My husband has told me he thinks he has depression and now doesn’t love me

[kell159]

Hi my husband broke down a fortnight ago saying he was feeling really sad / low didn’t know why and thinking it might be deperession . He had a commitment that night in town and said he was going to talk about it with a mate . He return was quite and not like his usual self , by the weekend he brokedown again saying he didn’t think he loved me anymore , we have been married for 20 years and have two kids . I broke down , I am hurt and struggling to understand . He said he had been feel like this for a little while but made no indication to me or others , even in the bedroom nothing had changed we were still making love a week before he told me . I feel used , if he had these feelings why was he still doing that with me and being the one to start it most of the time ?? Once he had told me he didn’t love me he move to another room to sleep as I am hurt and he would make comments that would question how he is feeling like “ ok I am off to bed but I know where I would rather be “ . He moved out yesterday to his mums who is not far away as he said he can’t do this it feel too awkward . I am shatteRed: I am scared what ever this mate said he took on board as his issues if that makes sense as he said his mate has been in a similar circumstance. , he did say he was upset with me for not realising , but his behaviour has been so Normal to even pick up on thisI just feel like he has put a wall straight up , he is not willing to work on anything together to him he just doesn't love me anymore , it's like a light switch was flicked and that is his answer . He has always been such a loving devote husband I am just lost .his mum and dad have grilled him as they are in the same disbelief and they too are confident that no one else involved . He has been to the dr and hasn’t the referral to a psychologist on the 10/12 to help understand why he feels the way he does . It has come out there was one point he was so low he almost engaged in very dangerous behaviours. I guess all I really want to know is if anyone else has ever been in a similar situation with depression and been able to come out the other side with their relationship still going ?

[Sophie_M]

Welcome kell159,

Thanks for reaching out here today. We can understand why you would be feeling shattered by these sudden revelations and behaviour changes. It sounds like it's a turbulant time and we hope that you have some support in family or friends through this difficult period.

It's good to hear that your partner has an appointment to see a psychologist and that you both have the support of his parents. If you feel that you could benefit from mental health support yourself, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

You might also be interested in our pages on "Looking after yourself while supporting someone" -  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself 
  And also "Talking to someone you are worried about" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talking-to-someone-you-are-worried-a...

There are many in our community who have had similar experiences. Hopefully a few of our community members will come by to share their own experiences over the next few days or offer some welcoming words of support.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I suppose in these situations people can ask- "is it the depression causing him to question his marriage? (Unlikely) or- is it his unhappiness that has increased his depression? (More likely). Or is his depression not associated at all with his views on his marriage, just increased during this peak period?

So many questions that it becomes a guessing game that spouses like yourself can go through during this period of separation.

Humans are complex. Feelings are so complex that he himself is confused. So it's best to calm down for a while and give him space. When you do talk to him simply reassure him that you are there for him if he wants to talk. Do more listening than talking and try to keep emotions in check.

The fact is, you are limited in what you can do, but what you can do should maximize the chances of him returning.

The fact he initiated love making the week before etc could be his way of trying to fight his doubts. I would not condemn him for that.
I hope it all works out, its not necessarily your fault, people change sometimes.

Keep posting if you feel like it

TonyWK

[Zozza]

I’m not sure that I agree with TonyWK in the assumption that it’s most likely his unhappiness in the marriage that has caused him to be depressed.

I am going through something similar with my husband. We are definitely not through to the other side and still in the thick of it, so I can’t give you much reassurance, but I can say that after doing my own research and lots of talking that depression in men can make them push their partners away.

I think also it’s easier for people to blame their situation for the reason they are unhappy rather than look inside themselves for answers.

You must be feeling very hurt and devastated by this. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and perhaps get some counselling for yourself to work things through and find ways to cope with what’s happening.

[therising]

Hi kell159

Wish I was there to give you the most massive hug as you face this upsetting and quite shocking time in your life. My heart goes out to you and your husband.

As Tony suggested, there are a lot of questions that need to be asked in order to get to the bottom of things. I feel it's important to mention the impact of low levels of oxytocin that can be present in depression. While love has it's natural side, it also can be impacted by chemistry. During my years in depression, I felt little love for anyone. I never really felt love for my husband, I never felt any great love for my 2 babies that I gave birth to (who are now 15 and 18 years old). When I eventually came out of my depression of about 15 years, boy was there a lot of love in me. Huge amounts. I felt love for everyone and everything. It was an overwhelming feeling. By the way, women who experience post natal depression are pretty much guaranteed of having low oxytocin levels, which is why they can't form much of a connection to their baby. The brain can be a cruel thing at times.

Strange question but you could consider asking your husband 'Do you feel like you've lost your ability to love? Does it feel like you can't love me, you can't love yourself and you can't love life?' If he says 'Yes', there's a good chance there's an issue with the oxytocin levels as well as other depressing chemistry that could be at play.

During my years in depression, it felt incredibly depressing to feel as though I had no control over how I wanted to feel or connect to life. It was deeply challenging in so many ways. It's actually good that your husband is considering depression as the culprit here, as to why his feelings have changed. Treating depression will often involve treating the chemical imbalances, therefor our perception of life. Figuring out what led to such a depressed state is also important.

I am still married to the same man who saw me through my years in depression. We've been together for more than 20 years. Letting your husband know that you will support him through his depression is, I believe, incredibly important. My husband admits, to this day, he wish he had have helped me manage better, instead of him 'not believing in depression' (as a real thing) for many years.

🙂

[815]

Hi kell159,

I, like Zozza, am going through something very similar. My husband of 15 years was diagnosed with sever depression about 3 months ago. But for weeks prior to that, he basically put up a wall as well and just shut me out. Although I believe the depression did not start with me, he says that I have since contributed to his depression.

I know this is a hard time for you. I wish I could also provide reassurance that you will come out the other side, marriage still in tact. I am still fighting for mine, as hard as it is. As Zozza suggested, it might be a good idea to seek support for yourself to help get through this.

Keep posting here if it helps as I myself have found a lot of support here.