Dear Benji
It's good that you can write in to Beyond Blue and ask for help. The people who write here have all sorts of experiences so there will be answers from those people. Welcome to Beyond Blue and I hope you will find help and support here.
I have not been in your role so I cannot speak from experience. I can offer some general suggestions and comments for your consideration.
As your partner has been diagnosed with BPD I presume he is seeing a psychiatrist. Is this therapeutic relationship continuing? While there is no specific medication for BPD there are medications for related illnesses such as depression. Has he been given any medication and does he takes it properly.
Have you spoken with his psychiatrist? Psychs are not supposed to talk about their patients without the permission of the patient. Can you get your partner to give the psych permission to talk to you? I'm not suggesting you have lots of conversations or attend therapy. Just one or two sessions so that the psych can explain this illness and the best way you can help.
Another possibility is to talk to your partner about the ways you can help him. This may be fraught with difficulty if your partner feels defensive or angry and he may deny there is anything wrong, or simply tell you not to bother. This is why it is important to talk with the treating psych.
It's also a good idea to set boundaries on what you are and are not prepared to do and be very firm about sticking to these. If he has some narcissistic traits then he may be manipulative. Keep bringing him back to your agreement.
Read up about recognising any danger signals. Again see psych. If his illness starts to escalate then you must have a plan to manage.
And lastly, you need to make a decision about how long you can support him. Will there come a point when you are not prepared to stay? At the moment you want to help him as much as possible and cannot entertain the idea of leaving. And this may never arise.
This probably sounds like a very negative post. It's not meant to be. It's great that you want to help your partner. Someone with a mental illness can become abusive. Think about how much you should put up with.
I said lastly but I forgot about your self care. Search the net for Carers Associations in your state and see if there is one near you. They are incredibly helpful. AA has support groups for family and this is no different. Be aware of your own mental health and take steps to remain healthy.
I hope you will reply.
Mary
