Mother Depressed

[Jessie0172]

Hi,

I'm 21 and live with my mum and I'm finishing my university degree later this year. I'm an only child and its just me and my mum. When she got divorced in 2003 she went on anti-depressents and she's been on them ever since. She was fine though until 6 months ago when she was made redundant at her job; she really enjoyed her job and was devastated since she left. Most of her friends where from work too so they don't keep in touch so she's devastated by that as well. She has been applying for jobs but never gets an offer just a lot of interviews, she broke her shoulder just after she was made redundant as well so she didn't start applying for jobs until only a couple of months ago. She went to counselling too after her injury to check she wouldn't become more depressed after the surgery but she seemed to stop going.

Anyway in the last 2 months she has had nothing going on, she still goes to physio occasionally for her shoulder, but she doesn't do any of the exercises they recommend, so its making no improvement. She has really slowed down in applying for jobs, even when I find her ones, she wont apply for them till the very last minute; and when she does get an interview she's normally late. Its becoming very frustrating. 

I also stay with my boyfriend a couple nights a week at his place, but i find I'm always really worried about her and when I get home she's just cranky at me. 

She doesn't do any house work or hobbies throughout the day either, she mostly sleeps alot and watches t.v. I've been trying to encourage her to do a tafe course or learn a new skill but she just complains that I'm nagging her. She was already overweight and our doctor has had a word with her about trying to lose weight but she always has a reason for not trying. 

Our dogs unwell too and I fear if she passes away it might tip my mum over the edge, I don't know what to do. Ive tried talking to he she just gets any at me saying I'm nagging her, or she doesn't want to talk to me.

Please Help

[Checkthebatteries]

Shucks. It's so hard to see a family member who won't get help. My mom has anxiety and she refuses to get help so I sort of know how you feel. I'm looking for work right now and it's really crushing and also a very difficult market right now. Getting an interview is a huge accomplishment. You should tell her that. 

Rather than getting her to go along into a big scary world of a new Tafe course on her own, do you two have a common interest that you could share together? Like maybe you could both join an art class or something. Or maybe even some sort of social sport or funzies dance class, depending on what her physio says, so you can get her active too or a healthy cooking class. My mom and I did rollerblading together once for about five lessons. We were useless but we had fun together and we made. Say its so you two can spend some fun time together. I'm sure she would love to do something with you. But it will get her out of the house and give her the chance to maybe meet new people, get her confidence back and then be able to apply for jobs (it will take a while). On that note maybe you could find some volunteer work to do together. That may even lead to job opportunities. Once she's settled in she might not need you to go so don't see it as a huge time commitment. Just let her know you're with her all the way. Give ltos of compliments and encouragement for trying. And you will need to be the one to make the bookings and drive her there. 

Your mum might also be feeling a bit unneeded seeing her only kid grow up. Probably why she's cranky when you stay out and have a nice time. You are a grown up and entitled to your own life so don't feel guilty. Perhaps ask her for some help with uni revision, or to go for a walk on a study break or to take you to your next dentist appointment or ask for her opinion next time you go clothes shopping.

Is there also a relative/godmother/family friend who you might be able to ask to connect with her for a cup of coffee or something. Physios are also very well trained in psychology so if she sees her physio all the time you might want to share your concerns privately. They probably have already worked it out. My physio is like my counsellor some days.  Be aware they are not mental health practitioners and they will tell you so but they may change their approach with her backhandedly steer her in the right direction. 

Is it possible to get a psych to come to your house if she won't go? I think some psychologists might do home visits. The doctor will be able to help you both with getting her back in the system. 

But small steps all the way. And make sure you take time to look after yourself too. 

Hang in there and I'm rooting for you both.

[White_Rose]

Dear Jessie

Your mother has had a difficult time in the past six months so I can appreciate her unhappiness and your concern for her welfare.  I read the reply from Checkthebatteries and it is such fantastic advice so I will not add more advice.

Speaking as a mother I will offer some information from my perspective.  Many years ago when I became severely depressed I would not talk about it to my children.  They were all adults and had left home but to my mind they were, and still are, my children.  So how could I ask them to care for me?  I believed it was my job to care for them and not add to their worries by disclosing my sadness. 

No doubt people will say it was a silly attitude and perhaps that's right.  But when someone is depressed they really do not think clearly.  I longed to be comforted and cared for but felt I was wrong to ask.  Eventually of course my children found out how I felt and rallied round just as you are doing but I felt very guilty about it.

It may be that your mother also feels like this in some way or other which is why she appears to push you away while really needing you.  Depression is such a dreadful place to be and when it is compounded by her injury and loss of her job, two enormous stressors, it must seem like the end of the world.

Checkthebatteries has suggested a number of good ideas so I hope you will try to use some of them.  I will add, baby steps, and expect the two steps forward and one step back process at times.  It will take time but periodically you can remind your mother and yourself how far she has come.  This always comforting.

I would love to know how you and your mother are going so please let us know if you feel able to write in.

Regards

White Rose