My boyfriend is depressed and bulimic

El2912 · ‎26-06-2014

My boyfriend is depressed and has been so for a while now. He also has an eating disorder which only myself and his mother know about. She doesnt seem to take it too seriously, I suspect it's out of denial and she chooses to be ignorant to how bad it actually is. Every time I try to explain to him the consequences of this and how it is impacting his body, he gets extremely angry and feels it's not my right to give him advice on something I dont directly understand. I cant tell my friends or family, I feel as though I'm guilty by letting it exist without actively doing anything - but then my hands are tied due his reluctance for help.

He gets in such down and depressive moods, really mopey, whiny and almost as though he has not one ounce of testosterone in his body. He has also become very paranoid and fears death constantly. He rarely gets out and about with his friends like an average 22 year old would do and literally locks himself in a room while he binges on sweets and sits in a depressive state. I feel like I'm his mother at times, he becomes so sexually unattractive to me during these times as he reverts back to being so child like and needy. I love him so much, but sometimes its so difficult to keep the relationship going when he gets into these moods. He wont do anything for himself and I come home to a mess that I have to clean after work in addition to his other mental health issues. I feel as though I'd be a terrible person for leaving, however I see my life ticking away and I dont know if it's a dead end situation for me. I want to help him, but I dont know if I can. I feel helpless and not sure what to do.

white knight · ‎27-06-2014

Hi El,

His eating disorder sounds like an addiction and like all addictions he would feel defensive and hopeless inside it. So you are attacked for even going anywhere near the subject. Talking to his mum about it....well mums dont want to see the problems with their sons sometimes.

I suggest you exhaust all avenues before you make a decision. Dr's and their referrals, google all the symptoms and print them out and ask him to do some reading is likely better than 'telling him'. Try to somehow highlight that he has an issue he has to address.

If all else fails and your own health is being effected then you might have to tell him that your life is also important and you have to move on. This could snap him into action. There is only a certain amount of help you can give. The rest is up to them.

AGrace · ‎28-06-2014

Hi El,

Welcome to Beyondblue. Thanks for sharing your story and for caring enough to seek some support in how to help your boyfriend.

Eating disorders are often the mask of an underlying issue and are often the result of someone wanting to gain a sense of control in an environment where that person feels like they've lost control of so many other aspects of life. It can be challenging to watch someone you love make the choice to use self destructive coping strategies in order to deal with their problems. Having said this I learnt all too young in life that you can only help those who want to be helped. Im not saying to give up immediately however if walking away ends up being your choice there are plenty of people who would understand.

Not to deter you from using the support services of Beyondblue, because all the help you can get is valuable, I just wondered whether you have visited the butterfly foundations website? They deal specifically with eating disorders and offer a range of resources, a support line, and an email option for those impacted by eating disorders. They even have a fact sheet you can download that gives advice on how to approach someone with an eating disorder. They can be found at thebutterflyfoundation.org.au or their contact number is 1800 ED HOPE.

If you dont find the information you need or you have further concerns please contact the Beyondblue call line and they will be able to offer further information to steer you in the right direction. In the meantime I hope you will find continuing to post here useful.

AGrace

El2912 · ‎29-06-2014

Thank you both for your feedback. It feels good just to get this off my chest, because it's something that I feel like I have to hide as well. Given that it's not my choice to do so, it makes it difficult at times. What you said about it being a result of someone wanting to gain a sense of control in an environment where they feel they've lost control - that's very very true! He has had issues with his father as a child and doesn't have a good relationship with him now, his mother has sheltered him and I think she has put a lot of her anxiety onto him too. I think he feels so consumed by these things that he needs to gain control elsewhere. He always has a lot of hobbies and tends to jump around from one to the next in a short amount of time. I suspect this has something to do with the control that he needs to gain from it. He is studying at the moment and doesn't work, so I think all of this spare time is getting to him and enabling his thoughts to fester.

I didn't realise that there was a foundation that dealt specifically with these disorders, I'll have a look now and do some research. I really want to help him and he's so great whenever I have my own issues. So rational, logical and supportive. Yet he flips and becomes this mess of a person whenever he goes into one of his depressive like states. It's so hard living with a depressed person and I think it's something that not everyone can understand. I can't really confide in anyone, so this has been great in terms of getting that recognition and response to how I'm feeling and the position I'm in at the moment.

AGrace · ‎30-06-2014

Hi E,

Im glad to hear you got some relief from posting here, even if just to let out the secret that you have to hold onto at other times. I hope the resources were helpful.

We are here for you too, being a carer is truly inspiring, just make sure you look after you too.

You sound like such a remarkable girlfriend and friend.

AGrace