Living with the blame for a partners illness

[LML]

Hi

We are 5 months into our journey, hubby has been fully medicated for only about 8-10 weeks & says he is now in remission. His issue which is overwhelming at the moment is blaming myself and our relationship for his illness. I'm finding this very hurtful & its adding to my acute distress which has been going on for all these months. His strategy is to shut me out. We are lucky enough to have GP & psychology support & the psychologist will be working with him on this. Any tips to get thru?I know I have done nothing "wrong" I have reacted to and called him on his behaviour in the past. He calls anything I ask a demand, apparently I have bullied him & am controlling. My language patterns set him off, after loving them man for 8 years i'm now changing my whole language for fear or making things worse - I don't want to hurt him I just want him better. Any ideas how long this will take?

[LML]

Thanks GT,he's been in touch with the psychologist who will go back to brining us in weekly. I let him know I had been in touch with his GP & the helpline.

Doing lots to take care of myself, lots of rest, aiming to exercise each day but not managing as much as I should, great food, good hobbies & joined an online group to get dressed each morning with style, its distracting, fun & makes sure i take time out to plan for the next day 🙂

Next session, next Monday

[LML]

txt today after i asked from some help as i am stuck at home injured with no power due to storms (requested milk, food for weekend & to charge phone)...

"I am not letting you hurt me of bring me down anymore. I am not letting you  affect my life adversely anymore. Of all the years i cried out and got nothing back that mattered. You very nearly killed me. Now you want my help."

I called & asked what i had done to nearly kill him & he stated it would take a year to tell me, not listening, pushing him away...

Nothing I can do except report to GP and beg him again to refer on to psychiatrist.

My hubby is in such a bad place why can't I get him the right help

[Pixie15]

Hi LML,

Have you someone else who can help you to get the things you need?

You seem to be just opening yourself for more pain by contacting him. If I were you I would step back and avoid any contact with him until he was prepared to accept responsibility for his own behavior.

Playing the victim and accusing a person of abusing you is a form of abuse. If he is not doing anything himself to make positive changes in his own life you can not help him.

Grateful.

[LML]

Break thru in joint therapy

Hubby realised he may have been ill for over 20 years, also that an expert can help more than GP & he has nothing to lose by trying

[LML]

... and here we are at 8 months, hes still blaming me for being controlling when i am looking out for him. I have been to a psychiatrist who agreed to see him & the psychologist wrote a 3 page letter to her before she agreed to see him. she sent me for full sexual health screening & told me how to get help if I needed to, I'd prefer him to have private treatment with some dignity while we can still afford it

I have been to GP with a huge long list of his risky behaviours, none of which the GP knew about, he took notes & sad he would bring him in.

As above last psychology session he said he would see the recommended psychiatrist & believed he had been ill for 30 years.

Now after a Xmas period where not a week can go by without some financial or other drama hes saying he'll choose who he goes to & he doesn't trust me, doesn't understand my motives doesn't think the joint sessions are a good idea for a little while., I'm trying to crash him (his mood).

This is the 4th time this happened...

[Pixie15]

Hi LML,

I am sorry I have to say that the more you post the more I am starting to agree with your partner that you are being controlling.

Even if your husband has a mental health problem you cannot coerce him into having treatment and you can only help him to the extent that he wants to remain in a relationship with you. Although you are getting him to the appointments it does not sound like you are really helping him. Your partner has a right to his own life choices no matter how bad you may judge them to be.

On a more positive note I will try to post a link to another forum which is specifically for carers. It might help you to get some feedback from other carers.

http://arafminsw.saneforums.org/t5/Carers-Forum/ct-p/carers-forum

Best wishes

Grateful.

[LML]

Ooops I thought I had posted thanks for being honest with me straight away but looks like I didn't, I have taken this on board & thought about it...

I suppose any carer/partner that had gone through...

$150 000 being spent in 6 months with issues paying for food & utlilities

selling joint assets without consultation

an affair

smashed china & glass doors

promises made & never acted on in counseling

having to call the police as he has a cardiac condition & didn't check in when said he was going to on holiday

promising to start psychiatrist help for over 4 months

telling me I nearly killed him because I called him on his behaviour - which would take a year to explain

... would be pretty keep to get him to an expert to start his own journey.

[LML]

Nice message last week...

Just to let you know medication changed from next week. I am starting comprehend what has happened to me.I am so sorry.

Looks like still only with GP.

You wouldn't let a GP treat your cancer why would a GP not refer someone on to a psychiatrist after everything he has been thru? He deserves better.

[Pixie15]

Hi LML,

Are you okay?

Your post is a little confusing.What do you mean by starting to comprehend what has happened to you? What are you sorry for?

Grateful.

[LML]

"Just to let you know medication changed from next week. I am starting comprehend what has happened to me.I am so sorry."

Is a message from hubby.

He still has not seen a psychiatrist after 4 months of saying he is going to one. That means he still hasn't started his own journey.