I need help helping others understand what we are going through

[Stronger_together_forever]

Hi,

My name is Clare and partner has been recently (about a month ago) diagnosed with 'global' depression and anxiaty.  He is seeking help and is on the right path 🙂  We have told his family what was going on and they are really supportive but yesterday I told my family, my dad was amazing but my mum was not and now thinks that I'm going to be waisting my life 'looking after' my partner.  I know this is not the case but I can't seem to explain it to her.  I have given her the caring for the carers book and dad even suggested that she go and see her (our) GP who knows whats going on but she won't listen.  

Has anyone got any advise on what else I can do to help my mum understand?   I'm so upset as my mum means the world to me and I want her to understand.

[Neil_1]

Hi Clare  

I’d really love to be able to give you a response filled with wonderful suggestions and advice here – but with what you’ve described and from what I understand of the ‘older’ generation – although, not knowing exactly what age your mum is, it does sound that she’s in the bracket of depression is nothing more than, just pulling up your socks, what have you got to be depressed about and get on with life, kinds of people.  I hope that hasn’t come out too harshly – it’s just an opinion, but through an awful lot of experience.  

You’ve done an amazing thing already by giving her the carer’s book (which she quite possibly won’t read anyway) and also brilliant that your dad is so supportive and also of him suggesting for her to go to the GP to get a handle on what’s happening – but you’ve said, nope, she won’t listen.  That was the comment from you that made me start out with my opening paragraph.  If she’d had the slightest inkling of being a little open to learning about this, then I’d have produced a completely different opening para.  

What is absolutely wonderful is that HIS family are supportive and that you’ve also got your dad behind you both on this.  Honestly I think that it would be now only your Dad who could possibly bring her around – possibly.  You know, he could print some (or you could print some things out) from this website about depression and then leave them lying around their house – put it on her bedside table, etc. 

But at the end of the day, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.  Meaning you can try to give your mum all the information and talk about it as much as possible, but you can’t make her listen, understand or accept any of it.  

Now Clare, no matter what, she’s still your mum and your love for her will not diminish due to this – despite the fact that I know you want her to understand so badly and to come around – but if she doesn’t, this shouldn’t change your relationship at all. 

As often as you visited before, that should never change – the only thing I’d possibly say to be wary of, is of her attitude towards your partner.    While we know she’s not understanding and not supportive, do you feel that she could be ‘nasty’ towards your partner?  In that, if you’ve both around for a pleasant kind of visit, do you think that she might come out and say something derogatory towards your partner and his mental health??   I only ask this because if you perhaps haven’t thought about it and something like that does happen, then that could be a major setback for him and could make the visit extremely awkward.  

Clare, I’m sorry that I haven’t really given you too much positive with regard to your mum, but the love that you have for her is still as strong as ever and the other major positive is that all other family members are supportive.  Which is a massively great thing.  

 I do hope you can get back to us and I’d like to hear your thoughts about my post?  

Kind regards  

Neil

[Pixie15]

Hi Clare,

From what you say your Mum loves you and wants the best for you. 

I am assuming you are still quite young. Did you ask your Mum why she thought you would be "wasting" your life? Maybe she has had some experiences with friends or family that have influenced her thinking and it might be useful for you to talk to her some more.

It is really great that you feel so passionate about supporting your partner. I would not discourage trying.