Managing Finances with Bipolar Partner

[ForeignWife]

My partner is bipolar and has some level of high functioning Aspergers. They are also the main breadwinner. However despite having a reasonable income every month we struggle. His focus is more on incomings and outgoings and no matter how many times I try and discuss finances we hit a wall. He has an idea that he is the man and the breadwinner so he should do it. So completely shuts down about it. I try and map out our outgoings and he is unresponsive, rude and irritable. Each month it feels like he sets himself up for failure by being too ambitious about his budget expectations and expenses. Then punished himself for not doing what is wanted to do. Has anyone got any advice or tips from experience as to how to deal with this? I’m really at my wits end.

[Quercus]

Hello FW and welcome to the forums,

I don't have experience with bipolar or Aspergers but I your post resonated with me strongly.

My husband is similarly controlling of finances. I remember suggesting the same idea for years and being disregarded and then one day he read a book on financial planning and presented my idea to me as his own. I didn't bother with the "I told you so" just encouraged him and filed that technique away for future reference....

Find sources he will listen to as reputable and introduce them to the house. Then let him believe it is his idea and his decision.

Manipulative? Yes probably. I never said I was a saint.

But I got so sick of being disregarded. And the reality is it is my life and my fiances too. So it's either find a way to stop wanting to pull my hair out in frustration or leave him.

I love him even if he drives me up the wall sometimes so this made me able to make our relationship work.

If books aren't his thing try taking him to a financial planner (helps if it is another bloke). Or someone who is experienced in that field. Someone he will accept ideas from.

I hope others with more experience in bipolar or Aspergers feel able to respond soon. In the meantime search the forums and join in wherever feels right for you.

I hope you can find a solution that works for you.

Nat

[quirkywords]

Hi Foreign wife,

I have bipolar but not Aspergers.

Quercus has given some helpful advice.

Is your husband getting treated for his bipolar?

When I was manic, I would spend far too much money and be totally impulsive.

Now I am stable and have my own business , I still sometimes want to spend too much so I get a second opinion

from some one I trust and get help from an accountant.

I can understand how frustrated you are when you are trying to help.

I can also see how he wants to be the person in control and make think because of his bipolar he is not coping which would he would see as a critical comment.

As Quercus pointed out people with out bipolar and Aspergers have problems with finances so it may be a financial problem not a mental health one or a mixture of both. This is just my opinion and may not apply to you situation.

Quirky

If you can get him when he is not high or low and can talk openly and calmly about how he feels that may help.