Looking for help to support my 24yo son

[93smum]

My 24 yo son, who lives interstate, has anxiety and depression. I believe he has started the process of seeking help, but he has a history of lying to me so I don't really know what to believe. He has experienced anxiety and depression before and has seen a psychologist. His dad and I separated when he was 11 and his dad died unexpectedly 5 years ago - he is an only child and isn't close to any other family, so it's just the two of us. My son recently visited for Christmas and although he spent a lot of time in his room on-line, I did manage to get him out and about a bit, and he said it helped, but he refuses to consider moving here for a few months so I can help him get back on track. He is unemployed and shows no interest in looking for work. I think he was studying last year, but who knows? He self-medicates with screens and food and is very overweight. I am considering moving to the city he lives in to try and support him. Last year, I was sending him money to help him out, but I am seriously considering withdrawing financial support as I don't think it's helping. I'd be really interested in your advice - do you think that moving to be closer to him will help? I struggle to cope with the lying and it really poisons our relationship. He tells me what he thinks I want to hear to protect himself from what he fears will be my disapproval and to "protect" me. I love him to death and don't know what to do.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi 93smum,

You sound like a lovely, concerned mum who is trying hard . It is really hard when we see our kids going in directions that we don’t like or can’t understand and we feel helpless and sometimes disappointed - in them and maybe in ourselves.

It sounds like your son has some self advocacy. He has done some things to attempt to help himself like go to his GP and get a referral.

I totally get that we need to step  towards family members who we believe are not well and unable to care for themselves or make safe decisions. 

However , with adult family members the triggers for when to step in and how far to step in are really tricky. There is a case for also allowing people to be who they are ( as long as they are not in danger of course ) even if WE don’t like it . I know this is one of the hardest things to do . 

But I am going to just put it out there that maybe we , as the seniors, as the guides , as the role models .. might help our struggling young ones with a lot of acceptance alongside the offers for help .

So 93smum, maybe the hardest but bravest position you could consider is to think the following about your son - if you are ok with who you are , then I am too ! But if you ever want to be different, then I will help you in whatever way I can . 

Maybe it might be useful for you to also get support to work out if you want to adopt this tack as it is really hard to do but maybe it could be great for BOTH of you . I’m not sure .. but if I asked your son about this , what do you think he would say ?  

In conclusion I think you are doing the most important things - loving him , caring , not abandoning him . The rest is just a matter of an approach that works for you .

Good luck !