Letting go for your own sake -how do you put yourself first for once ?

[thenotebook]

I supported my ex husband for 15 years with his duel diagnoses mental health issues. I finally left due to the fact his addiction was stronger than his desire to be well despite years of rehabs and hospital stays. My business was suffering and he was spending everything I had so I had to get money to pay bills from my parents. Suicide threats and possible manipulation kept me staying 5 years longer than I should have. Two years later I let him stay with me for a week so he could start a new job. Now a year later he has lost the job, not worked, refused to leave my house because he has nowhere to go, broken up my relationship, I’ve not had friends at my home, I’m isolated and lonely. He sleeps in his car outside my home for a few hours then knocks on the door, I have pleaded with him to give me space, told him I need someone to help with the bills and rent. I get suicide threats and my house is a prison to me. He keeps promising me money that never comes. He doesn't see it’s effecting my mental health, won’t give me even a night in my own home. He has nowhere to go, parents no help. We sat a spoke that I needed to pay an amount of money by a date so I wouldn’t lose my home. He let me down 6 hours before it was due. This was my last chance to pay. I care for him but he has cost me absolutely everything, I hate to cut him out and I worry and feel guilty so I don’t. Now I have lost my business my home, yelling at him so distressed with my future unsure I don’t have anything left for myself let alone him. The stress brings on psychotic episodes, on top of this, I’m expected to keep looking after him. I feel he sees it that his life is more important than mine and I don’t know what to do. I’m at breaking point myself, I love him but how do i remove him from my life for a while ?  I don’t know what to do anymore for him. My life feels like it’s been kidnapped and I’m the only one not getting anything, in fact I’m loosing everything and he refuses to detach from me.

1. im scared he will end up on the streets or harm himself - I can’t sacrifice my life anymore for him but how do you cope with the guilt? Any suggestions, anything that has helped anyone dealing with a similar situation? I’m at a point where I just can’t help anymore and I’m really in a mess financially - I just want to move forward before it’s to late but I need some help for him and some space to fix me.He is unable to work apparently due to his issues. Am I selfish for wanting my life, my freedom and my own mental health healthy? I need to break the chain- everyone has said “I told you so” so I don’t have my friends to lean on. I know this has to be a common situation, how did you deal with it ? 

[mmMekitty]

Hello thenotebook & welcome to the forums.

I need to say I haven't been in such a situation as you describe. It' sounds horrendous to me.

Letting go of a relationship, even when it has become as difficult as this is for you, won't be easy either. & it won't be helped by wanting money or anything from him while you also want to move on & rebuild yourself & your own life.

Being in a relationship does not mean you are responsible for them - for the care of children, yes, but not the spouse. Being divorced, you can underline that fact - you are not responsible for any of his needs.

If he is at risk of self-harm or suicide, then there are some steps you can take to get him the help he needs. I don't want to give you incorrect info, so please call BB counsellors who can better help with what to do when he makes threats.

I think, what he's doing is leaning heavily on your emotions, using how you feel to manipulate you & still be able to be in your life, & literally, in your home. If his addiction is behind this, he'll say & do anything to get what he craves. Use you in the process, no worries, he'll do that.

I think, when he comes around your home,uninvited, & that is a concern to you, you don't have to put up with that. You are entitled to call the police & have them deal with him.

I think, for your sake, you nee to be clear, &  no longer talk to him about money, or paying you back, (how likely is it anyway that he will?), because that is like leaving the door open a crack so he can get himself back into your life, doing everything all over again.

His addictions & his mental health are his responsibilities

Your own mental health is your responsibility. I would encourage you to talk to your GP & see about seeing a therapist who can help you with stress & the conflicts you feel, wanting to let go vs still caring for him & fearing for him & his safety.

You are welcome to talk here as well as to the BB counsellors, or via BB's Online Chat. See the bottom of this page.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Richju]

thenotebook

Hi there, 

No, I don't think you should feel guilty for wanting your life. Where does all this guilt come from? It seems you have given enough and had nothing in return. Everyone has a right to a life but I believe that we can't live another's life for them.

I dated a man for eighteen months before I discovered he was an alcoholic. We split up then went back together and he moved in. Bad mistake. Although I knew that he tried hard to quit alcohol, I was renting at the time and worried myself sick that he would get drunk and start talking to the neighbours No one likes to have someone breathing over them when they've been drinking.

This was highly stressful for me and when he took a short holiday down south and missed his return flight because he'd been drinking, I began to ask myself 'Is this what I want?'

Yes, I did love him and feel sorry for him and he used that pity to manipulate me into believing that he couldn't help drinking because his father was an alcoholic.

When he finally returned from his holiday, I asked him to leave. He tried everything to make me change my mind but I insisted and he moved into a homeless shelter, before he was given a government flat. I kept in contact with him for a while but he did not improve and tried his best to increase my guilt.

Alcoholics Annonymous might be of help to you and you can access free counselling at DrugARM but please give up the idea that you need to support this person at the expense of your own wellbeing. You have every right to live as you wish.

With all good wishes,

Richju

[therising]

Hi thenotebook

You sound like such a deeply caring, considerate and compassionate person, someone who feels so much for others and their suffering. Such a beautiful nature can be so incredibly hard to manage at times. Few would think there is a down side to such a nature, yet there is and my heart goes out to you while you experience the down side in such painful ways. It is so unfair. What's also unfair is that your friends have left you to feel the hardest part of this experience alone. No one should have to go through what you're going through alone. I'm glad you came here to meet those who can offer heartfelt support, which is what you deserve (for you are someone who gives heartfelt support to others).

Guilt is an interesting thing. I think how we define 'guilt' determines how we feel it. In a traditional sense, where guilt is said to tell us how horrible we've been or what we've done wrong, that definition of guilt and the feelings behind it just don't serve us in some cases. I know, for myself, this sense of guilt can be depressing and torturous. As a 53yo gal, it's only in the last 5 years or so that I've gradually come to redefine guilt, for the sake of my mental health. For me, guilt has come to represent a 'fork in the road' moment or a 'signpost' moment. With guilt having become something I trust in, I know that when it surfaces it's asking me to 1)become more conscious than ever before and 2)make a decision when it comes to which path I'm going to choose. It asks in a way 'Who do you need to be?' and demands 'Choose a path'. While I may want to be kind, caring and compassionate, I may need to be hard, unwavering and self loving or self serving. Guilt comes with hard choices.

With you having lost so much in life and with you being such a kind and caring person, you have an incredibly hard choice to make. Do you choose the path of service to another or the path of service to your self? While he refuses to serve you in any way that will help you re-establish your life and mental health, it sounds like you have no choice but to choose the path of self service. Such a path does not define you as unloving, uncaring and lacking in compassion, it defines you as someone who is self loving, self caring and self compassionate and this may be exactly who you need to be at this time in your life. This can be such an incredibly hard path to choose. As others have suggested, there is nothing wrong with giving him resources to access that don't involve you. You could even say it is a caring thing to do, giving him resources. While you leave him to choose one or more of those resources, they remain among his choices at his fork in the road.

❤️