My Bipolar husband blames me for everything

[XOXO]

My husband and I were highschool sweethearts and have been together for 8 years now. No kids. He is smart, responsible, funny and very caring. Like all married couples, we promised to take care of each other and promised 'til death fo us part.

He was diagnosed with Bipolar 3 years ago.Our main problem is that he is still in denial of his illness therefor he refuses treatment. So far he has had 2 major manic episodes and was put on treatment order on both occassions due to non compliance. Every episode is a big, I mean, BIG drama. 

His treatment order was lifted in May as he was able to convice his doctors, case manager and myself included that he fully understands his condition and promised to continue his meds!He got what he wanted! Next minute, he ceased all his meds! He begged me not to tell his doctors, and for some reason, I agreed. Maybe because I was left with no choice, he threatened to leave me 'the controlling wife', or maybe because I miss the man I married (we all know how those meds can turn one into a zombie), or maybe I am just plain stupid, I don't really know.But we made a plan, two things: NO drugs (Cannabis) and first sign of mania or depression he exhibits, I will call his doctor. 

I noticed changes in him last month, he started to wear bright colourful clothes, been spending a lot, less sleep and all those classic signs,I also found out that he started to 'self medicate' with cannabis again, everytime he's elevated, there is this whole 'Cannabis will save the world' and 'Herb will heal the nation' belief of him. He is totally obsessed with it! Tried to talk him out of it but I got a firm response: "I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE, IT MAKES ME HAPPY, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT"

So, I called his doctor and as expected, he was deemed hypomanic again, he was advised to resume his meds but of course he refused. 

The moment we got home, he started blaming me AGAIN, which he does everytime he's hospitalised and forced to take meds. He's even threatening of getting a divorce so I can't make any decisions on his care. This is a vicious cycle, I feel hopeless, he is good at making me think and feel less of myself. Everytime he's elevated I AM HIS ENEMY. But when he's well, he's very sorry and I am his world and queen again. I am always confused when he tells me bad things, I wonder if it is his illness talking or that's what he really feels?I don't know what to do now,I love my husband but I am tired,there is only so much I can take

WHAT SHOULD I DO? 

[Jacko777]

Hi XOXO,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. This must be so frustrating for you and I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I hope you will get some ideas and support here.

What should you do? I'm not sure, it would help me to be clear about my choices, to stay or to leave, if I stay what expectations can I have. I would weigh up the pros and cons for each choice. He really seems to be going to extremes to avoid appropriate treatment and I can understand you would be very annoyed. 

I hope you are nurturing the other parts of your self, outside of your marriage. And I hope you have friends that you can talk to and maybe it could be good to take a few days off by yourself?

Of course it would help you to visit a counsellor and pose the questions you have posed here, with a professional you can find some clarity in this situation. Hang in there mate, talk any time.

Jack

[XOXO]

Thank you for your reply, Jack. It is really good to know that someone is out there who understands. I find it hard to talk to others because most of the time there are no words to describe what I truly feel.

Today, my husband told me that he wants a divorce, stated that he wants to be with me but he doesn't believe in marriage anymore. This is not the first time this has happened, whenever he's elevated he asks for the same thing. The first time he asked me that, during his first manic episode couple of years ago, I was crushed. The man who promised to spend the rest of his life with me wanted to get rid of me. I stayed anyway. now it's happening all over again, was it him or his illness talking? I don't have a clue, how do I know? 

[Jacko777]

Yes, it's a tough question, was it him or his illness talking. The herbs obviously change his perception but surely this is not sustainable. So when he is self medicating he has changed his view of marriage, it's not that he wants to separate from you. I can understand that you however did and still do believe in your marriage. If we were to forget marriage for a moment, would he consider some professional support for both of you to work on your relationship? If he got what he wanted, a divorce, is he committed to a healthy relationship?

If he is not partaking in appropriate treatment, are 'him' and the 'illness' the same thing? If he is not on a path of recovery then this is him? I really hope you can talk to a professional so you can make good choices about what to do next. It's a sad tough day for you mate, I send you love.

Jack