Lost and confused

[Trying_to_understand]

My partner and I have been together two years.

His previous relationship some years back created major financial hardship and with all the repercussions of this event he was shortly there after diagnosed with depression. Over the recent years he has became increasingly better through medication and creating a better and new routine but he still has his down falls.

He has always had a very close relationship with his family however in recent months, he has had a dispute with his family which has resulted in them more or less turning there back on him and he just cannot understand why. As it stems from events before we were together I myself find it hard to understand why they are doing this and when he comes to me for advise at times I am lost for words? He calls his mother quite regularly and tries to have discussions with her to try and work out their issue but it seems she says something to upset him every time which, causes a downfall.

Having quite a simple knowledge base of depression and anxiety how can I as a partner support my partner and try to help not let this event consume his and our life, when it seems that his family are merely moving on with theirs and we are in a stand still and dwelling on their every word? Do I need to tell him to stop contacting his Mother the last thing I want to do is offend him, but at times I feel it is the best thing?

How can I help to try keep us moving forward so we can enjoy and start our life together as I love him dearly?

[geoff]

hello, and thanks for posting your comment.

Firstly can I suggest that you click onto 'Resources' at the top of this page and order 'all the printed material' from BB, it's free, but I think that a better understanding of what depression is all about may help you, even though you feel as though you know, it would give you both a better knowledge.

Sometimes even when we do have a close relationship with our family there could always be an issue which may change this, it's sad because it can always be worked out, if either party are willing to give a bit, but at the moment his mother is upsetting him, but with depression we are not willing to deviant, but this illness causes this.

Perhaps he could write to her or email her if this would make him feel better, but if she doesn't reply then he will be upset, so he has to decide whether he wants to contact her, but why not give it a bit of time while he can get the help he needs, so you could suggest to him that he seeks some counselling as well continue to take his his medication, because it won't just go away, he has to sort through his battle.

I am wondering whether he is still suffering from his financial problems. Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Hello Trying to understand

It's good that you have found your way to Beyond Blue and welcome to the forum. It is good to be as informed as possible about depression so please go to the tabs at the top of the page and explore. There is a carer's guide which may be helpful. I know you are not a carer as such but there is some great information in that package. Also look at the information for family and friends. Both of these publications are under Resources.

Geoff has asked if there are still financial problems and of course this may have some bearing on his behaviour. Only tell us what you feel comfortable in saying. Does your partner receive any counselling. It may be useful at the moment while he is feeling so very stressed.

One of the most useful things a partner can do is to listen. Let your man talk about his concerns when he wants to do this. Let him know you are listening but try not to pre-empt his comments or offer advice. If he asks what you would do, you can ask him what he wants to happen and how this can be achieved. This may help him clarify his thoughts, his hurt and what he wants from his family.

Being estranged from family is always difficult, especially when you do not know the cause. If he talks about it a few times he may come to realise what is wrong and can then make a decision about the future. This may involve writing to his mother, making a time to speak with her or other members of the family, deciding to let them make the next move, or any other action.

You can also help in a practical way by ensuring he has a good diet, exercises and sleeps well. Easy to say I know but these things have a huge positive influence on a depressed person. Been there, done that.

Reassure him of your love and care. It may seem obvious that you care but when someone is depressed they often do not register this and feel very lonely. And of course this is why he feels so hurt about his family. They appear to have disowned him almost, so you can image how upsetting this is. Try to carry on with your life as far as possible. Trying to include family at this stage is obviously not working and sitting at home brooding is unproductive. If in the end he loses contact with his family it will be hard so for the time being organise your lives around your own needs. If circumstances change you can them make adjustments.

Mary