him to get better and come home. but i am so lost as to what to do and how to help him while also protecting our kids.

[Strangefemme2000]

Hello sandy

i will start by saying saying you have done the right thing. Protecting your children is the best course of action.

Unfortunatly meth does result in severe paranoia and delusions of loved ones trying to harm you or bring you down. This makes it very hard to help some one struggling with meth addiction.

You have begun setting boundaries which is very important. It may also be helpful to look at your behaviours and interactions with your husband as u maybe engaging in enabling behaviours with the best of intentions. I also suggest getting in touch with support groups in your local area. Lifeline or B.B. are great places to start and will likely be able to provide you with further contacts and information.

Your husband can only start to heal when he makes the decision to. The start you have made to opening the door to recovery is admirable. Removing him from the house was the right thing to do. You are a strong mother and partner, I hope you realise your strength.

Meth addiction affects many lives today and I’m positive you will be able to seek the right support for you and find people going through a similar situation.

My warmest regards. Stay strong and look after yourself

[Sandy28]

thank you so much for replying.

it has been a really difficult time and situation. I feel as though i had to choose to some degree between my partner and my children. And he does understand i did what i had to do to protect our children. but with his abs and flows i can tell he is hurt by my decision.

the part you mention about enabling, is what I'm really struggling with because i dont know if i am making things worse with certain choices that i make. so i find myself making one decision out of love, but then come to realise that maybe ive set thing back by doing so.

finding the balance at this stage is really getting to me because im so torn as to how much i let him in and how much to help him from a distance.

hes not living in our home. but family have said that he shouldnt even come to visit till he has at least got professional help.. others say he should not see our children until he gets better all together.

i dont mind him seeing our kids so long as im there. but he cant stay in our home, only visit. i feel as though to cut him from us completely would make him worse off. but i am also aware that he HAS to get help, because i wont let him back into our home ect. until he has made the right steps to getting better, with both his depression and addiction.

so i'm in this head-space of not knowing what exactly i'm supposed to do

[Croix]

Dear Sandy28~

For someone that does not have a road-map as to how to go I think you are doing a marvelous job. It does come at great cost and anguish to you I know. I'm afraid you do have to expect to second-guess and even modify your actions. You do not have direct experience with ice users to draw on.

I know you are allowing supervised access to your children for now and can well understand the reasons for doing so. It is true that cutting him off completely does stop him from seeing normal life and what he is missing. When unaffected by the drug he may well be hurt and full of regret at separation. Limited supervised access to the kids may well be beneficial to him. It does however come at a huge risk, and your kids are the ones it will affect - or you. Even if he never becomes violent but merely exhibits bizarre behavior that can leave a lasting impression.

The husband you knew, how he thought and behaved is no longer always there. Ice has unpredictable and far reaching effects, not only on his weight, but can also be on his thinking, beliefs and fears. The resultant thinking does not always fade away as the drug wears off.

Frankly if it was me I'd seek advice before allowing such visits, particularly as you would not be not strong enough to restrain him if he became violent by yourself. A support group or a professional with experience of crystal methamphetamine addition (not just friends or family) can probably fill you in better about what you are dealing with.

As you remarked yourself you are choosing between your husband and your children. Although you will have thought of this yourself I'll mention it anyway. This is all a result of your husbands actions, not your children's. They are entitled to the protection of the both of you. If your husband has feelings for them I'm sure he would agree in his calmer moments that at this stage he should keep - or be kept - away.

Going cold turkey, as he did in he past, is only partly effective, as without ongoing support it is easy to relapse, as he has done. I would realy hope he is willing to get into a rehab program, and if fortunate enough to be admitted and then cease using the drug continue on with long-term support. At that stage a rethink of what you are doing would be appropriate.

I'm sorry to have to paint such a dismal picture, it realy is up to your husband to remedy things.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Sandy, it does take great strength to post your comment because any addiction is not easy to overcome, all they do is tease the person to just have another one, whether it's a glass of alcohol or a drug smoked or taken another way in an effort to numb their depression.

Your husband has made a choice, one which you only wished he hadn't and one that has affected your marriage and detrimental for your kids and he couldn't live at home, so you have done the right thing.

I have seen what ice can do to someone and it's not very pleasant, so please don't worry about asking him to move out, your kids don't want to see what he looks like and what he may do in regards to looking for items to porn or money left around.

He has to make the decision to get help himself, however he can be encouraged but not when he is on a high because he will agree to it, different to when he's not.

Keep your kids safe that's what you need to do and can I suggest you contact Reachout so your kids can talk with someone. Geoff.

[Callaway]

Hi Sandy

the various AA groups can be extremely helpful.

Depending on your area there may even be a Crystal Meth Anonymous that meets regularly.

You can look their location up online. If your husband chooses to attend he will find people there who are experiencing the same issues as he is. This can be a source of great relief to those stuck in the drug spiral.

Best

Anthony

[Strangefemme2000]

Hello again sandy

so far it seems like you’ve been doing a great job. Cutting him off completely is likely not to work out in anyone’s favour.

Its important for him to know he is still loved while making firm and clear boundaries. It maybe helpful to set out goals for him together as well as perhaps setting an appointment for advice together.

as per my last message I still firmly suggest you personally seek out professional help. Although I would be weary of anonymous groups as they are not suited to everyone.

My kindest regards

[Disassociate_disorder]

Hi Sandy I so understand your situation as my daughter has been using ice for 8 years. It is so hard to know what to do for the best of every one I've had my daughter admitted to the hospital so many times I've lost count it is all the more harder when you love this person + so want them to get better. I am the only support that she has too. Unfortunately I can't give you any advice about 2 ND guessing as I do that every day of my life I can only offer you some one who so gets it to listen to you and maybe we can help each other regards Di

[doing-my-best]

Hi Sandy

How are you going i Know your post is a couple of years old now but if your still on hear and see this id like to know if things got better for you as i completely can relate to your situation in more ways then one as i have been through a lot in my life and i have been on both ends of what your going through at the same time and feel i could have some in site for you there is only so much i would be willing to say being a public forum but i could tell you as much as i could if you unfortunately are still going through this i hope things have gotten better for you and that you are no longer going through this battle and all worked out well if you could get back to me ill know weather i go ahead or not thanks for your time hope to hear from you soon