My daughter said she wants to see a counsellor

[HLF]

Hello, I'm new here and joined because of my 21 year old daughter. She's a bit introverted, but has a few friends, has a part-time casual job, attends University and is studying a Masters of Secondary Teaching and is enjoying it. Over the last two weeks she has been on placement at a high school and very much enjoyed it and got last Friday great feedback and praise from the teachers there. This all came to a head yesterday when I couldn't make a lunch date with her (she lives with my husband, myself and her brother who is a couple of years older). She went into a tirade and accused me of hating her, she feels she's an annoyance to everyone etc. She was in a very dark mood all day and I was worried so asked her what's wrong and she said some pretty confronting things about me but this is where I am confused. I am by no means a perfect mother, but she and I do a lot together - go shopping, movies, drives, spa dates, etc when she's not with her friends. I also do a lot for her to enable her to concentrate on her studies (and my husband and I do not pressure her at all), but give her the time that she needs so she doesn't get stressed as she stresses easily. So all what she said to me yesterday came as quite a shock. The night before, she went out with her friends to a bar in the City and my son and husband are certain that something happened there as before this, everything was going great. Last night when it came to a head and she saw me very upset, she said that she needs to see a counsellor and needs to talk to someone. She won't talk to me or anyone else of what's going on. We're at our wit's end and are supporting her fully, but right now she looks depressed and sullen. I have booked an appointment this Friday for her to see a lady counsellor. I would very much welcome any advice/thoughts on what is going on.

Many thanks

[white knight]

Hi HLF, welcome

It is hard to say what her issues are, her old childhood memories, current living arrangements, long drawn out studies especially now doing her masters. But I must say, her wanting to see a counselor is actually very good news and shouldn't be taken as more than it is- an attempt to get help for herself and her loved ones. The stigma with seeing a counselor/therapist is not justified but it is often seen as a trauma. Welcome it.

I too have done all I could for my daughter who is a teacher but sadly due to illness has stopped that career. She shocked me a while back saying she was angry I didnt see she needed a psychiatrist at 11yo when her problems manifested. I mean, I had no idea of her issues and so I've put it down to blaming and I took it on the chin as parents have to do some times. I was just glad she could vent. Venting helps.

I dont think you have a lot to worry about. Worry only gives you ulcers, it doesnt do you any good at all.

I hope things settle and by all means repost is you feel like it or if there is a development. You are safe posting here.

TonyWK

[Aaronsis]

Hello HLF

Welcome to the forum, I am so very sorry that you are having such a hard time understanding the frustration and pain your daughter is having. I also feel for her too and am so very pleased that you have responded in a way of love and support and that you have arranged some counselling for her, that is wonderful.

I am no professional just a person that cares so this is just my feeling, it sounds like she is experiencing some sort of "mixed emotions" and that she has used you to lash out her feelings that she may have had bottled up for a long time. Perhaps something did happen on the night out that has triggered her or made her realize she needs to speak to someone, as you mentioned, none of us are perfect parents,but if when you were hearing this you genuinely felt shocked then I think perhaps she has some things inside she needs to address.

Mental health is a really funny old thing, it can impact anyone. The fact she has always presented as happy and that everything is fine, is not really an indication that everything is fine. Perhaps on her placement she has felt like this path isn't for her, even though she had a great time(?) and got some wonderful feedback, maybe she feels scared that "what will she do now?". You mentioned she also stresses easily, this perhaps is another indicator that the words may not have been truths but she is letting her frustrations and pains out.

She does trust you and that she has come to you to say she needs to see a counsellor. I know it must hurt and must hard to hear that your child does not want to speak to you but to someone else but please try not to take offense to this. Have you asked her if she would like to see a GP?

I can hear how hurt you are and I am so sorry that you had that tirade of abuse thrown at you, you certainly didn't deserve that but I am so very happy that even when you are feeling so worried and scared that you have put her needs first.

You could also offer her to call the Beyond Blue Line to chat if you think she might need to talk to someone sooner, 1300 22 4636, or even for you to get some extra support through this time. There are some wonderful people on the other end to help you all through this time.

Seeing she is only 21 she can still call the Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 as they deal specifically with young people up to the age of 25 and are just amazing.

Huge hugs to you HLF, and I am not sure if I have been helpful but hope to chat some more.

Hugs

AS

[SilvaLady]

Hello HLF,

First off welcome to BB forum. I only been on this forum nearly 2 months, but I found that it helped me in some/many (both seem to be appropriate). I cannot answer as a parent, since I never had children. But I can relate to your daughter, as I couldn't or wouldn't tell things to my own mother (most likely for different reasons than your daughter). All I could suggest that for you to tell your daughter that you love her and that you will be there if she wants to talk to you.

I have been seeing a psychologist for the past year or so, I felt more comfortable talking to her than telling my mother what is/was wrong with me.

I understand (am sorry as well) it was hurtful for you, when your daughter lashed out at you. I think your daughter is hurting as well, that's why she lashed out at you (again I don't mean to make you feel any worse and hurt you and the rest of your family). Just be there when she is ready to talk you.

Take care of yourself and kind thoughts to you.

SilvaLady

[HLF]

Thank you to all for your warm and caring replies, this has somewhat reassured me. I'm waiting for Friday to come around so she can see her counsellor. I will post an update again. Thank you once again and I am so glad I wrote into the Beyong Blue forum. xx

[SilvaLady]

Good morning HLF,

just checking in with you to find out how things went on last Friday with your daughter. I hope things went okay.

Look forward to hearing from you, and I hope you have a wonderful day.

Cheers SilvaLady