Husband with Bipolar Disorder

[Chocolate68]

Hi there,  my husband has had bipolar disorder for over 20 years, wasn't so noticeable or frequent years ago but as he gets older, there are 2-3 major episodes each year.  Starts off with insomnia and trouble getting motivated, through to exhaustion then hyper mania for a few months then onto the downward spiral to depression.  He is currently going through another episode, its been 6-8 weeks now on hyper mania and he has been taking anti-depressant and sleeping medication which is not helping. Last week he went to the Dr and was prescribed a mood stabiliser, which he now refuses to take.

I am deeply concerned as this manic episode is getting out of control, he is confrontational, berating, not rational thoughts or suggestions, not acting responsively, and trying to reorganise the house (moving everything around and "de cluttering") and being hyper all the time and not being able to stay still.  We are sleeping in different rooms as he is up all night, then crashes for an hour or two, then up again and buzzing around trying to "change the world".  For the past few days he says he's been really dizzy and unable to stay still and has to keep moving.

Monday we are back at the Drs for another assessment, I will tell the Dr that he is not taking his medication and suggest that he must see a psychiatrist.  

I feel totally exhausted with all his "in your face" behaviour, the kids understand that Dad's not well and know not to push things otherwise he just freaks out.  I am very cautious when he is around, not that he would hurt us, but I don't know what's going on in his mind.  I feel as though he needs time away from us, and I don't really love him the way he is.  I know he is sick and it's the illness that I hate, not him, but I can't even be in the same room with him as he makes me feel so uncomfortable.  This is not a good environment to be in, I have stress enough at work, and with the kids, school and a step father terminally ill with cancer, I don't know how long I can take his behaviour.

I have no other family support here, his friends have noticed a change in his behaviour (some say he has been acting a little strange) but when I say this to him he thinks that I am making it up and it's me that has the problem, and apparently everyone else understands him but me.

He blames me for the way he is feeling, he constantly seeks my OK for things that he does (when he doesn't need to) and believes that I say things when I don't (words in his mouth).  He says that he knows I hate him (which I don't).  He says that he hates me as I never compliment him and that I always say that he's never good at anything (which I don't).  I just shut up now as I don't want to get into an argument.

As for rearranging the house, at 3am the other morning I woke up to him clearing out the kitchen pantry (to de-clutter) and everything was out everywhere.  At the moment, he is in the bathroom rearranging the vanity unit, putting stuff from the kitchen into the bathroom and vice versa.  It's exhausting and depressive!

Anyone want to talk or have some advice.

Vanessa

[Courtney-Anna]

Hi Vanessa,

First of all I don't think it's unnatural at all to feel what your feeling. I have experienced a very similar story to you and have also felt all the things your feeling! My partner was going through a manic episode in May 2014 which required hospitalisation. I was naive in thinking that once he was in hospital and on meds that everything would go back to normal - couldn't have been further from the truth! What we battled after that is the anger, resentment and depression that comes with coming down from a manic episode. For months he resented me for sending him to hospital, for assisting to put him on an involuntary treatment order which forced him to take medication, for making him go to his doctors and psychiatrist appointments every week. It created so much anger inside of me that he could be so selfish in thinking that, that he couldn't see how much I was hurting and the burden I felt.

Once he started really accepting his condition (and not just saying he  accepted it but really accepted that this would forever be a part of his life - no easy task when your 22 and have the world at your feet!) and understanding more about it he started to become more like himself again, like he wasn't trying to fight everything. The best thing for him was to get back to doing what he loved before the episode - it's hard when your feeling down and tired all the time but it really helped him push through the dark days! 

A lot of psychiatrists told me to see someone to cope with the burden/feelings I was feeling and for a long time I put it off. When I did finally see someone it was like a weight off my shoulders and helped me understand why he was acting that way and felt the way he did. It was good to talk to someone who accepted my feelings and didn't think any less of me for 'being mad at someone who has a mental illness'.

We don't have children so I can't even imagine how hard it would've been for you being in that position. All I can say is it can get better and those feelings of anger and resentment on both sides can subside over time and a bit of therapy. 

Whatever you decide to do with yours and your children's future there is absolutely no judgement. People don't understand how incredibly hard and emotionally draining caring for someone with a mental illness is until they experience it. 

I wish you the best of luck and all the happiness and peace in this world! 

xx

[Lsmith]

Hi Chocolate68,

 I feel your pain.  My husband is not the same man I married due to mental illness.  I could handle the illness, it's the constant nastiness and aggression I find difficult.  Is it wrong to feel jipped in life?  To feel like the man you married is different to the one you fell in love with?  I am subjecting my kids and their friends to a not very attractive side of him or me as we cope with his anxieties and issues - all the while having him so nasty towards me and them that it just isn't the way families should treat each other.  It would be easier to do it on my own.  So ... Your feelings are normal for someone in your shoes.  Just trust your instinct and remember that we only get one life to live.  Choose your actions wisely.  No one will judge.  We are all entitled to be happy and fulfilled.  My thoughts are with you.

[capeachy]

Thank you for writing this. The struggle is real - and what everyone thinks as 'him just being fun' is not the same for the partner involved. I have been with my partner now for just over six years and he would roughly have 2-3 episodes a year. Some ranging from quite mild to others over the top. I'm glad I now don't feel alone in this, as the feeling can be very isolating. It's good to know that there are others you can talk to who understand completely.

[Cornstarch]

I found it really interesting and I am sorry to say a little ignorant too that the forum for carer’s is on the same forum for people with mental illness. Before people get their backs up and think what is this women
saying, that is so offensive, we are meant to make people feel less ashamed not more I will say this.

Until you have been on the other side of the psychotic class of illnesses you simply cannot understand the utter frustration, desperation and shear helplessness unless you have experienced that for yourself over a
long period of time. Especially if it comes with the medication compliance roller-coaster.

For one, I find it astounding that the assumption is made that the carer’s are adults. There is a silent army of children in Australia caring for parents with severe mental illness and they have no safe place to go
– “you know what, mental illness sucks right now. I hate mental illness. I don’t want to petition for the passionate cause today. I just want a break and say things out loud that may be labelled so called offensive!”
So instead they internalise it inside of themselves, let it brew, and further complicate their emotions and their relationship with their family member whom they do love deeply but are drowning inside. I personally believe that a lack of healthy, outward expression of strong emotion is really dangerous for a group of people who are already at high risk themselves.

It is like being in a parallel universe. I don’t waste my breath trying to explain it to others who have no direct lived experience because they simply could never be able to understand what it is like.

All carers need a safe place to vent without being judged as horrible people that don’t love their family/partner/friend.

Corny's 2 cents.

[Pixie15]

Thanks Cornstarch for this post in support of carers.

Although I am not sure there is a clear line between carers and sufferers. When you are a carer in the middle of a family crisis you can question your own mental health.

I do however feel that it would be helpful to have a forum for carers.

[Chris_B]

Pixie15 said:

I do however feel that it would be helpful to have a forum for carers.

Hi Cornstarch and Pixie15, I'd like to hear more about what you mean by a separate forum for carers but I don't want to derail Chocolate68's thread. Could you please post your thoughts in the forum improvements thread and we can discuss it there? I have a few questions as well.

[Cornstarch]

I completely agree Pixie15 but I will speak up for the people that fly under the radar and who are too afraid to express how they feel. However uncomfortable that is. This is what I wrote to Chris. I don't pretend I have any answers but I hope to make someone out there feel less alone. The desperation really concerns me. There are pressure cookers waiting to explode, and some do.

"I'm not sure I really have the energy Chirs because I'm sorry to say I find the ignorance of 'the other side' absolutely confounding. There are people struggling with their own condition whilst simultaneously
having to help others as well. Pixie sounds like he/she may very well be an adult. As I said there is a silent army of children in this country caring for desperately ill care-givers and they have no agency and no voice. Coupled with that they are burdened with the pressure that comes with petitioning for the 'passionate cause'. And there should be a passionate cause for mental illness.

The stigma is disgraceful for conditions that no-one chose to have.

But the pressure to maintain the 'passionate cause' while you are secretly drowning can break anyone's spirits. High achievers, god, even mental health workers who thought that their success and education bought them
immunity from feeling desperate are rudely shocked. Here they are with accolades, achievements and so called knowledge, only to discover that acute mental health conditions make them feel like a consummate professional by day, and an incompetent fraud by night. So they hide.

I don't know about you but I think hiding feelings is dangerous.

My anxiety sky rockets to the moon and back when my PTSD flares up because I am acutely aware of the other side. The mere thought of putting any family member or friend through that just makes me feel sick. So I
just grab my keys and go. We've had family bust ups because they are so upset what's happened to me and all they want to do is be there for me. But that's the cruelty of interpersonal trauma. The trauma occurred inside of a familial context with people known to the family, and now they too are triggers! I'm blessed that I can self-regulate very well if you let me disappear on a beach somewhere for the day and I also have an amazing clinical psychologist. But not everyone can self-regulate or find a wonderful therapist.

There are always two sides."

[Ash13]

Hi Vanessa, I'm new to this forum is there any way we can have a private conversation? I have a lot to say as I am in a similar situation but my post about everything that's happening is too long and it won't post. Regards, Ash

[BlueDays]

Wow Chocolate68 - it's like you have just described my life, except that I don't get my pantry re-organised...my husband tells me to do everything that needs to be done - he doesn't do it himself.

It's really hard and I really appreciate you (and everyone else) sharing their stories. This is not something I can talk freely about to friends or family - and I'm sure many others feel the same.

I have had my 10 year old daughter crying on the floor in my wardrobe (hiding), begging me to divorce him - but when he is on a high my girls can't get enough of him. I really understand when you say you have to 'protect' your children and yourself. Do I leave him while I know he is desperately down? How much abuse is too much? Can we live the rest of our lives on eggshells? No, we can't...but I just don't know how to help him. If we leave he will spiral out of control - that is a lot of responsibility on my shoulders....

I guess we all have a limit and if/when I reach it I'll know.

Thanks again 🙂

[Cornstarch]

I really feel for you and your "isolation" that you refer to.

It's such a lonely experience.

Feeling helpless, desperate, heart-broken for the person suffering because it must be hell-on-earth for them......but yet breaking inside yourself.

It's just awful. Awful.

xxxxxx