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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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LeeA18 Alcohol reliance
  • replies: 9

My now ex-boyfriend has spiraled into depression and has admitted to me that he has been drinking a lot. He seems quite lost and, although I can’t fix him, I’d love to here ways that others have helped a love one stop drinking. He has pushed me away ... View more

My now ex-boyfriend has spiraled into depression and has admitted to me that he has been drinking a lot. He seems quite lost and, although I can’t fix him, I’d love to here ways that others have helped a love one stop drinking. He has pushed me away but we still talk via text and phone and he does listen to me. I am unsure of how much support he is getting as well.

supportiveother Centrelink Sickness Allowance
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I was just wondering if anyone else has had issues with their loved one applying for Centrelink. My partner suffers severe depression but at the moment also has a physical injury preventing him from working so he's applied for Sickness Allowa... View more

Hi all, I was just wondering if anyone else has had issues with their loved one applying for Centrelink. My partner suffers severe depression but at the moment also has a physical injury preventing him from working so he's applied for Sickness Allowance based on the injury and an upcoming surgery etc. However, its been five weeks since his application began and weeks since they received confirmation from his Employer that he is employed and he's been told multiple times that the application is processing but no one can give him a time frame. Without having any income he's struggling financially which puts a strain on myself because I do help him out but also because I can see how much its affecting his mental health that he has to rely on other people for food etc. I guess my question is if anyone else had to deal with this and how long it took your loved one to start receiving payments etc. Thanks, M x

Domino96 My girlfriend with depression felt she had to break up with me to get better
  • replies: 2

So as the title suggests, my girlfriend who is 18 and I am 22, broke up with me. I know she had depression and anxiety and history of suicidal thoughts in her past. We dated for around 6months but in that time we have had great moments, but also upse... View more

So as the title suggests, my girlfriend who is 18 and I am 22, broke up with me. I know she had depression and anxiety and history of suicidal thoughts in her past. We dated for around 6months but in that time we have had great moments, but also upsetting moments. Early on, she was an alcoholic and constantly felt she had to drink to stop feeling the emotions she felt while upset. She recently found out she has Celiac disease and had to stop drinking to feel better. But during our past she tried breaking up with me while drunk because she felt I was too good for her, that I cared too much for her. I stuck around and showed her how much I cared for her. She felt so happy and constantly showed her love for me and said things like "You have my heart". But I noticed if I wasn't there for her she would give me a cold shoulder. But some days later she would apologise and say she wants to work on these things so she can be better for me. Fast forward to now, she had a lot going on. She found out her grandpa had cancer and was dying and she also had to change her diet due to no gluten but also found out she couldn't have dairy either. She went away for the funeral and asked for some days space. We had an argument the night before she left, I never meant for it to happen but it did. She felt like she couldn't depend on me because I let her down by not telling my room mate I wanted the TV so I could watch TV with her. During that weekend I tried to give her space (I know I need to work on this) and I sent her some messages to let her know I was here but I also just did everything wrong and unintentionally hurt her and she felt so hurt about it. She told me the funeral wasn't the worst thing that weekend but was me. She came back and we talked and she felt it was best if we broke up so she can work on controlling her emotions and being able to think clearer. I tried to tell her we didnt have to break up for her to get better but she felt that was the only option and said we should try being friends for a month or two and maybe try again. I agreed on this and tried being her friend but she felt like we couldnt be just friends after a couple days of trying and needs space of maybe a few weeks or a month or two. But still says she loves me. I want to give her space but I now understand that depression might be controlling this. What can I do? I dont think I can not talk to her for so long. I want her back but I want her to talk to me now and not in a month.

EdenH Husband suffers from depression but wont seek help
  • replies: 10

Hi guys, I've joined this site to get some insights/advice from people who have been in my situation o n both sides of the coin. I'm 34 and have been married for 18 months and been with my husband for 2.5 years. We have a 9 month old daughter. We're ... View more

Hi guys, I've joined this site to get some insights/advice from people who have been in my situation o n both sides of the coin. I'm 34 and have been married for 18 months and been with my husband for 2.5 years. We have a 9 month old daughter. We're both from the UK so have no close family to reply on. My husband suffers from depression which up until now I have been able to deal with. Now we have a child I am finding it harder and harder to keep it together and put up with a husband that has seemingly checked out of the life we are creating. He has no enthusiasm or motivation to do anything. Isn't interested in me sexually let alone holding a decent conversation. I've noticed that lately he has taken a turn for the worse. He's not been himself for a while now and it's causinhg me to be miserable. I try to make things as nice and happy as I can at home and take on the load, he works late and gets stressed with work, ends up not seeing our child at all and falls asleep on the couch. He is also always tired and I've given up suggesting going to bed early and not falling asleep on the couch. I know he is struggling as he told me but I am too and I've reached my limit. I've had enough. I'm feeling crap myself, and like I'm doing everything for the family. My husband has been medicated before I knew him but came off them as he said they made him 'numb'. He's also spoken to someone a long time ago but again says it was a waste of time and money. I have suggested speaking to someone about it but he's not interested. He said that with exercise and sleep he'll be good again. I know these things will help but they wont address the underlying issue. We do the same dance every 6-9 months and I've had enough of it. I'm willing to go to counselling but he just wont. I'm rambling and if you've made it this far well done to you! I just really need some advice on how to deal with this as I feel my health is being compromised and I cannot allow that to happen, especially now I have my child to think about. I'm seeing a counsellor next week (alone). If anything at least I can get some coping strategies, but to be honest, if things don't improve then I will leave and I have told him this. Thanks for any advice x

Mone To medicate my child or not?
  • replies: 2

My 7yr old daughter is very anxious and its affecting her schooling, sports and social interactions. She is being treated for adhd and the medication for that has made her much more anxious. Our peaditrician and dr want to put her on medication and I... View more

My 7yr old daughter is very anxious and its affecting her schooling, sports and social interactions. She is being treated for adhd and the medication for that has made her much more anxious. Our peaditrician and dr want to put her on medication and I am hesitant as she is already on tablets for the adhd and I'm worried it will be hard to get them off her in yrs to come. Has anyone had a positive experience with either medication or natural therapy I'm booking her in to see a naturopath. Please help

ozdi Just need to talk and get some advice
  • replies: 4

Hope this is not going to get too heavy but I really need someone to talk to today. Our son is dealing with Social anxiety and depression but I have also noticed he has severe anger issues when things go wrong. Today he had his first job interview in... View more

Hope this is not going to get too heavy but I really need someone to talk to today. Our son is dealing with Social anxiety and depression but I have also noticed he has severe anger issues when things go wrong. Today he had his first job interview in a long time and rang to confirm the details and the workplace knew nothing about it, this caused his stress levels to rise and then I said the wrong thing by saying that maybe he was putting road blocks in the way to going to the interview, well all hell broke loose after that. He smashed things, punched things, head butted things and also said some hurtful things to me. Then I had to prevent him from harming himself. Is this level of anger normal with social anxiety/depression or could there be something more to this. Really need some advice as somewhere in there I know my son still exists if you understand what I mean. We understand that the things he says and does are not meant to be personal but how do you all cope and what can I do when he gets this angry.

MelNZ Is it me?
  • replies: 4

My husband is suffering from depression but feels the root of the problem is the marriage. I feel angry that l have to deal with all his anger and break downs but l also have to shoulder the blame for him. He feels unloved and unappreciated so l do f... View more

My husband is suffering from depression but feels the root of the problem is the marriage. I feel angry that l have to deal with all his anger and break downs but l also have to shoulder the blame for him. He feels unloved and unappreciated so l do feel like it’s my fault I worked this weekend but have to say l struggled emotionally as l feel there will be no end to this roller coaster we are on. It has been a nightmare for the whole family. While all his focus is on the marriage he seems to take no notice of what he can do to improve his mental health. All the advice he has had from professionals just goes unheeded. He saw a psychiatrist on Friday that told him not to drink for two weeks and to exercise daily. He has been drinking since Friday and drank this evening because he said it was the only way to get any enjoyable from his miserable life. Over the weekend he was in a great mood and wanted to start a fresh and forget about the past, just to spend the next few months working hard to sort out the relationship. He had spoken with his friend who felt they were small issues that could easily be worked out. Today l called him at work and his voice broke up, he couldn’t speak and he hung up the phone. I talked with him this evening and he feels unloved, unappreciated and feels we have different values and beliefs. He says he doesn’t blame me but when l listen to how he feels all l hear is blame. He is feeling very low and is finding everything a struggle. I’m not sure what to do any more if l am causing him so much pain would it be in his best interests to separate? Before my husband started taking medication to manage his anxiety we had some extremely difficult times. Chairs went flying because a high electrical bill came in, he has had me by the throat on a few occasions. Medication made a big difference and l believe it helped save our marriage. Over the last year medication seems to make no difference despite try different types and doses. He seems to go from a cheerful high when drinking on the weekend to a low, then something will happen which triggers an angry, paranoid almost psychotic event then crash a day or two of crying in a heap this is followed by a low period where he is at a point where he can work. Then he might be ok for a week or two until we go through it all again. Im at a loss as to what to do anymore, we seem to have both lost trust in each other and are stuck in this terrible cycle that has completely taken over our lives.

LennieP Partner of a amazing guy who suffers depression
  • replies: 4

Hello everyone I’m lennie and I’m completely new to this.I have been seeing my wonderful partner for over 2 yrs now and he suffers from depression.I on the other hand do not no much about it at all.I spend a lot of time reading books about depression... View more

Hello everyone I’m lennie and I’m completely new to this.I have been seeing my wonderful partner for over 2 yrs now and he suffers from depression.I on the other hand do not no much about it at all.I spend a lot of time reading books about depression,looking information up on the internet doing my best to understand what he is feeling.im hopeing someone on here may be able to help support me through trying to learn all I can to better support my wonderful man.

jela0612 My husband says he's depressed, but won't get help.
  • replies: 3

Hello, I'm hoping someone can help me here. My husband and I have been married for only 18 months, but in the last few months his behaviour has changed dramatically. He hates his job (not actually what he does but just the pressure of it and the cult... View more

Hello, I'm hoping someone can help me here. My husband and I have been married for only 18 months, but in the last few months his behaviour has changed dramatically. He hates his job (not actually what he does but just the pressure of it and the culture) and says he is stressed about his weight and money. I am a very emotional person so as soon as he is feeling down I react. We recently spent an entire weekend of me trying to get him to talk to me, him refusing to, me telling him how much I loved him and wanted him to love me back, him not responding, me crying uncontrollably. And just repeating that. I don't know what to do! I haven't talked to anyone about this, so far have covered it up from both our families. He went on some anti depressants a few months ago and he says they ruined his job because they made him too relaxed and not focused. He refuses to talk to anyone, and he won't even talk to me because he believes talking doesn't do anything to help. When we're both very frustrated he says things to me that make me feel even more that he doesn't love me the way I love him. I try to push them aside because more than anything I just want us to be happy and how we were before and I apologise for overreacting and ask if we can just make up - this used to work but now it doesn't because he says he knows it'll just happen again. I just want him to feel something for me! I am trying to forgive all the negative things I'm feeling and I want to just be there and be a support to him and help him but he's just shutting everyone out, mostly me. What do I do? I know if I try to bring up real issues he just goes into self destruction and says he knows he's a failure and doesn't need me to tell him, but when I try to be supportive and just caring he says he's not a baby and doesn't need to be handled like one. His way of coping is by getting very angry but my way is by crying, but my crying aggravates him SO much - he cannot stand it. I'm so worried for us, for him - he's told me he's suicidal. This is not who he is, he's a funny, motivated, driven, very intelligent guy and it's just a combination of his job, finances and weight (he's not even overweight - just a fitness fanatic) that has led him to be like this. Does this sound like depression? Or is it just a really stressful period? What's the best thing I can do for him? Because I've told him that I care and that's why I'm so emotional but he doesn't believe I really care which breaks my heart.

Winterfell Rollercoaster
  • replies: 17

Almost a year to the day of his first admission my husband is back in hospital. He has relapsed quite badly despite being on lots of medication and under good care from psychs and doctors. He was improving but it seems like they change his meds he ge... View more

Almost a year to the day of his first admission my husband is back in hospital. He has relapsed quite badly despite being on lots of medication and under good care from psychs and doctors. He was improving but it seems like they change his meds he gets a lift and two months later starts to fade. He is very low right now and they are considering treatment resistant approaches. I was floored initially as we were thinking about graded return to work just a month ago as he was doing so well. He has been off work for a year but a great help to me around the house doing the job of a stay at home dad and doing all the kids after school activities as well as laundry, pets, gardens, bins, shopping etc. Now he is back in the clinic its solo parent time again for me. Its a big adjustment for me - trying to get the kids to lessons and classes, working two jobs, looking after the dog and chickens (I wont even go near the beehives!) trying to be hopeful for him that they might hit on a treatment that works, and generally running myself ragged!! My kids have something almost every day after school and sometimes multiple runs are required - I drop one somewhere then the other somewhere then pick up the first boy then back for the second. I have started my weekly plan again - its a good way for me to make sure I am scheduling some down time. I am just posting again here as writing things down is also a helpful strategy for me. I am blessed with family support and good friends but sometimes depression just sucks and I like coming to a place where I know others are struggling too. I hate people pitying me for whats happened, it just is. The depression has caused a huge upheaval to our lives, I dont know if my husband will ever be able to work again but there are more important things in life than money and work.