Lonely - I've never told anyone about my husband's depression

[Lou_Lou]

Hello - I'm new to this site and it's the first time I've spoken about my husband's depression. I'm very nervous doing this and I'm hoping to get some support and coping strategies. 

My husband has been in the shadows of depression his entire life (first depression at 9) and is in a very bad biological depression at the moment. He regularly sees a psychiatrist and has been trying different drugs for over a year now. Nothing has worked not even the newest drug combos. He is on a last resort drug but it's very old and did work for him about 20 years ago. This is the last option before he seriously thinks about ECT. Scares the heck out of me but it may be his only hope in living some sort of life. 

He doesn't drink, exercises regularly, goes to work (can't concentrate at the moment tho)  and really tries to shake this but he can't. He constantly talks about money, about loosing his job, about what he'll do when he looses his job, about anything to do with money. He is obsessed with money and spending it, he can't. We do not go on holidays and every one we go on he complains about how much it costs, so we just don't go now. He also talks about wanting to be dead. It's dreadful that I can't help him. I try but I find I'm nice and supportive and then I just loose it, I walk into the bedroom and he's in that darn bed again, he looks sick. It's driving me crazy. This depression has been going on for two years but it's been really bad the past 3 months where he's been in bed all weekend. 

I have not told any family or friends about this. I feel like if I do I'll be betraying him. I make excuses for him constantly as to why he's not at functions, our kids events or even at my birthday dinner, which he missed last year but my friends' husbands came - that was embarrassing . He does have a demanding job so I always use that as an excuse. I often wonder if more people know than I realise, I bet they do.

It has really only dawned on me how severe his depression is. When I look back at photos and our 10 year marriage I think 'oh that's when he was depressed' in all the photos. So his depression is bad. We have two children 6 and 7. He spend most weekends in bed zonked out on sleeping tablets. I am very social and find it so lonely to not be able to have people over to our house when he's here. I dearly want a warm welcoming house full of people but that's not going to happen when he's here I do most of my socialising when he's not here. The other day a neighbours little girl came and and said "oh why's your dad in bed" and my son said "oh that's just dad he's always in bed." Gee my heart sank, I'm worried for the kids, I hope this is not hurting them. I keep the kids social and we have lots of friends and so do they.  

My husband had a dreadful childhood with an alcoholic father and narcissistic mother. Really awful childhood so I'm worried all his childhood trauma can't be treated with drugs. 

It seems like such a mess and I'm trying to stay strong but feel like exploding. Can anyone relate? 

Thanks for reading. 

xo

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[geoff]

dear Lou Lou, I can't explain how sorry I am for you , your husband and your children, but I would like to thank you for being able to post this comment, which in several circumstances is the difficult part of trying to help someone, and in this case it's your husband.

There are people who have had ECT with great success, but it always seems to be the last resort, and by the way you are talking it's something that his psychiatrist, and yourself should be talking about.

I have excluded him basically because his mind may not be logical from his depression, as he seems to have had it for such a long time, so any ramifications from performing it really should be left to you and his psych., and I know that he would try anything to overcome this depression, so his immediate answer would be yes 'do it'.

I can only relate with him wanting to spend the week-end in bed, that's his haven, and to face the public on social occasions seems to be a nightmare, because everybody keeps on asking 'what are you doing these days', or 'why don't we see you', so this automatically puts so much stress on him he decides he doesn't want to go.

But in turn this also puts pressure on you and your kids, because kids talk and relay the message back to their parents, so it has the snowball effect, and sometimes those parents come and try to break down this barrier, but this causes hostility, between you and the neighbours as well as you with your husband.

I am worried about 'what he'll do if he loses his job', and hopefully you can let us know, although you have indicated that wants to be dead.

I feel as though he should be hospitalised at the moment, where you and him can talk to the psych about having ECT and the pro's and con's from this procedure.

I also wonder if he still talks about his childhood years, which I understand must have been traumatic for him.

We also have another problem here, in that in marriages people don't talk about their individual depression, because they feel as though they don't want to upset their spouse or partner, so they stay quiet, but really this doesn't help, but this happens on every different personal situation, but it also creates logger heads as to what to do.

How is his relationship with his psychiatrist and I wonder whether you have been in a session with him, or if he doesn't want to join them.

I hope that you can reply back to us. L Geoff. x

[Lou_Lou]

Thank you for taking the time to respond Geoff I really appreciate it. 

ECT is the last resort but that is where we are at the moment, we seem to be at the end of the line in terms of treatment options. Have you had any experience with ECT? We have spoken about it a bit and we're both open to it. 

I have been in two sessions with one psych and one session with another one. His main psych referred him for a second opinion re ECT with a psych who only gives second opinions. The second psych wanted to see how he would go on this very old drug which worked for him 20 yrs ago. But basically I think they have cleared the way for a very swift transition into hospital should he need ECT quickly. I'm sensing that he will need ECT but am remaining positive about the possibility of this drug working. Side effect profile not good, blurred vision, weight gain etc. If we have to do ECT I'd hate for him to loose his knowledge.  

He has a great relationship with his psychiatrist and has his mobile number. I also really respect his psychiatrist and trust him. I've liked both of the ones I've met recently actually. I have met one he went to many years ago but he was always trying to get him off drugs and meditate and be mindful…doesn't work with two babies 6 months and 18 months and a very demanding job. 

As he's had such a bad time going on and off all these drugs for a year I think he's just holding out on this new drug in the hope it will pull him from his depression. Seems to be a horrific going down/going up process but then again he's been doing this all year tying drugs to get better only to have the disappointment of them not working. It's only his second day on this other one but it's bad. He's in bed now but did get out of bed and play basketball this morning which I thought was terrific, 

The problem is he wants to get better so so badly that he pushes himself every day. He normally rides to work, eats well but the depression is so bad he actually has quit significant cognitive impairment so it's all just getting worse I guess. 

The job is a problem but if he looses it we'll cope. He needs healing time so I want him out of that environment anyway, His job is so demanding that it has been hard for him to stay away yesterday (he still had conference calls) but I made him stay home as his response time to questions was so slow and I thought he'd get overwhelmed at work. I was right he told me he feels like he's loosing his mind and he's scared. I'm scared for him.

We talked about his childhood only the other day and he seemed to be better off after. It was so bad I can't even begin to imagine. We've cut off all contact with his adoptive family. He was adopted at birth into a very destructive family. His biological mother is in contact and was an 18 yr old Catholic girl who's baby was taken from her at birth and adopted out. What's even more tragic is his biological family are all smart well adjusted adults. I guess he'd be resentful of the fact he didn't grow up in his biological family - I am. His biological mother has never married and has no other children. She suffers from anxiety and is on meds. 

Thanks for you help.

xoxo Lou Lou

[Mares73]

Dear Lou Lou I feel for you so much. I too had a very abusive & traumatic childhood which I pushed deep inside myself, & went on to have a high pressured job with lots of responsibility. I thrived on this as I was a very high achiever & a perfectionist. I think keeping such a busy job stopped me from facing & dealing with the trauma that was unresolved. I have two children & had postnatal depression after each of them. I thought it was just hormonal & went back to work. Then about 10 years ago the depression started & it has progressed to the point I haven't worked for 7 years & still battle with accepting I have depression. My situation is complicated in that my husband nearly died at 38 -2years ago from a rare form of acute leukemia. I have been on most antidepressants and finally only in the past 2 years found a SNRI type of antideppressant which helped. Although I have depression, anxiety & PTSD I do not have bipolar or anything-just depression & anxiety-but my psychiatrist has added an antipsychotic as an augmentation therapy to help the antidepressant work more effectively. Has your husbands Pyschiatrist ever suggested this? Perhaps it's worth looking at the fact sheets on this website about different types of medication & how different medications can be used in conjunction with an antidepressant to make it more effective. And despite the fact your husband may have tried several-each time he tries or goes black on another one-it still takes several weeks to work. Another idea if you have private health insurance is to try & get him into hospital ASAP so that he can perhaps get support & trial a different combination before making the final descion that ECT is the final option. I'm surprised he isn't already hospitalised regardless of ECT-his depression sounds so severe that hospital sounds like an immediate necessity. Could you phone the Pyschiatrist & tell him how serious things are & that you feel hospital is now necessary. At least you would know he is safe, being cared for in an environment he needs & it gives you & the children a desperately needed break. I know there is also a group for carers of partners with depression-I can't recall exact name but its listed on this site under "links to external contacts & websites". You really need some care, relief & support yourself as its been so traumatic & you have the children as well. Do you want to have a look at the treatments section and the help for carers & then let us know how your going? ECT is, I believe the final option where all other treatments have failed. And you may have heard of Professor Gordan Parker, a highly renowned Pyschiatrist who led the Black Dog Institude, he has recently written a book called " A Piece of my mind- A pyschiatrists View from the couch". If you google his name & ECT he provides some factual evidence of the real statistics on ECT & it's success rate. I am in no way wanting to push you one way or another but he is someone whose advice I would seriously consider. He also provides alternatives when antidepressant treatment isn't effective such as using other medications together to get the best result. I hope perhaps on Amazon or something you can get an overview of his experience. I don't know if your in NSW but The Black Dog Institude is mainly patients referred because they seem treatment resistant to medications. I guess I'm saying ECT isn't the only final option & I'd urge you to do a bit of research on the success rates before making your final descion. Hope to hear from you soon. Mares xxx

[geoff]

dear Lou Lou, thanks for replying.

Because your husband was adopted out changes the whole scenario, which has affected him so greatly, and maybe he is trying not to think about his situation now, compared to when he was a child, but it's working in reverse and that's why he's depressed.

In regard whether I have had ECT well I was so close to having it as my wife and and I went to the hospital which was the mental hospital and talked about it with a psych, but he suggested trying another new antidepressant first, which I tried but after awhile it was no good, that's when my psychologist said to get a script for a SSRI which I tried a couple until the last one started to work, if this didn't happen then I would have got the ECT, because I was desperate, no different than your husband.

Mares has provided a great reply back to you, so please reread it a couple of times and then go hunting.

What concerns us is that you will need some help yourself, either with counselling and /or medication, because the tension inside you is really building up, and with two children to look after, plus your husband, it's all becoming too much for you.

Please let us know what happens a.s.a.p. L Geoff. x

[Lou_Lou]

Dear Mares and Geoff,

Thank you so much for all your advice. Such a relief to be getting some support. It's very very helpful. I'm thinking about everything you've written. I will take all the advice on board. 

He's done 7 years of psychotherapy re his childhood and adoption with a psychiatrist but when he gets better his newer psychiatrist said he'll do more.

It's so complicated and the treatment options are so varied and there are so many combos/doses. Over the past 12 months he's been on a few SSRI and boosters and and MAOI and boosters and now tricyclic and possibly an antipsychotic with it a couple of weeks if he's still bad. He did try an antipsychotic with one of his combos but the side effects of all three drugs was just too much so he really didn't give the antipsychotic a good shot. He does not have manic depression 

We are in NSW and live very close to Black Dog so this advice re other specialists is helpful, very helpful. I will contact them and get more opinions before ECT. 

We had a dinner on last night and my husband couldn't go but one of his good friends just asked me if I was ok and it was a look and an understanding that he knows and without saying it directly we had a connection. He said he was there for us and also said he was there for my husband and he thinks he could help him. He asked if my husband would talk to him about it. I guess saying it out loud to loved ones makes it real and you can't take it back. Everyone suspects/probably knows but as this guy is in the corporate world I know my husband is worried about his reputation. I feel like we are moving in the right direction.

I'm scared about hospital and don't want to damage my husband's reputation. When you suggested hospital do you mean go in for a long time and try different combos? I don't know how we could manage that without work finding out? 

We have a lunch on today with my family and my husband is in bed again and very anxious/depressed staring into space but I've just had a good convo with him. He's completely aware of how bad he is. I don't want to make him come but I don't want to leave him on his own either. I am considering telling my family today but not sure yet. I have hidden all the drugs and just left enough out for him to get relief. Typing this makes me realise that i can't leave him on his own so he'll either come with us or we won't go. 

Thank you

I'm about to re read all your advice again and again,

You have been so incredibly helpful I am so glad I came on this site. 

Warmest regards

xo Lou Lou

[geoff]

dear Lou Lou, thanks for being able to have the support that you desperately need, it's great when the advice we can deliver, so to speak, can be of some benefit.

Just a couple of queries that you have asked, but firstly this chap who is in the corporate world would seem to a very good back stop for you and your husband.

I put you in front of your husband, because you have been the one who has posted this comment, so it's only fair that we reply back to you.

I am just curious as to whether this chap, who I will refer as X, has suffered from depression himself, or whether being part of his training in the corporate world he has had to study depression and what it can do to the poor person suffering from it.

Anyway his help maybe of great benefit to the both of you, and there is the possibility of him being able to employ him in the future.

I can well and truly understand his thoughts of losing his job, but X could convince him that there are many people who suffer from depression, and have got back onto their feet and pushed ahead once more, and can I say is that no one ever wants to suffer the anguish of this terrible illness, nor the follow on effect that it can leaves us in, but once, and fingers crossed, he can overcome this debilitating disease, he will develop a much greater strength at the end of the tunnel, I know it seems to be a long way a way, but you never know, all he needs is just something small that he can think about and relate back to, that could change him, so please never give up on this.

About going to hospital does he have any sick leave or has he been too frightened to take any of it, or perhaps service leave, and if so then he could go to hospital and no one would know, but he has to be convinced that if he does have any leave that it's OK to take it.

I truly believe that you are doing the thing about hiding all the extra meds, and it could be dangerous to leave him alone, so yes I would tell your family that you can't go, as these bridges can be built again, but not at the moment.

You have a heavy responsibilty on your hands, so we are still worried for your health. L Geoff. x

[Lou_Lou]

Hello Geoff 

The chap is my husband's friend and I think his daughter and wife have been depressed in the past, he's not trained but was just reaching out as a friend. I told my husband but he's not interested in getting into details with friend as he does seriously take the advice of his psychiatrist and is very well read in the area of depression. He does have one mutual friend he talks to about his depression and anxiety but he doesn't want to tell too many people. I can relate because the majority of people don't really want to know. 

I told my mum and sister yesterday which has made me feel better. they are being very very supportive and it does help me to know that I can ask them for help. So for instance I'm going to the psychiatrist with my husband on Thurs morn and my mum will look after the kids, that's a great help and I feel better knowing she knows and I don't have to lie about why I need the kids taken care of. It's a relief. 

We have spoken about taking time off work and we are working that out. He has next week off, I made him take it off but I think he'll need longer. He was in such a bad way today that he begged me to come home from a quick grocery shop after I dropped my son at a bday party. He felt much better when I got home but he's never been that bad before. 

I thought he was getting better today we had a good convo this morning but at about 2 he went down hill big time. I have the feeling that when I think he's good he's not really good he's just used to feeling terrible the whole time. He told me he's like a rusty old car and that the rust (depression and anxiety) has just eaten away at him and something has given this time. The poor guy, how dreadful. 

I'm not sure hospital is good for him because today we spoke about it and he said he wants to wait to see if this drug will kick in and that it could take 3 weeks. He sounds so lucid when he talks about his treatment with me but I know he has suicidal thoughts. He told me he does. I have given him a few major lectures about the impact   of him dying would have on his kids and the fact they's be tainted and would probably end up with mental health issues themselves. I don't know if this was the right thing to do or not. He said he would never take his life he just thinks about being dead and that it gives him some peace. Holy moly he is in pain. 

I understand I need help and I need to see someone because the enormity of this is hitting me like a tone of bricks. My life will never be carefree and fun I will forever be living in the shadows of my husband's depression. We will never have a normal life. I will forever have to cover for him when he's in bed. I would dearly like to have  normal life where we have couples for friends and I don't have to socialise on my own. 

that is selfish I know but I now realise my life will forever be full of sadness for what could have been but that wasn't. 

my daughter is having a sleepover tonight (here at our house) and we've had a terrific time - all of us playing and having fun. My husband was of course in bed the entire time. I made an excuse to pick up my friend's daughter so they wouldn't know my husband was in bed. Anyway the kids never even think to say goodnight to him because I actually think they forget he's home. Maybe that's better. He's either been at work or in bed their entire life so I guess it doesn't really enter their minds that he's in bed and not at work.

I am worried for my health too and will get some help as I really have to stay brave and fun for my kids. I really don't want them to see both of us sad. 

xo Lou Lou