I don’t know how to help

[worriedwife8786]

Hi

My husband has had depression and anxiety our whole relationship which I’ve always tried my best to be there for him. It is very hard for me to get him to open up as he typically bottles all his feelings and emotions and will eventually just snap and see red with anger.

In our whole relationship (11 years) there has only been 4 occasions that I have been on the receiving end of his anger, and I’ve always been forgiving as I know he can’t control himself.

However, we have recently just had our first child together and he had one of these fits of anger where our child’s safety was compromised. Since then, I have pushed him to open up with me regularly about how he’s feeling as I’m at a point now where I feel our relationship (and his relationship with our child) is dependent on it. What I am really struggling with now is what to say to him to help.

He gets very low some days and has suicidal thoughts, and when he tells me about them, I don’t know what to say or how to help him feel better about himself. Also, as he has no sense of self worth or self love, he tells me his happiness is dependent on me, which puts a lot of pressure on me.

I’m just feeling a bit lost in my current situation as I don’t know how to help him when he is low as well as communicate my frustration with him without risking him feeling worthless again.

Thanks

I

[Doolhof]

Hi Worriedwife,

Welcome to the community here and thanks for sharing your story. It is understandable you are concerned for your welfare and that of your child and also your husband.

Living with a person who experiences depression can be difficult as I am sure there are times when your husband may not be able to formulate in words why he is feeling depressed. When you are wanting answers, he may not know himself.

As a person suffering from depression, some days I just feel yuck and there appears to be no reason for it. This can be part of the illness.

Do you or your husband see a counsellor or a psychologist? They would be able to help with strategies to help with the depression.

Beyond Blue also have a website with information. Take a look at the Depression section. There are ideas there as to how to assist a person experiencing depression.

When you are concerned about his suicidal thoughts, you could telephone beyond blue on 1300 22 4636 and talk to someone. Your husband may benefit form talking to them also.

When your husband is not feeling so depressed, could you sit down together and work out what might help him when he is feeling depressed. It might be a cup of coffee out the back, a drive, going for a walk, gaming, what ever it is that will help him feel better about life or to be distracted.

Hope you find some answers.

Regards from Dools

[Croix]

Dear worriedwife8786~
I’d like to join Mrs Dools in welcoming you, as someone who has been on the other side of the coin, I can well understand what you are going through.

It is exhausting, frustrating and worrying and very sad to see a partner in such an unhappy state, and when anger and a possible threat to a child comes on the scene it is worse

I tried to go it alone. It did not work. Eventually I opened up to my partner, like your husband. This was an excellent thing

Not knowing what to say or how to respond to his talk of suicide puts enormous pressure on you, and cannot go on indefinitely. However you are not on your own.

Mrs Dools has suggested looking at the Beyond Blue site
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression
There are similar pages there on suicidal thoughts and anxiety.

They can give you background however I’d suggest you contact either

our own Help Line (1300 22 4636)
or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467)

These services can be used by either of you independently. You for advice and perspective, he to help deal with the thoughts as they happen and to get guidance in treatment

He most likely will have to start some form of treatment as I did, and this can start with an extended consultation with his GP in which he says everything that has been happening.

Do you have anyone to support you? Family or friend you can speak with who cares? It can make a real difference. My partner had her mum.

I hope to talk with you again

Croix