My Girlfriend has Depression and its ruining us.

[Luke-G]

My Girlfriend is suffering from depression and its ruining our relationship. 
She is always upset and angry at me and i have found her balling her eyes out in the middle of the night.

She told me she needs some space from me and told me she doesn't want to talk to anyone, but i find her talking to other boys.
I really don't want to give up on her because i love her and i want to help her.

She has self harmed before and is getting counselling that isn't helping. I really need advice on what i can possibly do to help her and make her feel better.

Please anyone help

Luke - age 19.

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[cassvonnegut]

I've been through this too. I was the depressed girlfriend though. I went through a process of pushing away my boyfriend. I was so so in love with him. Even in the depression it never changed, it wasn't his fault. It was for me, just something that happened. Just snuck up on me. A combination of all of life's little problems just became overwhelming and crushing. I started to have panic attacks and developed physical symptoms relating to stress and anxiety. It can be really hard to talk to people you really care about. I had a lot of shame and self doubt around my depression. I felt like it wasn't valid, like I really had no right to feel the way I was feeling. My boyfriend ended up leaving. We actually have a really wonderful relationship now. A really close friendship and I'm helping him with his own depression. Him leaving made me realise how much I could lose and what really matters to me. I'm not suggesting you leave her at all, just letting you know what happened to me. Maybe you could try letting her know that it's ok to have these feelings. That you don't judge her or assume it's all your fault or that it's all hers, that you understand that it's complex and not something she can control right now. She might have the same sort of feelings I did. I've met other people who've had the same experience. Let her know you can be there without judgment. Can I also suggest you look into the practice of mindfulness or meditation? I found it so so helpful. It helped me to label and acknowledge my emotions and helped relieve stress and tension. It helped me break the pattern I guess and then look at some changes I could make to the way I live to help me deal with things when they get overwhelming. 

You'll be ok. The fact that you're reaching out in a forum like this says a lot about you as a person and about how much you care for her. The role of the partner is often so difficult. You're brave and open and loving. Good luck. 

[geoff]

dear Luke, with regards to her counsellor does she like him/her, because even though there might be a connection between them, doesn't necessarily mean that they aren't helping her.

Let me put this another way, I was seeing my psychologist for 20 odd years, and the majority of that time nothing was working for me, but I stayed with her because I trusted her and I could talk openly with her, so the connection was good, and I liked it when I saw her.

People would say to me are you still seeing her, then she isn't doing her job, or making any difference, but I stayed with her because all conversations were open, and I trusted her.

When I was depressed I didn't want to discuss my depression with my wife, because anything I said she would say something different and not recognise how I was feeling, that's why I needed space from her, I'm not saying that this is happening to you, but I wanted to talk to other people, although this was seldom.

Maybe talking to the opposite sex is a way of getting more sympathy and not a way of trying to find any affection, just saying. Geoff.