Is it me?

[MelNZ]

My husband is suffering from depression but feels the root of the problem is the marriage. I feel angry that l have to deal with all his anger and break downs but l also have to shoulder the blame for him. He feels unloved and unappreciated so l do feel like it’s my fault

I worked this weekend but have to say l struggled emotionally as l feel there will be no end to this roller coaster we are on. It has been a nightmare for the whole family. While all his focus is on the marriage he seems to take no notice of what he can do to improve his mental health.

All the advice he has had from professionals just goes unheeded. He saw a psychiatrist on Friday that told him not to drink for two weeks and to exercise daily. He has been drinking since Friday and drank this evening because he said it was the only way to get any enjoyable from his miserable life.

Over the weekend he was in a great mood and wanted to start a fresh and forget about the past, just to spend the next few months working hard to sort out the relationship. He had spoken with his friend who felt they were small issues that could easily be worked out.

Today l called him at work and his voice broke up, he couldn’t speak and he hung up the phone. I talked with him this evening and he feels unloved, unappreciated and feels we have different values and beliefs. He says he doesn’t blame me but when l listen to how he feels all l hear is blame. He is feeling very low and is finding everything a struggle.

I’m not sure what to do any more if l am causing him so much pain would it be in his best interests to separate?

Before my husband started taking medication to manage his anxiety we had some extremely difficult times. Chairs went flying because a high electrical bill came in, he has had me by the throat on a few occasions. Medication made a big difference and l believe it helped save our marriage.

Over the last year medication seems to make no difference despite try different types and doses. He seems to go from a cheerful high when drinking on the weekend to a low, then something will happen which triggers an angry, paranoid almost psychotic event then crash a day or two of crying in a heap this is followed by a low period where he is at a point where he can work. Then he might be ok for a week or two until we go through it all again.

Im at a loss as to what to do anymore, we seem to have both lost trust in each other and are stuck in this terrible cycle that has completely taken over our lives.

[geoff]

Hello MelNZ, a warm welcome to you.

I'm sorry for what has been happening but can I ask if he has been diagnosed by his doctor, because being high then low indicates bipolar depression, although I'm not qualified to say.

People turn to alcohol believing it will help them, that's what I did, however, it's a depressive and too much will make him worse, that's why his psychiatrist has told him to stop for a couple of weeks, unfortunately, he hasn't.

You say trust has been lost and wonder whether couple's counselling would benefit you, sometimes it's good and sometimes it won't work if one of you are not responsive.

Being separated for awhile might be a good solution, but can I suggest you see your doctor and ask them to refer you onto a psychologist.

The worry is that your husband stops taking his medication and rely on the alcohol instead, I hope this doesn't happen, as it would cause us to be concerned.

There is a lot of depth in your comment and would like to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Obsessed]

I have been down this path. When I was a my lowest of lows I was known as an angry ant. This time frame was about 10-15 years. At times all i could see in my wife was a trouble maker telling me I am this or that which I would not accept because I thought I was the best guy and I am right and her opinion was never right in my opinion. I got angry and more angry to the point I thought the world was against me.I almost took my life. To my wife's credit and her strong love for me she organized the 10 subsidized visits to a psychologist at the GP's. I can tell you that I went to the GP screaming and kicking. I finally went to the psychologist and this was the turning point of my life. It was very difficult to accept what I became and then accepting that this the person I did not want to be and accepting what had happened to me in the passed and present.I worked with my psychologist to get to the were the problem is and then work to have strategies to help me through the day when I have triggers that can set me off.

I believe going cold turky off anything is the incorrect way to approach any situation it should be done on a gradual basis.

There is more than one psychologist I would suggest to shop around to find the one that suits your situation.

I hope this helps in a small way coming from a block who has been there.

Phil

[Possumcrazy]

Hi MelNZ

My husband suffers from depression and so much of what you have written I can relate too. My hubby has been working through this terrible disease since 2010. His worst was in 2014 where he convinced himself that his family and wife would be better off without him. He really believed that he wasn’t worth anything and that he was just causing us pain.

One of the things I have come to notice during these ups and downs is that he starts to focus on something particular, I think in your case your marriage, in my case it’s changing his career. He becomes quite frustrated about it and makes me feel like I should have the solution to the problem. It causes arguments and friction. He feels trapped. Sometimes I forget that he is not really trying to target me and blame me. He just doesn’t know how to solve the problem.

Unfortunately I don’t have the answer to fix the problems you are going through. I do know it’s important to look after yourself as well and find little ways to keep positive and don’t feel guilty about that! I also know that in my case being there for my partner, supporting him and not letting him push me away, just trying to show him I am there for him no matter what has got us through some pretty terrible times.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Keep talking to people, keep talking to your hubby, look after yourself.

Xx

[Winterfell]

Its just my experience and your situation may be very different but my husband took a long slow nose dive into a severe depression. One of the reasons I didn't find it obvious was that rather than being sad and low and crying he was angry, irritable and agitated. He still went to work but we were fighting a real lot, he was drinking most nights and more on weekends (often would seem a bit better on weekends but during the week really cranky again). Like Possum things got really bad for us (in 2016) when my husband didn't want to go on, he was on meds, seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist but nothing was working and he was so angry inside and full of despair, he believed we would be better off without him. This resulted in his first admission. We had just started seeing a relationship counsellor and thank goodness for that as she helped us so much through the adjustment. I would be trying to see a relationship counsellor, going to his psychiatrist with him and letting him know you want to help him through this.