Is depression a life sentence?

[Sundari]

My husband has been living with depression for many years however I wasn't privy to this prior to marrying him 2 years ago. He lost his mother and then found out he was infertile. These things combined has really affected him. I've been keeping a diary and he seems to be currently fine for 3 weeks and then down again which can last from 1-2 days through to currently at 10. During this time, I try hard to understand it's depression, however it always ends up with really awful arguments. I've tried time after time to get him to see a doctor, counseling or talk to other people, however he is constantly telling me he can deal with it. He's tried medication before (before we met) and that made him feel zombie like.

He constantly tells me I do not understand depression and tells me I don't want too..... I have all the literature from BB and have read so many posts however I just feel helpless. He tells me it will be with him forever. However, I was under the impression it doesn't have to always be with you. As he won't try medication or counseling I feel like it's never going to get any better. If you always do what you've always done, you always get what you've always got - am I right? 

I feel like I am losing my patience, my ability to not react is much weaker and my anger and frustration raises so much faster. I just want my husband back. I want him to do as much as he can to help himself get better.

If you have any help or advice I'd welcome it.

Frustrated, Anxious, Stressed, Helpless - are all words to describe how I feel about his situation.

[white knight]

Hi Sunari, welcome to Beyond Blue forum

Thankyou firstly for reading our threads. You ahve indeed gained so much information already.

You can read my thread  "Success 54 years of hell, now 5 years  of contentment" under Recovery and staying well.  Yes, it isnt an easyroad to recovery. Your husband hasnt any hope of tackling his demons on his own- simple answer there. He isnt realistic and his stubborness can end up costing your both heavily- I hope I'm wrong.

I was diggedly determined to find a life of relative happiness regardless of have 4 illnesses- depression, dysthymia (another type of depression), anxiety and bipolar 2. My cycle was after 8 weeks my cycle would go for 10 days. Now I have one bad day every now and then often only lasting for a couple of hours. Coming out of my very short cycle is much easier for me now.

But I stress. When I got my second diagnosis my road to recovery got a boost because those 4 illnesses were spot on whereas the original diagnossis (bipolar and ADHD) was totally incorrect and the meds for that were taken for 6 years- it was hell.

There are other threads here on carers. I wrote one "Caring for the carer" It means that sufferers have some basic and not to demanding responsibilities towards their carers. Your husband is not living up to those basic responsibilities ans we hear about this often and it is- unacceptable. Sufferers are on medication and attend therapy because they cannot fix it themselves. I have little faith that your husbands comment that he can do so is genuine. He just doesnt want to face the effort.

You've read many threads here. Maybe ask him to read some also. If he doesnt then you have your answer. Because in my view taking steps towards seeking help is directly parallel to love for you.

Your priority is to care for yourself now.

Take care    Tony WK

[HA1]

Hi Sundari

Welcome to BB & thank you for posting this very important question. My view is that depression, unlike many other illnesses, tends to stay with you.  However, I think that someone who suffers from depression will get better, but only by managing the illness.  As with a diabetic who manages their illness with insulin, someone with depression manages their illness with a combination of medication, change in lifestyle, and by adopting more healthy thought processes. Psychiatrist and GP will assist with medication and clinical diagnosis, the psychologist will assist with therapy to get to the core of the issues.  The sufferer himself is responsible for changing lifestyle, including acceptance and self-help responsibilities.

In short, yes in most cases it will stay with you, but that does not imply a life sentence of depression.  If it is managed well, we all hope that it will remain in remission.

And apologies if I appear to have stated the obvious.

Take care of yourself - that is equally if not more important than taking care of your husband.  

K

[geoff]

dear Sundari, well the comments by Tony and Hideaway are both spot on and excellent replies.

Once we do have depression it's with us for life, sure we can overcome it just like I have, but it hasn't stopped me from having relapses, which have occurred because we are prone to the flaws that it has given us.

It's normally impossible that anyone can solve their own depression, although they believe it's possible, but the problem is that they get down to the real nitty griity issues, because these are too scary, so what they do is try and treat the minor problems, but this is only putting a band-aid o their depression, and the more they are determined the worse they will get.

This is going to create several issues and these are, that it puts a great deal of pressure on the marriage, as it already has, and secondly that it's not healthy for you as it will create anxiety and probably depression for yourself.

The three issues that are concerning him are going to build up within him, and are going to create conflict, with probably being infertile the worst.

I hope that I haven't upset you, but please get back to us. L Geoff. x

[Sundari]

Thank you to all of you for your reply and information. The message seems to be clear and that being, he is unlikely to manage this on his own. It seems so hard to approach the subject when he comes out of the other side and appears to be essentially well again.

What is comforting hearing that the cycles are normal and can be shortened with help. His reluctance to seek professional help stems from trying it years ago and he feels the drugs made him feel 'zombie' like and the counseling talks about things he already 'can guess what is going to said before they even ask me a question'. He is aware of his issues and seems to be open to a few people about his depression however he isn't happy to share the information with family.

I appreciate I need to look after myself. I thankfully have very good friends that I lean on. I do encourage my husband to do the same but he consistently tells me "I do not understand depression. I do not help him or want to help him etc" I get really frustrated with those comments as I have literally read so much on depression I feel so truly amazed at how many people suffer from a mental illness in Australia and how much help is needed. 

I love him dearly and just would love him to take the next step and just seek advice from a doctor at the very least to try and help us both manage this in a much better way.

Talking to others like yourselves really does help. I feel less alone and part of a community where others have been in my shoes and have made it through the other side with positive stories - for that I am very grateful.

 Many thanks!  

[white knight]

Hi Sundari,

I'm sure I speak for Geoff and Hideaway that your compliments are welcome. Great advice there and its good we great a diverse amount of views for posters.

ok I have a mentality that- if you have to take one tablet a day then 10 more- whats the difference? You still have to go through the process but take 10 more at that same time.

Hence depression being a life long illness as Geoff said is correct and it is a case of a/ accepting that and b/ managing it.

Your husband is a bit unfair saying "you dont understand depression" when you have taken the effort to do so. Most never take those steps. Besides.....is there a real need to enter his head to that extent? What is wrong with simply acknowledging the symptoms, his moods, his short fuse etc....you cannot possibly be a mind reader.

Tell him you are with him all the way, through thick and thin but you cannot be expected to read his mind and experience his illness also. If it is that bad (and it is) then he shouldnt want you to feel it also.

But the bottom line is he has to face the music and seek help. Man up as they say. It takes a man to face it, and a good woman to stick by him with it.

Hope he does so.   Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Sundari, thanks for replying.

I agree with what Tony has said, and also I want to comment on what your husband has said '"I do not understand depression'.

I wonder how many times this has been said by someone with depression, I would imagine most times, and I probably said it to my ex years ago, so why, maybe they just want to wrap themselves up in a cocoon so no one can touch them, but eventually the insect has to mature and then fly off, which means that he has to come out and face the world once more.

It is certainly 'off-putting' when they say this, but try and let it pass, because what you know they don't, although it is annoying.

Depression is so wide spread and unfortunately it's growing in heaps and bounds everyday, we can see this on the site, as everyday there are so many people needing help, but we can't forget all those that still hide it and all these people are a great worry as well. L Geoff. x