Is my son depressed ?

[yvonneg]

Hi everyone. I am so thankful that I found this forum. Im feeling really helpless and heartbroken for my son right now. He has been acting really so lately. Really withdrawn and lost in his thoughts and I dont know how to fix it. 

He's usually really happy go lucky, laughing and always wanting to go places, but in the last couple weeks, the last 2 days especially I see a difference in him. i catch him just standing looking at a blank tv with a snifly nose and watery eyes. When I ask him whats wrong or if he's okay, he sort of like shakes his head like as to snap himself out of his mood and then says simple quick responses like huh, im fine or what are you talking about. 

Today I went to work and was really worried about leaving him home alone because yesterday is the first time ive actually seen him just standing in such deep thought for so long. I would find him in all parts of the house lost in thought. Usually when I call him from work he picks up sounding like himself doing productive things around the house or job hunting online  but today I tried calling and texting with no response. I decided to drive home to check on him and I can tell he was in the same mood. There were absolutely no tv's on, no noise in the house and he looked really tired. he said he ate today but i can tell he didnt. I started picking up around the house and would find him doing his standing in random places in deep thought thing again. 

Is this normal depressed behavior ? Why do people get this way all of a sudden? Hes not a kid anymore. He's 23 years old but this is definitely not in his charachter. I want to help him so bad but he wont talk to me. he's not mean or anything about it, but its like he doesnt even want to comprehend what im asking him or maybe cant express the way he feels because he gives 1 word answers like yes or no and kind of brushes it off and will say something totally random to change the subject.

I have been as gentle as I can with him in letting him know that im here for him if he wants to talk to me about anything and letting him know that he is never alone but he just looks at me and says he's fine then rubs his head and goes back to doing his standing and thinking again. 

Does he want to be alone or does he want me to comfort him in some way? I am so confused and seriously heartbroken of the dramatic change in my son. 

[white knight]

Hi yvonneg, welcome to beyond blue forums

I'm at a loss with this problem because it could be any number of possibles. From my knowledge (and we are not professionals) everyone acts differently with depression. He could well be in deep depression over his job status, partner status etc.

I am hesitating suggesting this, please dont take offence. Could he be taking drugs? Do you know all of his spare time details?

Currently young people are under more stress than ever. He certainly needs you and your support at this time regardless of his age or his one word responses. If there is any way you can get him to a Doctor I'd try that.

 Take care and we are here to listen.

Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Yvonneg, thanks for posting your comment, but there is a great deal of concern for your son, and what Tony has said could be the cause, so please don't be upset by us saying this because we are just thinking aloud, and have to look at all the options.

What he is doing is not right and there is something which I am really worried about, but before I mention this can I ask you a couple of questions, and only answer if you want to: is he working, studying or perhaps lost a partner, because any of these could be causing his actions and definitely showing signs of depression.

There is no real answer to your question why do people do this all of a sudden, because everyone is completely different, but I tend to think so.

So are you able to get him to a doctor for a proper diagnosis who will probably prescribe medication, but what worries me and I'm sorry to say this to you, but it's a site where we all try and help someone with depression, but if he has any thoughts of taking his life, which I have a feeling that you may have also been worried about by going home and checking on him.

We hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

[yvonneg]

I guess I should have given more back ground on him and no worries about the comments. I thought the same thing at first because hes not exactly an angel so has experienced his share of trouble in the past. He actually just got out of jail about a month and half ago after doing 9 months for a probation violation. Hes been to jail a few times already but is a really tough kid so those times he went to jail, he was living wrecklessly at home so in my mind i felt relief when he was in jail because atleast I knew where he was every night and because i knew he was alive and could take care of himself in there. I know its sad to wish your son in jail, but I think its honestly saved his life on atleast 2 occasions. He's grown now but still slips up every now and again for small things, but with being on probation, he gets no slack. Anyway, this last time he went to jail, i went down to see him and was told that he cant have visits because his whole dorm was in the hole for a month for fighting. Hes never been in the hole so i worried about him being able to keep his mind busy for that long. Once he got out of the hole, his bunk mate wrote me and said he had changed. He said he's not right and worried about him. Well my son got out 2 weeks later and i saw what he meant. He was so thin, with dark circles under his eyes and was not his happy self. He seemed really awkward and uncomfortable in his own skin. He slowly started coming back to normal but not completely. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere hes acting worse then when he got out of jail. He went on his first interview about a week ago and got the job. We were so excited for him. His first day was to be this Monday but he started withdrawing again on Sunday the night before. Monday morning came around and i couldnt even get him to focus on the directions to the job site. He walks in the house 2 hours later devastated saying they sent him home but wouldnt go into detail. I can only imagine that they felt his mood. Last night he sat at the kitchen table staring at the wall until midnight when i finally forced him to go to bed. I checked on him again today during lunch and was so thankful to see that he was a little better. He had the tv on and was actually talking to me in sentences. He's in the other room with my younger son right now laughing and having fun and im sitting here so confused because for the last few days, his sadness has somehow made me depressed not being able to help him. 

[white knight]

Hi yvonneg,  thankyou for replying with critical information.

I was a prison officer in the notorious Pentridge jail between 1977 and 1980. So I can disagree with you in terms of him "could take care of himself in there", not so. He would be mixing with the worst in society, being threatened, emotional game playing,  risk of rape etc.  It isnt like he is in a cell all day in relative safety. He would have to mingle, tread a fine line to being a little talkative but not too much so or he'd be under threat.

I believe from that note you got from his cellmate that something happened in jail and he is trying to come to terms with it. I also believe that his behaviour since being home is so reflective of trauma that a/ he isnt ready to get work b/ he needs a lot of time adjusting c/ is in desperate need of counselling by the right person and d/ careful care from yourself.

By what I mean "careful care", he has endured a lot, he is fragile, he loves you and needs you but doesnt want to share his experience. You need to also tread a razors edge to be the best or ideal mother /friend you can be. To do this you need to perhaps (I'm guessing because I dont know him) wait for the right moments when he wants to open up. Forget about your own desperation and impatience. Being there and providing a home is the best thing ATM. Other ideas include-

Trips to nice relaxing places like the beach or mountains maybe a short hike to waterfalls. These places are the opposite to a jail cell. He might realise how great life can be.

That's about it for now.

Take care.  We are listening good mum yvonne

[geoff]

dear Yvonneg, thanks for getting back to us.

Tony would know far more than I would ever know in regards to this.

What I can say is that you have a great deal on your hands with constant worry  expecting anything could happen.

I hope that you can reply back to us, because this site is somewhere that you can trust us all. L Geoff. x

[yvonneg]

I agree with it not being safe in jail. At the time though, it was the lesser evil 

He's been in 3 times now. The first 2 times, he got out normal and happy to be home. This time after the hole, i dont know what happened. Today he is still better than he was 2 days ago but still reserved. Now sitting in front of the tv for long periods of time. I can tell he's not paying attention to it. Seems like he's looking right through it. Atleast he has life in his eyes when he looks at me where just the other day he was so dead in the eyes. I like the part about getting him out to relaxing places. Its a little hard here with the time change. By the time I get out of work at 5, its dark outside. I did try to take him to the batting cages today to get him moving and he said yes, but then thought about it for a bit and said he didnt feel like it. We'll try again tomorrow. 

I have next week off so planning to get him to the drs as soon as possible. Yesterday when I came to check on him, he told me that he was glad I came. He said he felt like a zombie and I snapped him out of it. Today i couldnt come home. Meetings at work all day, but when I called he sounded decent. We did have a conversation lastnight about being in jail. He mentioned a therapist. Iasked why he was seeing one and he said because they noticed he looked depressed. I asked if he was on any meds and he said no because in jail if you live on the south side outside, you have to go by the south side inmate rules and they are against any medications so he just met with a therapist a few times before he got out to talk about his moods. I asked if he thought it helped him and if he would like to try seeing one again, but he was over this conversation by that point. Too much too soon I guess. 

[white knight]

Hi yvonneg,

The one thing that is blatantly clear at this point is you are doing everything right so please dont deter yourself from guilt or doubting yourself.

You are aware of how much he can take. Eventually he'll come round to a degree and want direction in life, in ways like job type, sport, activities like absailing or mountain bike riding....who knows but until he can climb slowing out of the dream like state he is in it is slow progress.

Some young people go off the rails and in your sons case he may well remember the time spent in jail all his life- it wont ever leave him. But like grief, his confidence to make it outside jail will improve over time.

One day he will show a sign....eagerness to visit a venue that takes his interest  eg say he is interested in fishing- he might like to visit the aquariums. Interested in Holden cars...he might like the Holden museum in Echuca. etc. You get my meaning. And your approach is correct in every detail, slow progress.  The more you have spoken here the more I think he would benefit from further medical care.

I wished all parents were like you.