I have a chronic illness and my partner won't seek further help for depression

[MissG999]

My partner and I have been together for 10 years (not married) and he's always struggled with varying severity of depression over this time. I supported him to see a psychiatrist years ago and he's been medicated since then, but he has always refused counselling so his management strategies haven't improved. I developed a chronic pain condition a few years ago as well and it's reduced my capabilities a lot.

This past year he's slowly spiralled down again; he's having sleep problems, more bouts of being unable to communicate and struggling to get through the day. He is tired all the time and hates his job, but is scared to quit or lose it since it would be hard to find another now. I think me being sick too has a bit to do with the pressure he feels there. He hasn't seen his psychiatrist in 12 months and has been getting medication through various GPs.

I tried the same approach that worked to initially get him to see a psychiatrist initially, but he says he's too tired to even go to one appointment and doesn't think he can deal with talking to a psychologist in a useful way. I've spoken to him about it 3 times now but he just won't or can't move past that point and the conversation just makes him sadder.

I try to avoid doing things that bother him and be emotionally supportive but I've been struggling to balance his needs against mine. I'm worried that he will keep sliding until he can't work anymore and then have a huge crash but nothing I say trumps over his feelings of exhaustion. I really don't know what to do at this point so any suggestions would be great.

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to the forums.

firstly, I would say it sounds like you are doing all the right things in being supportive of your partner to get professional help.

the second thing I would like to mention is that he might be putting himself second to ensure you both have the things you need or want. There is certainty is doing a job you might hate - a bit like a pair of old slippers which are no good any more but you know how they feel. While the logical thing might be to find another job, there is the too much discomfort going down that path.

now I would probably agree with you on the talk therapy - at least that is what my psychiatrist calls it... medication and talk therapy go hand in hand. And despite your best efforts he does not sound "ready" to want to do it... at least yet. There is no weakness is getting help.

If there were a way to persuade him it would be to talk to him about the effect all this is having on you and speaking in terms of "I" and not "You" - it can help to lower the defenses of the other person..

sleep wise... if your partner is open to the ideas of "sleep hygiene" that should help with the sleep problems which can make the other issues worse. Things like getting 8 hours of sleep, relaxation before sleep rather than ruminating on problems etc.

I am speaking from experience here.

lastly there are pages on the beyond blue web site for supporting someone with depression. It took a year for my dad to get help with gentle nudging each week. You will probably sound like a broken record but ask him how he, and one day I hope you see a change.

Tim

[MissG999]

Thanks Tim,

It's nice to hear that I'm doing something right at least. I've been worrying about pushing him too much or nagging, but I think I can handle gently reminding him about it without making it a big conversation every time. His sleep is a bit frustrating because he knows the benefits of sleep hygiene but he's never been able to stick to the rules for more than a week. I may need to start working on that point first, and maybe use it to ease him into the idea of going to a psychologist through that?