Living with the blame for a partners illness

[LML]

Hi

We are 5 months into our journey, hubby has been fully medicated for only about 8-10 weeks & says he is now in remission. His issue which is overwhelming at the moment is blaming myself and our relationship for his illness. I'm finding this very hurtful & its adding to my acute distress which has been going on for all these months. His strategy is to shut me out. We are lucky enough to have GP & psychology support & the psychologist will be working with him on this. Any tips to get thru?I know I have done nothing "wrong" I have reacted to and called him on his behaviour in the past. He calls anything I ask a demand, apparently I have bullied him & am controlling. My language patterns set him off, after loving them man for 8 years i'm now changing my whole language for fear or making things worse - I don't want to hurt him I just want him better. Any ideas how long this will take?

[geoff]

dear LML, thanks so much for coming to this site.

It is terrible when the person blames their partner/spouse for their depression, but this does happen only because depression makes them say this, but this is not going to suffice on what he thinks, nor is it going to make you feel comfortable.

They know they have to blame someone and unfortunately the closest person to him is you, but it's not going sit well for you.

How long this will take, well no one knows, but what I can envisage is that it will set a predicate which is going to harm the relationship, and I'm sorry for having my point of view.

What happened in my marriage, which has ended, is that there was no way to turn the situation around, so she divorced me, but now we still see each other and get on much better, but we could never live together again, however she still blames me for having depression, and that it was only my fault, and no one else, and she had nothing to do with it.

I just wonder whether you can go and live with someone else, either family or friend, because you will never be able to change his mind, but this doesn't mean that you can't still love him and pay attention on how he is going, because you can at what ever time period you want, say daily , or weekly, just to make sure that his appointments are still being made and that he is going to them.

You could also contact his doctor and psychologist as well just to make sure he is going, which now brings me to a concern I have, in that you yourself need to get some professional help, because all of this has worn you down, so you aren't feeling well, as it seems as though you have had a lot of blame put towards yourself with no where to turn to.

So this is very important, because the next few weeks, which could lead into months are going to be tiring and hurtful for you.

Please get back to us because you may need to talk to us with what is worrying you. L Geoff. x

[LML]

Thanks Geoff - basically all these things are in place - he's also seeing a psychologist solo & they will invite me back when they have been thru his anger. So I have a positive to look forward to. He has stated that a score has gone from 22 to 2 so his depression is in remission - should he still be talking like this if that is true? He's been taking his very first medication for 8 weeks full strength, under GP with no pysch assessment (it hurts him when I mention this, but I wouldn't let a GP manage my cancer personally so I don't understand why no expert has been involved as yet) I am seeing the same psychologist who is very good & is trying to start our dialogue in a good place.

[AGrace]

Hi LML,

Thanks for joining us here at the forums. It's always great to hear from people who are caring for a loved one with a Mental Illness because it's a great first step in getting yourself some additional support. What's not so great is that your husband sees that his Depression is a result of something you have done. I love your statement "I know I have done nothing wrong". Please keep reminding yourself of this every time things get tough. It's an absolute rarity that someone would have the power to cause another person to get Depression. Depression is the result of a culmination of so many things. Sadly it is common for someone with a mental illness to want to lay blame on someone else, so please don't feel like your husband is the only person who has attempted this strategy.

You also mentioned that your husband has only been taking medication for 8 weeks. This is still very early days, as it takes about that time for most medications to even start to show signs of impact. By the sounds of it your husband has sought this medication from a GP, yet you comment that he is on a full strength dose. Most GPs will start a client on a very low dose (even when we might think it is high), just to get the client used to some of the side effects of the medicine first. The other point I wanted to make is that GPs cannot usually don't prescribe the same sorts of doses that a Psychiatrist will. GPs are often more conservative in their approach. Why am I saying all this? To bring you comfort in knowing that although your husband thinks he has reached a point of remission, it's highly likely that he still has a long way to go. Often acceptance of this is one of the greatest challenges for a person who is suffering from mental illness.

The assessments that GPs use also only refer to how a client has felt in the past 2 weeks, which is why it's possible for scores to fluctuate so much from one week to the next. It's great news, if your husband is starting to feel better, and I don't want to take away from his progress, but rest assured a lot of the blaming behaviour is all part of the condition.

There's such a difference between being supportive and walking on eggshells. The first is usually the most helpful. I think by making you be extra cautious your husband might be trying to avoid possible triggers. He will in turn with his Psychologist get some more support around going through a problem rather than avoiding it.

You are doing a great job.

AGrace

[LML]

Thank you so much for walking me thru this - I could cry with relief. I knew he still wasn't back to being himself. I am back to our psychologist solo next week & apparently he has agreed to a joint session after that. I feel I have over reacted when we had our joint session it was so hurtful to sit & hear him telling me how controlling I am after all this time. When in fact this is only a blink in his journey , at the moment I don't know how to be supportive for him when he reacts badly to pretty much everything I say. I'd better be a quick study!

[geoff]

dear LML, Amber's reply was really good, so can I suggest that you click 'resources' at the the top of the page and order the 'printed material', it's free and it will have some tips for you.

You won't be be able to download because there are too many pages, but you can try.

Please let us know as you seem to be by yourself with this. L Geoff. x

[Clarkson]

Hey LML,

Thanks for your hug on my post, and right back at you.

I find it kind of frustrating the anonymity of these forums, how good would it be to pick up the phone and talk to each other about what we're both going through? 

*Rick says stupidly hurtful things without understanding how they are hurtful, it's like he's super - extra blunt now. 

How hard is all this!?

Hang in there and I'll check in, good luck buttercup. 

[Guest_9466]

Dear AGrace, LML,

 Firstly, LML, forgive me for butting into your conversation. However, I found the infirmation that AGrace has shared here about medication and care under GP helpful so I am glad to read this. 

Thank you 

MG

[LML]

Hey all

This is everyones conversation- I have learned so much from others stories & am very grateful. Hubby still in full on blame mode & everything I want is a demand so he has still cut all contact & only talks to me via email or txt about bills that we can't pay, we  are not set up for him to be out of the house & silent. Joint counselling this week.

[AGrace]

Hi LML & Others,

Firstly thanks to everyone for your kind words regarding my reply. This is one of the reasons why sometimes it can be more helpful to join in on someone else's discussion prior to posting your own thread. Often there are just the answers you were looking for in someone else's post, and it's a great way to be able to share around some of our ideas:)

LML - Good luck with the joint session. Don't forget the view of the Psychologist is more subjective, they're not there to take sides with just one person's opinion. I must say though that communication via emails only shows a rather immature side to your husband if he really thinks he's not suffering from a mental illness. The wonderful thing is that once he gets some help he WILL look back at some of his actions and wonder how you coped with his behaviour for so long. Hang in there, he really does need some support.

AGrace