Living with the blame for a partners illness

[LML]

Hi

We are 5 months into our journey, hubby has been fully medicated for only about 8-10 weeks & says he is now in remission. His issue which is overwhelming at the moment is blaming myself and our relationship for his illness. I'm finding this very hurtful & its adding to my acute distress which has been going on for all these months. His strategy is to shut me out. We are lucky enough to have GP & psychology support & the psychologist will be working with him on this. Any tips to get thru?I know I have done nothing "wrong" I have reacted to and called him on his behaviour in the past. He calls anything I ask a demand, apparently I have bullied him & am controlling. My language patterns set him off, after loving them man for 8 years i'm now changing my whole language for fear or making things worse - I don't want to hurt him I just want him better. Any ideas how long this will take?

[LML]

I was silent for a lot of the session & only validated what he said nothing else.

Since seeing the psychologist by myself I realise there is quite a bit of what could be termed immature behaviour. He hates conflict in the house (does it for a living in his books), to the point where he just walks out after complaining & nothing is ever resolved; fingers in his ears when he doesn't want to hear something, smashing china in frustration when I have no idea what is going on. There is some boarding school history which is starting to come out, he thinks he may have been depressed about 30 years ago & took a year off to get better with no diagnosis, also not good with authority, switched jobs from govt teaching, to working as part of a team, to working for himself. i asked counsellor if she thinks he has any idea that we could go thru this & actually come out the other side better. I don't think he does, his relationship history says not too.

[LML]

One of my siblings called last night before bed.

In an effort to be supportive I was told, its six months this month since hubby refused to come home, I don't deserve to be treated like this, its aging me before everyone's eyes, he is a coward for not facing up to things & stating his intentions for our marriage, he's off living his own life with no thought or concern for me.

Since i last posted i called the GP for help as he was stating intentions to buy something that would be equivalent of 6 weeks salary & would be the 4th one. We haven't even paid bills on time this quarter. With the aid of the psychologist I'm just being very quiet & not asking for anything, so nothing is taken as a demand, next joint session next week.

No sleep last night & at work totally knackered 😞

[LML]

I see 6 months as a blink in a mental health journey - she sees it as not being seen in public together & heading for divorce without telling me.

[Pixie15]

Hi LML,

I have read through your posts and the alarm bells have been ringing. Sorry but I am inclined to agree with your sibling and suggest that you need to be looking out for yourself.

The first thing that is worrying me is that you are trying to do everything for him and his comfort. It sounds really unusual that you should both have the same psychologist. I would not agree to this you need your own counselor to help sort out the situation from your point of view. 

If he is living away from home and running up debt in your name you need to get some financial help to separate from his negative activity. Not trying to stop him you cannot do that but to protect yourself. 

Try and get your own focus back on your own behavior. What do you want? 

Grateful.

[LML]

Hi GT - thanks for the reply.

As long as the psychologist is seeing us both for staying together couples therapy we are ok - she has explained that to us in detail & been very explicit that one of us would have to go if not. It has actually been really handy to have someone who has seen his patterns as a cycle and had his behaviours that I am describing demonstrated to them

I have separated my finances completely & made sure I am not liable for any debt.

My short term goal is for him to be assessed by an expert, long term is for us to have a peaceful retirement together

[Pixie15]

Hi LML,

I hope you manage the long-term goal with the peaceful retirement. I will be interested to hear how your couples therapy goes if you are happy to keep posting.

Grateful

[Shoozi94]

Wow.... I can't believe I am not the only one. My husband of 20 years blames me for his depression and suicidal thoughts, he even went to a brothel with the intention of me being upset enough to end the marriage.  I moved out with our son because my husband was so suicidal and just wanted us gone.  Now I just get sms or very cold stand offish chats..... I love your long term goal of retiring together..... I understand what you go through and how hard this is.... I am only at the beginning .... Oops there I go again making this about me.... Anyway you sound like your psychologist is on to things.... Let us know how you go xoxox

[LML]

If I can clearly demonstrate that hubby is hurting himself, myself & his reputation from a financial point of view do you think thats OK to go see his GP with & ask for a referral to psych assessment.

Found put he hasn't been going to weekly therapy

Joint counselling tonight

[LML]

Hubby didn't show for therapy last week giving 10 mins notice that he was doing something important at work.

We rescheduled as requested & he walked out after 30 mins, shouting and swearing when I called the tax return from my ince "MY tax".

In looking for him afterwards I found out that the guy he says is looking after him at work does not know where he is even staying & neither do I. i think this is a risk.

I have been to his GP on the weekend to spell out the financial risks of his behaviour, I have forwarded an email I sent to hubby expressing some of my concerns that he has permission to talk to him about, they are things i can evidence so there is no he say she say happening.

Ended up on the help line last night, felt ok in a way that everything suggested I had put in place.

Bracing for impact when he realises I have seen his GP. he is denying hes on anti depressants and saying his depression is in remission.

He knows I think his behaviour is risky, he has cut our communication down to emails & txt and joint counselling.

[Pixie15]

Hi LML,

It sounds like you have done everything that you can for your husband. I am not sure what your husband's doctor can do for him. If he has trouble with authority he may not listen to him either.

I went to see my own doctor a couple of years ago when my partner was in a very depressed and negative state and I was at the point of being afraid of sleeping in the same bed. The doctor told me that if I tell her I am afraid of my husband she has to report it to the police and I said please forget we had this conversation. I did not want to escalate the situation. 

I know your worried about your husband running up debt but if your financial affairs are already separated there is nothing you can do to stop him. What are you doing to take care of yourself?

Grateful.