Married to a Police Officer

[Mrs_Sergeant]

Anyone else live with a Police Officer?

We've been having problems for years, but 12 months ago we both went to the Dr & were prescribed mood stabilisers. I'm still taking them & feel great. Husband took his for a few months, kept forgetting, stopped & then started again & then took them sometimes & now he's decided he "doesn't need them" & has been off them for months. He knows that you aren't supposed to do that. So in a nutshell, he's an absolute grouch. (Only to me though, not to the kids)

Yes, we've tried counselling in the past. NO, he will never go again. NO, I can't go alone. TOO expensive, NO babysitters.

We have a viscous circle where, quite bluntly, if I don't have sex with him he treats badly, but then if I do have sex with him I don't feel much of a change in his approach towards me, so I put a wall up & don't really want to get close to him in a sexual way.

He gets annoyed with ME because I want to tidy the house when people come over. He thinks I'm OCD. (Trust me, our house is FAR from perfect. We have 2 small kids.) Gets annoyed because I won't cook him a fried breakfast on the weekend. (A) it's unhealthy B) it's time consuming & C) I have too much to do rather than just create more mess.)

We went to lunch at a club recently. He asked if I was going to play keno & I said no thanks. Got annoyed & called me boring. (We had played Keno the weekend before and had a nice win, but I don't feel the need to play often.)

I'm always the last one to sit down of an evening but basically, in his mind I'm lazy and boring and do nothing. (I'm a mother of 2, who works outside the home 3 days a week & is currently preparing our house for renovation AND we have lots of family & friends who we see often so I'm the only one who organises these gatherings. Yep, I don't do MUCH!)

He's a police sergeant & I will never understand the pressures he's under, but I can appreciate his work is stressful. I do as much as I can around the house & with the children, to relieve his stress. I'm certain he self medicates with alcohol. He drinks every night. Minimum 4-6 drinks. He doesn't get angry or aggressive.

When trying to negotiate decisions for our home renovation he gets really impatient. I'm trying to calmly share ideas & he gets really short with me. Accuses me of "taking over" or "wanting everything my way." His communication with me is terrible. That being said, the department he's in for work DEPENDS on excellent, detailed related communication!

Thoughts?

[Mrs_Sergeant]

Hi again John,

Being a police officer yourself, do you think he has a hard time being the king of the mountain at work and then has come home and not be in charge?

I'm a strong willed woman and definitely not a push over. You need to be with a strong personality like his. That being said, I believe I am extremely fair and reasonable.

He seems to hate negotiating or discussing things with me and gets annoyed when I don't agree with him or make other suggestions.

The main thing we're going through at the moment is decisions for the renovations and that is painful because he has been going off in a huff lately saying, "That's it, you do it all then. If I agree then I have to put up with whatever you want, but if I disagree I'm an a$$hole!"

Patience & communication isn't his strong point at the moment. Particularly with me.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Mrs Sergeant,

We are all different. Just because I was the boss at work didn't mean I was at home. I could run towards a building where I thought an armed robber was waiting to attack me but worried my missus would be cranky if I forgot to bring home bread and milk!

Maybe your husband is emotionally detached from home because of the other stuff we have discussed. If you are seeking professional help, I would suggest that his behaviour may be a symptom rather than the disease! 

For the record, most strong willed people perceive themselves as fair, so it is a subjective view and again, maybe something for an objective observer!

Kind regards, John.

[Mrs_Sergeant]

Haha yes I am sure that most strong willed people perceive themselves as fair but I pride myself on being very self aware & very conscious of other peoples feelings. 

I always ask friends, family & professionals for help & advice. I seek answers, ways to improve & develop. So, I hate to toot my own horn here, but I'm holding this place together!! 🙂 haha! 

I'm always the one instigating reconciliations, discussions, solutions etc. I suppose because I feel like I'm propping everyone else up, I just wish I had a partner who could appreciate what I do & not see me as the bad guy. I think depression (Or whatever) is clouding his judgement & feelings & he can't see all the good. He's concentrating on the bad.

[Blah_Blahs_Wife]

Hi there Mrs. Sargent,

I know it's been a while since you last posted here, so not too sure if I will get a reply back. I am a new member to Beyond Blue. I too am married to a police officer, together for 13 years and married for 3. We have 4 children together and two of them struggle with mental health.

Recently our marriage is at a stale mate. My husband has always had anxiety from childhood trauma and continues to have anxiety and PTSD. I joined the workforce three years ago after being a stay at home mum for 10 years. This is when the problems first started. I worked two jobs and my husband desperately wanted me to quit at least one job but I couldn't do it financially. He also wanted to have another child but I did not want one. He says that he has some form of resentment towards me because of this and also financial issues.

We have been madly in love until 3 to 4 months ago when he broke down and told me "I love you but I am not in love with you". This hit me like a hammer to the chest. My response "What do you mean?" tears and confusion and anger and fear all written across my face. "I have been feeling this for a while now". My world came crashing down at this point or at least it felt like it.

To give you context he joined the CPR (Child Protection) desk not long into the new year and things started to change. I started a new job and both our stress levels were and still are extremely high. He became distant and visibly not happy. I am very caring and supportive and even after telling me this I do not feel anger or resentment towards him, just sadness. The hardest part for me is that he didn't cheat, or turn to alcohol or become violent, there was no big BANG/CRASH it was like we just grew apart. I still for the most part love him and he says that he still loves me, he regularly initiates sex and when we are intimate it's like we just met and all the fireworks are there but when I wake, I feel empty. On top of all this I am trying to keep it together for the kids, trying to keep it together at work and pretending everything is fine.

My heart is broken, his heart is broken. The job and everything else ate him alive.

We are discussing separation but the difficulty I am having is letting go.

Have you got an update on your situation currently.

Looking forward to a reply.

Kind regards,

Anna

[Croix]

Dear Anna~

Being married to a police officer is itself a most difficult task, your partner is bridging two entirely different worlds and that comes out in all sorts of ways, for me over preoccupation with my job and an inability to switch off. Things deteriorated from there as I became ill.

It may well be that being in the Child Protection Unit has made things a lot worse, and your husband may, like I, need professional help. I reached the stage where I did not know who I loved -or indeed if I was capable of love. I was very 'divorced' from myself. For a long while I functioned, but in time that too came to an end. I was not easy to live with, and sadly my wife blamed herself, at least in part. This was of course nonsense.

The idea of separation may be driven by a desire to be alone so as to cope better -a fallacy but seems so real.

I ended up invalided out of the force with the usual suspects, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression. I did not have proper help until far too late.

May I suggest a couple of thngs, neither of them easy?

First do nothing now, wait.

Second try to persuade your husband to seek qualified medical assistance, preferably a psychiatrist. The seeds to disaster can be there, and if he is like I was, then they will not be recognized. I had no idea what was happening to me.

Trying to persuade can be difficult for a couple of reasons, firstly if your husband is in fact reacting to the job he may not recognize what is happening, and secondly may be reluctant to do anything that might reflect on his career and standing by reporting to administration.

Please come back and say what you think. 13 years and 4 children is an awful lot for either of you to lose

Croix (who stayed with his family, thanks to his wife's love and strength)

.

[Blah_Blahs_Wife]

Dear Croix,

Thanks for your insight and advice. He was a police officer before we met and he had two boys from a previous relationship in which his former partner was abusive and had also cheated.

I remain hopeful but I also frightened of the future. It's affecting my work life and my relationship with my children. I am normally a very happy go lucky kind of person and this situation has just put me into a hole so deep it is difficult for me to the see light. I read about PTSD in police officers, I understand the idea when they become jaded. He also told me he has lost passion for other things in life including his job which he loves. He is seeking medical help which he says is helping him but is also very difficult.

I'm not sure where to go from here, maybe I will take your advice and do nothing for now, but just be there for him and carry on with the tasks of daily life. I have an outlet which is going to the gym. Is it wrong that I am trying to distance myself? I feel I am doing it naturally as a self preservation technique. I don't know. Some days are easier than others. I work full time and I work with a great bunch of people, but I am afraid to tell others of my struggles for fear of being judged, but also because if I say it out loud, it becomes "real".

We cry together and hold each other, we are both struggling right now.

I try to spend as much time with the children but I find myself crying and they see me cry. I want to focus my time on my children because that's what they deserve.

I am fiery and passionate but these recent events have turned me into someone else. The best way to describe this would be a shell. I feel empty but full of emotion. I have distractions and I am reaching out to friends who have gone through the same struggles and lived through it, however none of them married to a police officer.

I have tried to find Support Networks for Police Officers Wives and at best have found this site and a facebook page but nothing else.

If you could tell me how you were able to get through the hard ship, please share. I am at a crossroads. I know if we were to separate that we would both eventually find happiness again. At the moment it's obvious that I want it with him.

I know it takes time and he will need his space, but I also want to keep a close eye on him because he has a history of behaviour in the past where he would put himself in harms way and didn't understand why.

Looking forward to your reply.

Regards,

Anna

[Croix]

Dear Anna~

I can't give you a recipe on what to do, the best is some scattered thoughts. I'm no doctor so can only say things as they happened to me. The situation between myself and you husband is not identical. I did not seek proper help until I was incapable of continuing, I ended up suicidal and not functioning. Your husband does not sound as if he is like that, though he may well have a mask.

So what's important? Well, you lookng after you is the most important thing. Nobody is a bottomless well of strenght and care. If you exhaust all your own resources then not only will you not be able to look after the kids, nor he or yourself too. So by associating with friends, going to the gym plus work you are being practical, not selfish. Do not feel guilty about it.

As for not telling people, I guess you pick the one or ones that can help realistically, and it is just as real voiced or unviced. A determination (by both of you if possible) to make it work is what decides if it is real or not.

My wife worked too, plus looked after the family and myself. She was supported, her mum was there for her both emotionally and practically - do you have someone like that?

I'd suggest you see your GP and say what is happening. Having some medical supervision yourself is a good idea.

It sounds like your husband is unhappy wiht the idea of medical support . That was what pulled me though. So I guess if there is anyone with influence persuading him to review his medical support would be the way to go. If he is unhappy with a particular psych then another should be sought. It can help a lot - but yes can be difficult.

Being away from stressors is important, if Child Protection is making matters worse then a transfer might be worth thinking of. Enthusiasm for all aspects of life can return in the right circumstances. I remember my enthusiasm for everything, work, family, plus all the things I'd enjoyed, it all went, and in that situation decision making is skewed.

I did not know me any more, I genuinely thought my family and the job would be better off without me, they could do better.

As for going in harm's way, if you don't care it does not matter, does it? Might seem useful in fact (which of course is wrong).

I can't put everything down in one post, so will leave this one here. I hope to hear from you again

Whatever you do I'm afraid it is hard.

Croix

[Blah_Blahs_Wife]

Thanks for your reply Croix,

I am in a much better place now than before. I cannot hide from the truth. I am finding support in someone else who is two years into his separation and his ex wife has already moved on.

It will be a long and tough road ahead I know. I believe I will eventually be happy again, whether it be with my husband, by myself and my kids or with someone new. I shouldn't jump the gun like I have been.

My thoughts, they run away from me and I have to stop.

I have work tomorrow so I will leave it here for now. I definitely know sleep is important for mental health.

Have a great night and I will probably be on here tomorrow.

Thanks again.

Regards,

Anna

[Croix]

Dear Anna~

You do sound more settled now, I'm glad.

Incidentally one does not always get replies speedily here, which is nothing to do wiht you, or what you are talking about, it's just the way the place works sometimes, so if you find you are not answered for a while when you post again don't worry.

Also you might find the VERY long thread

Forums / PTSD & Trauma / PTSD for Medical and First Responders

gives you some insight into the illness.

Croix

[Blah_Blahs_Wife]

Thanks so much for your insight Croix, Your experience has given me some hope but also some clarity.

I went to work today and put my brave face on, I actually tried to stop the thoughts which somewhat worked. I was distracted with work tasks for the most part.

Today for the first time, I felt anger towards him because I had given up 10 years of my life to look after his two kids and mine. That sounds awful even though I consider them my children as well. I supported him in his career for so long - the extra shifts, being called into work. There was a slight infidelity that occurred but I forgave him and we moved forward. I listened to him when he needed someone to listen. It is a bitter pill to swallow. That someone I gave my whole heart to, my whole world to no longer wants me as his wife.

I went out tonight with his family - they don't know the extent to which our marriage is in trouble. I came home after and laid in bed with my two girls and talked and hugged and joked. It was so nice. 15 minutes later I find myself in this dark hole again.

He has been more distant today than other days, a little colder than usual and very unsure about what is going on in his head. I also too afraid to ask.

I wish I could hear from other wives and their experiences because I know too well how many broken relationships there are out there. More so when PTSD is involved and it's his job, he can't just walk away from it. He takes a break but then home life stresses him out.

I'm so frightened of the future.

But I have to rationalise and take it one step at a time I know.

Thank you.

If your wife is around I would love to hear her side.

Kind regards,

Anna