Living with my depressed fiancé

[peach84]

I have been with my fiancé for 3 and a half years now, and we only recently got engaged. He has suffered depression since before we met, and it has always caused problems between us from the start.

My fiancé when he is happy is my perfect guy, I love him and we have so much fun together. But for me it's like walking on egg shells, we can be happy and having a laugh and if I say one thing wrong it throws him into a foul mood and i watch him spiral into someone that I don't even recognise… the things he says to me and the way he acts rips my heart out and can often scare me. All I can describe it being like, is like being stuck living with your worst enemy, living with someone that despises you so much that they will use every word and accusation they can think of to bring you down.

I am trying to be strong for him, because I know it's the illness that makes him lose control, but I am almost out of strength to deal with the mood swings, the things he says to me stick in my head, and it's hard to shake it off and pretend I'm not hurt when he returns to himself and acts like nothing is wrong, and never apologises. 

He is on medication but he refuses to go see a counsellor. I don't think I can go through with the marriage if he won't at least try to help our relationship by seeing someone with me.

Does anyone have any tips on how to get him to WANT to seek help?

[Struggler]

Hi peach84

Having depression is no excuse to treat your loved ones shabbily.  Nobody has the right to abuse children just because he was abused himself as a child.  A man cannot be forgiven for beating his wife just because he was beaten up while growing up.

If he is already abusing you now, what do you think he will be like after you have got married?  You would not like your children to witness the abuse either.  He needs to help himself and get counselling together with medication to get his depression manageable.  

If you have doubt already, why not postpone the wedding and help him work out his issues first.  You also have to looking after your own needs and well being.  Remember you cannot change someone.  So often women marrying men hoping to change them and disaster follows.

Struggler

[AGrace]

Hi peach,

I think caring for someone with a mental illness is right up their with raising a child in terms of challenges. You need to give yourself credit for what you've endured so far, however you also need to know that verbal abuse is not ok. If your partner is not willing to seek help, there's a point when the illness isn't to blame for his actions but rather his lack of will to help himself. 

Have you had a look at the Beyondblue resources? Under this tab there is a menu option for family and friends. Its a great resource for caring for someone with a mental illness,  and there is also a brochure you can download that includes tips on when and how to approach. You could have a look at the brochure and if you have any unanswered questions I'd recommend calling the Beyondblue call line.

Let us know how things go. We are always here to listen and share experiences. 

AGrace