Loved one going through depression

[Shez89]

Hey guys, Im new to this forum and need help!

I have seeked a psychologist just so I can understand more about depression.

My Fiance is going through depression.. He was diagnosed last year, but its only gotten serious the last couple of weeks..

To cut the long story short, he has lost 3 people in his family (one bro, mother, and birth mother) in the last year and a half. The latest one being 3 weeks ago.. he had a car accident 3-4 yrs ago, which has left his back stuffed for good and has been told recently he needs surgery done.. plus we are planning our wedding which is supposed to be this November.

Last week he told me he wanted to be alone.. he didnt feel anything for me (after 9 yrs), and doesnt feel anything for the wedding.. then the next day tells me im still his fiance and that he doesnt want me to cancel anything...

He has been staying with his brother since last week, (hasnt been taking his medication).. he doesnt want me to contact him, but leave him alone. I saw him once only on the weekend to hang out, and he told me he has already wanted to commit suicide.. this has left me so worried, that the next day I texted him just to make sure he is ok and alive.. but he got annoyed at me for texting and calling him...

I dont know what to do.. I cry everyday.. I dont feel like eating.. I dont want to do anything! All I do is think about him and if he is alive and ok.... I want to contact him but I dont want to push him away. 

What do I do?

[geoff]

dear Shez, I'm so sorry for you not receiving any replies, unfortunately this can happen as it depends on the time of the day when you post your comment and then the number of posts that are also submitted, which means that you could be pushed over to page 2 or page 3 within a very short time, so I hope that you are still checking.

Can I suggest that you click onto 'resources' at the top of this page and order the 'printed material' from BB, it's free but very informative about depression, this may then help you understand more about it.

Your finance could be suffering from PTSD with that has happened, which I am really so sorry for, but there is much more to how he feels.

When someone has depression our minds are not clear, and we say things that are not true, it just comes out, it's not meaning to hurt you, but actually protect you, so let me explain.

Most depressed people don't want to involve their loved ones, and by saying this I mean that they don't want to let onto them about our depression, because we don't want to alarm them, and by saying this he wants to be alone only means that he is protecting you on how he feels, however it's never taken that way by you, which can be difficult to understand.

To follow on from this is that he doesn't want any contact, simply for the reason that he doesn't want to be asked question after question, and this was no different than how I felt, and I'm sure many other people have felt.

None of this is too helpful for you, but please order this material it will explain so much, but what we know is that it is really distressing for you.

Please if you can get back to us that would be great. L Geoff. x

[HelenM]

Hi Shez

This must be such a worrying time for you. I think your bf head will be all over the place. Regarding your wedding, I think it would be a good idea to postpone it for now. When someone is really ill with depression it's hard for them to deal with big events. You could tell him that you still really want to get married but want to wait til he's well and you can both enjoy the day. My brother had to cancel his wedding as his fiance had depression. Three years later they got married.

Having a loved one who is depressed is very upsetting. Does his brother know he has depression? Could you talk to his brother about your concerns.

Please keep posting,  Helen

[Shez89]

Hi Geoff and Helen.

Thank you for your replies. Alot has happened since I last posted this. Last Friday he ended the relationship. I met to speak to him about postponing the wedding and he told me he didnt want to hurt me anymore and he wanted to be alone.. And that I deserved better. We have been together for 9 years so since I was 16yrs old. So ofcourse it is very hard to think about life without him...

He has also told me he is going to check himself into a hospital. I think that is very good news. He has recognised he isnt well and wants to fix it. And I hope he actually does do what he says. But at the same time told me he wanted to move out of Australia and get away from everyone and everything. I told him I am still going to be there for him no matter what. And not to make decisions too quickly.

He has finally spoken with his bestfriend as well. I told his bestfriend to help him with finding a private hospital.

So at the moment I am seeing a psychologist for my own health because I have had panic attacks and anxiety. And I am trying to look after myself and at the same time let him know that I am here for him.

[HelenM]

Dear Shez89

I'm really sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. I am very glad to hear that you're seeking help yourself. This is so important for you. Also, you seem such a caring person. You want the best for him despite the obvious hurt.

Please keep posting here for support and take care, Helen

[geoff]

dear Shez, I know that this news must be very disappointing for you, and that's totally understandable, however I don't feel as though he will go overseas, because his illness is making him say this, but at the moment let him get the hospital care and attention that he desperately needs, and don't forget that he will thinking about what he has said while he's in hospital.

I know that you would want to contact him daily, but as hard as it is, it's best to leave him alone, because if you keep seeing, texting or ringing him then nothing will change, and by no means am I blaming you for how he feels, time is the essence here. L Geoff. x