My boyfriend is going through grief, as a result battles meth addiction and depression

[Aliyah_24]

Hi guys, I'm writing on this forum for some extra support and advice. I've found many forums have helped me so far with similar stories, but felt I needed to share my own. My boyfriend and I have been together 1 year, but we have been good friends for 16 years, always had great chemistry and get along like a house on fire. He lost his older brother who was his world a year ago, the same time we started our relationship, he lost his brother to "suicide". I put that in brackets as the case is still open and has not been 100% confirmed. I'm finding it very difficult, as his grief was delayed somewhat, and is very difficult due to no closure and not knowing exactly what happened. He also uses meth regularly now and has turned to this in the past cope with the grief of his fathers passing a few years ago. He has symptoms of anhedonia and grief setting in harder the past 6 months. We haven't been physically intimate for 4 months now, and he's different to me, in that we don't spend time together unless I initiate it, and he doesn't look at me like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world like he's done the whole time we have known each other. It's so complex to put everything down here. Positives are I get glimpses of the guy I've always known, he does sleep, eat regularly and go without meth, and is home most nights, but that I believe he is doing for me as I've asked for compromise, just as much as it is for him. Everyday is a battle for me as I am giving and giving and supporting the best I can but it's very one sided relationship at the moment and so hard when you feel so alone sometimes. We still communicate very well, and are honest and open, cuddle and kisses here and there and he says he doesn't want to be addicted to meth or feel like he is feeling. But I feel if I wasn't putting in then I'm not sure how much of a realtionship there would be, or how much positive actions would come, if I didn't make so much effort. It's makes me so sad, cause he's struggling, I scared of losing my best mate, my boy, and he's the love of my life, a beautiful person, and I have to keep telling myself he feels the same about me as he's shown it in the past and told me, even though he hasn't shown it for a while now, and isn't himself, and I feel insecure at the moment. I am now seeing a psychologist to help me with self care and ways to understand and help him. I look foward to any and all your advice and support with my situation. 

Thank you, Aliyah 

[Jacko777]

Hi Aliyah,

Welcome to he Beyond Blue forums, I was sad to read your post, you have had a tough time lately.

There is some good information for 'carers' on this site that will help you. Of course you want to be his partner, not his carer. Would he be open to visiting a counselor with you? It could be really good to see someone together and develop some plans that take both of your situations into consideration. Obviously he needs help to address his grief and drug use. I am sure others will have ideas and support for you.

Jack

[Aliyah_24]

Thanks heaps for your message Jack. I've spoken about avenues of support and help out there, but he's very hesitant, but listens to what I say, a bit of all school thinking with him. So I'm sure when i reach of the point of begging him, which I don't want, he may, cause I understand he needs to want help not be forced. Although some moments he's almost willing to seek that help but hasn't made that step of going yet. Seeing him make some positive changes lately and the person I know he is, gives me great hope everyday, but I can see it's a constant battle of walking a fine line with losing control, losing himself, and getting his life together and finding himself again. I'll defiantly have a look at the advice for carers. And yes your right, I feel like I am more his carer than partner at the moment. He's unwell, so I understand it has to be this way for now. I can only hope for him to come through in the positive outcome for himself and me.

Thanks again 🙂

[Ceejay7313]

Hi Aliyah,

Oh how I feel your pain. Trying to have a relationship with anyone that uses meth is simply one frustration after another. Do not ever believe anyone who uses this stuff who says it’s not harmful. It fries their brain. It messes with every single part of their life.

Remember the three C’s of dealing with a meth user or drug addiction.

You didn’t Cause it, You Can't Control it, You wont Cure it

There’s just no way to get through to them. Nothing makes sense. You come second to the drug and always will. Long-term users are experts at manipulating everyone. Experts at lying, and experts at making excuses – even if that messes with your emotions. They try to, but they simply don’t care enough about anyone else. And they wont get their act together until they hit rock bottom, and that can arrive in many different forms.

I am well researched (I have two post grad research degrees) after discovering my now separated partner used to be a dependant meth user prior to meeting me, and used smaller amounts right up to the time of becoming pregnant with our beautiful son, and has slowly slipped back into it after giving up breastfeeding. Unfortunately for me, I only found out the true extent of her previous usage only after she was pregnant. She was secretly using small but regular amounts for the whole of our relationship prior to becoming pregnant. And wow, not only does that disintegrate trust - it hurts like hell.

There’s a beautiful person in my lost partner too, and I miss her greatly, I miss my son, I do get to see him two days a week which is the biggest of thrills, and I miss the family most of all. And she’s swears she not using anymore– but time will tell.

I remember when I first found out her meth years ago, I rang a friend who works in the drug counseling arena, and she said in a long winded tone, ‘Gooood Luuuck’.

Sorry to say it, its tough, but you just have to move on, no good chasing them, they don’t need anyone until the need for meth has gone. I could say a lot more and would be happy to chat more if you want to hear it. But it’s a sad and a sorry situation, and being with a meth user is simply exhausting. I have my own little saying about meth uses, it's awfully simple to get addicted to the stuff, but to clear up the mess of it, is simply awful.

If you really love him, set him free. Let your partner be, he’s a big boy and if he screws it up, don't let him screw you up too, and most importantly, look after yourself.

Cheers  

[Aliyah_24]

Hi Ceejay,

I can't thank you enough for sharing your life and knowledge with me. It feels like you understand my struggle.

Your so right he does choose meth over me and hides the amount and how much he's involved as to save from shame and me being upset or disappointed, but I'm fully aware, I've grown up around drugs. I see the manipulation through white lies too.  

The last 6 months I've fought very hard for change, compromise and it's been very emotional and painful. But I realised only on Sunday, I found some peace, that the only person who can truly help anyone is themselves. I can't force my partner to be there for me or the person he was or put the relationship first anymore until he's ready. So I told him with compassion and understanding that I am letting you go, without letting you go. So he can do whatever he feel he needs to cope and get through, as long as he always communicates, there is no other woman, try's to take care of himself, and the awareness that there is a huge risk we will drift apart. There was more to this but I tried to think of what hurt me the most from his behavior and that was communication break down and false expectations cause he's not ready, and just sticking to those. 

I've decided to focus on me primarily now. I've given him a lot over the past year and I'm happy to say I've done my best whole heartedly. I too have just done a degree in psychology and I'm a PT! What a combination of two different people, but get along so well and have been friends for so long. I'm somewhat knowledgable but my empathy, understanding and knowledge has been part a blessing and battle, and when you experience the worse scenarios almost for yourself, nothing really prepares you for emotional pain especially with love, but it's got me through.

So I've decided to move to another town close by and focus on my career and we will see what happens from there. That way I am putting myself first and letting him go without abandoning him and we can have the space needed to either grow individually, and end up together or apart. I know I'll always be there for him in some way, no matter what, but whether that is as a friend or partner will be up to him and time. 

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. You have helped me :-). 

I hope your situation improves for you, and you feel inner peace.