Losing friends

[Teddie_123]

Not long only about a couple days ago I lost 6 of my closest friends and my only friends, 3 of them texted me saying hey I’m really sorry but we don’t want to be your friend anymore it’s not because your not nice or whatever it’s because you put to much pressure on us and are to clingy but I’ve said to them if I’m ever to clingy or annoying tell me but they didn’t so I don’t have friends now and I’ve been struggling with a ed and I fainted at school and one of my old friends was saying I was faking when I wasn’t and I have also been struggling with my mental health since I was 10 and I have autism so not many people get me now I don’t have friends and I have been crying so much and I haven’t been to school in a week people are telling me oh you will find new friends and more but I don’t want new friends I want them they were the best to me and now I feel like I don’t even deserve friends anymore, I wish I could be there friend so I can stop feeling like this but that’s probably not ever going to happen again I had so many good memories with them and now they just have disappeared and they keep looking at me like I’m some type of animal and we never knew each other. 

[sbella02]

Teddie, I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you, what an awful thing to go through. 

I know you may be reflecting on the good moments, but I can assure you that the way that they've treated you is not expected behaviour from good, loyal friends. Good friends will want to spend time in your company and won't find your efforts to catch up "clingy" or too much at all. As much as these friends feel familiar and comfortable to you, you may find you'll be better off being without these people than in their disingenuous company. 

School can be a difficult place to meet genuine friends because everyone's forced to be in each other's company, which can make everyone feel pressured to act or be a certain way. If it helps, I made all my really good friends either outside of school or after it had ended. I wasn't my authentic self in school, not until the very end. I felt like I didn't belong so I suppressed a lot of my actual personality to appease others and surrounded myself with people who I might've had good moments with at the time but, at the end of the day, weren't the best friends. 

Particularly through your struggles with an ED, you'd expect your friends to be there to support you and offer you comfort and reassurance. For a friend to imply that you're faking it is not okay, and I'm sorry that you've had this experience with people who are meant to support you. 

Would you feel comfortable joining any extracurricular activities, volunteer groups or part-time jobs outside of school, or joining any clubs or hobby groups? Depending on your level of comfort in unfamiliar social environments, you may find that external social networks can be very helpful for offering some extra support and a means of boosting your mental health and wellbeing. Provided this is a feasible option for you, this may be something to consider as you can find some really good friends doing these kinds of activities, as there's already common ground to bond over.

Have you spoken to any members of your family about this, or other loved ones? Would you feel comfortable opening up to anyone else in your life about your experiences with these former friends? Teachers, siblings, parents, cousins, aunts or uncles... these kinds of connections can offer some good insight and reassurance.

I hope this helps, and please don't hesitate to reach out. We're here to support you.

All the best, SB

[Anonymous_As_Usual]

Please forgive me if any of this insults you (I'm a bit bad when it comes to friendliness),

I think you most likely should try and talk to a family member that cares for you. Going through this by yourself is not exactly the best idea. While we can communicate with you through the forums, sometimes you just need someone physically beside you. If you tell an adult family member, they will be able to arrange counseling. A counselor is a great idea, no matter where you are. It creates a safe space (and, sometimes, you can miss out on class) where you can talk about what you choose to talk about. There doesn't need to be any pressure or anxiety there for you, and it helps lot.

[therising]

Hi Teddie_123

This sounds like such a heartbreaking time for you and I feel for you so deeply. I'm so glad you've met with Anonymous_As_Usual and sbella02, who have given you such caring, supportive and thoughtful advice. You need more people like this in your life, especially right now.

There are those known as 'Fair weather friends', who are there when everything's happy, bright or easy for them. When it comes to dark times or challenging times, such people are off looking for friendships that are much easier to manage. Then there are good friends who are there for us no matter what. My 19yo son would tell you that he found both types throughout primary and secondary school and he'd also tell you that fair weather friends can become depressing to deal with. Unless you behave the way they want you to behave, they won't be happy with you or accepting of you because you don't make them happy and you don't make their life as easy as they'd like. My son's at the high functioning end of the autism spectrum, by the way. He's found a collection of really good friends who are quite a mixed bunch but can all relate to the challenges that can come with being unique in so many ways. Some are on the spectrum, some face ADHD challenges, the majority have faced bullying in one form or another over the years (my son included), some are members of the LGBTQ+ community and the list goes on. All of them have struggled in some way when it comes to proud acceptance of who they naturally are, while also facing different forms of rejection over time. They all support who each other naturally is and that's what makes them such good friends.

My son would be able to tell you that it wasn't until the last couple of years at school (years 11 and 12) that everyone matured into a better understanding and acceptance of each other and themselves. Up 'til then, they didn't hold the mental maturity, knowledge or experience to be able to manage some of the challenges that can be faced in certain types of friendships. Perhaps this is what you're witnessing in your old friendship group, a lack of maturity, knowledge and understanding that comes with experience. While you were mature in telling them that they needed to let you know if you're challenging them too much, they weren't mature enough or capable of managing that. They failed in this challenge and you're left facing that.

Finding people in your life who have the maturity and knowledge in helping you face this challenge means you're finding good guides to help you with the way forward. It's not enough for people to simply say 'You'll find other friends'. What you need is guidance in being able to do that, especially if you don't know how to do it on your own. Doesn't matter how old we are, there are some things we'll need guidance with. I'm 53 and I still need support and guidance when it comes to certain challenges in life, especially the ones that can feel depressing in some ways.

[sbella02]

I'm going to echo what Therising has said here, because it's very true. In my experience, people who are neurodivergent will often bond really well with other people who are also neurodivergent, as there are commonalities and shared experiences that people who are neurotypical may not be able to relate to in the same way. If you know anybody else in your life who is neurodivergent, you may find comfort in exchanging similar stories and social experiences. 

"Fair weather friends" is also such a good way of phrasing it. I also agree with the notion that everyone you meet at school will mature at different rates, and that this can have an effect on the quality of friendships that you can make at this time.