Husband smokes marijuana and is an undiagnosed bipolar

[bluerose73]

Hi there,

I'm a new member and needed a safe space to vent and get advise. I've been with my partner for 4 years and married since early this year. He has always smoked marijuana since I met him and in the beginning, I tried very hard to stop him from smoking but nothing ever worked. He finally did sometime end of last year on his own but the withdrawals were HORRIBLE . He absolutely despised me and said the worst of the worst things and used my weakness against me. I had to be the strong one and still am. About a month or so after he stopped, he was amazing and a completely changed man. However, after we got married, he started marijuana again sneakily and now is full blown back into it. I have accepted it and don't fight him about it anymore instead I trust that he will stop when he is good and ready. Lately though he has been very ANGRY ALL THE TIME. And his anger is always directed towards me, I am always the one in the wrong, I am the devil, he wants me dead, he hates me and it goes on and on and on. He will send me 50++ messages throughout the day which I just end up deleting and not reading because they are just abusive. After a couple of days, he calms down, appologises and sometimes doesn't recall the things he says and if he does remember he is very remorseful. I am 99% sure he is bipolar(it's in his family) but hasn't been diagnosed. The way he reacts to minuscule things and the way he thinks is not normal. I feel helpless, I feel scared to go home, I get knots in my stomach everytime he messages or calls me. When he is getting angry, I end up leaving the house and staying out for hours and hours until he has calmed. I hate feeling this way and don't know what else to do. Most of the time he only gets angry if he hasn't smoked marijuana so a part of me is glad when he does. But at the same time I know it's only doing more damage than harm. I wish I could forcefully put him in rehab. I'm exhausted all the time and have to put a fake front for my family, friends and colleagues. I hate my life.

[blondguy]

Hello PK2212

Im sorry about the delay in you getting a response....we are usually pretty quick

Welcome to the forums and good on you for posting too

I really feel what you are going through PK. I was in a mega toxic relationship 20 years ago and it didnt do my health any good at all.

The Cannabis can be a trigger for people that have a predisposition to mental illness whether it is genetic or not.

The cannabis has a more psychotropic nowadays as its hydroponically grown not like in the old hippy days of the 1960's.

Your health is paramount here. All other considerations are secondary PK.

You are entitled to expect a reasonable quality of life and the enjoyment of it.

If I was in your situation I would make a double appointment with your GP for yourself which will give you the chance to 'vent' as well as the advice you need. You have everything to gain by doing so.

Of course you husband needs care as soon as possible as you are aware PK. What are his thoughts about seeking help from a doctor or specialist? You have a lot happening here with a possible mental illness (subject to a diagnosis) combined with a serious addiction issue combined

Feeling scared to go home is not living your life PK let alone being the target of his illness and linked behavior.

I would be making that double appt with your own GP to check your available options. This would be a crucial step now to gain some clarity in your life. You can find some peace by moving out even temporarily but to continue in your current situation wont be conducive to your quality of life not to mention your health.

My background is 35 years of anxiety disorder and clinical depression just for your information.

I really hope you can post back PK. You deserve better than this. The help you can provide to your husband with his illness is limited.

I think you are an amazing person to have had the strength to reach out here. There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you PK

my kindest thoughts for you

Paul

[Croix]

Dear PK~

I'm very sorry to hear what has happened to you, it is not something anyone can really live with. I think from what you say there are a couple of things to consider, the first being that your husband cannot or will not give up his use of cannabis, and secondly he is behaving in a way that is completely unacceptable, not rational, and maybe dangerous - given the amount of hostility he shows.

In all probability there is a strong association between his drug use and his behavior.The fact he has lucid times and apologizes is of no real use - it only breeds false hope as matters revert again later on.

There is no real way that you can force him to get any form of help. Drug rehab is voluntary in normal circumstances, as is going to a doctor to have one's mental condition assessed. I'm afraid in that area you are stuck.

I'm also afraid I cannot see any happy outcome for you marriage under the present circumstances and staying away from home because you are scared is simply not on.

If I were in your shoes I would leave (yes I know it is easy for me to say). Realistically things are not livable and it would appear to be the only option. Do you have friends or family you can stay with?

I would suggest getting in contact with either our own 24/7 help line (number above) or Relationship Australia (1300 364 277) so you can gain advice from people that deal with family tragedies such as this on a daily basis.

Paul has given you some very good advice to be thinking about. Your own health needs to be maintained, and a visit to your GP could be very helpful.

Do you have others you can look to for support? I know you said you had been putting on a fake front. Maybe it is time to let that go, at least with someone who will understand and care.

It's a very worrying and difficult situation. We would be very happy if you posted again and said more

Croix

[geoff]

hello PK, thanks to Paul and Croix for replying back to you with some great advice.
If he was put into rehab he may or he maybe come out of with any luck, although he will give up while he's in there and believe all the information that is told to him, it's when he gets out and meets up with his old mates then he could be likely start up again.
It's a strong addictive, well aren't they all, but there could be a chance he will want to prove a point, that going to rehab was a waste of time and money, so he may smoke even more.
He will only stop when he wants to, and you won't be able to tell him to give it up because he won't pay any attention, it's an addiction that has control over him.
You now have to make a decision whether you want to continue on like this or decide to leave him and to cope with his aggression and anger, it's not a pleasant way to live a life, but I can't decide or make you do anything, but only suggest, and I think you know what I would do for your own safety. Geoff.

[bluerose73]

Hello again,

It's been 3 years now since my first post and I thought I would give an update as to where I am at now. Since my last post, a few months after , my husband left to stay with his mum while continuing to hate me and be verbally/emotionally abusive towards me. I let him go although my heart was BROKEN as I've never felt anyone have that much of hatred towards me. Luckily I had my parents visiting from overseas, and it really helped for a couple of weeks while they were here (all my family live overseas). Fast forward a couple of months later, and we ended up reconciling and I moved to the area where his family was and things were ok on and off. By January 2018, he had a mental breakdown and was incoherent, all the weed and everything else finally got to him and it was the scariest time of my life. 12th January 2018, I admitted him to hospital and he was in a psych ward for nearly 2 months. I visited him everyday (except days he was volatile and did not want to see me). I liaised with his doctors, psych, work (he quit his job while in his manic state and I managed to save his job as he wasn't in the right frame of mind). He was off work for 4 months. Doctors diagnosed him as schizoaffective disorder. Finally, when he was out and had his medications in balance, he was the person I always knew existed underneath all the layers of trauma and pain he has endured in his life. Things were amazing, I fell pregnant and we have ourselves a beautiful boy now. He was a great husband and father. Beginning 2019, he decided to stop his medications, he didn't like how it made him felt or well not feel really as they were mood stabilizers. I supported him as long as he had good sleep, healthy eating, exercised and saw a counsellor. It was imperative for him to have a healthy routine to keep his mind healthy. We occassionally had arguments but it was nothing compared to the past volatile and toxic arguments. The past few months now he has been again quite volatile and unpredictable with his moods. He has been vaping off and on at home and I always told him that it smells so much like weed, and he kept dismissing it or laughing it off saying it wasn't and acting nonchalant. I was right all along as I found the cannabis oil and was LIVID after all that's happened that he would start it again. So, it begins again. He HATES me, says he wants to be with other girls, says he will move out, and that I am toxic and always starting arguments. 

[bluerose73]

A couple of weeks ago, we were having an argument and this time instead of me just speaking calmly, non-agressive or being quiet , I argued back/defended myself but at the same time just laughing and talking to my son as I had my son with me and I didn't want him to get scared or feel the tension (he is nearly 2 ) and the best thing usually in those times is to get away from my husband and so I go to the balcony with my son and he was so angry... He also hid my phone which is my only form of communication as we don't have a home phone so I eventually managed to get hold off him from a tablet to tell me where the phone is as well if there was an emergency I would need it and I was late to go to his sisters house too. When I rang her, I told her I was running late , she could tell something was wrong and asked me if I was ok, and I just broke and told her what happened. She is the only person who knows everything , as she is his sister, there is no judgement towards her brother and I trust her. She confronted him about it, and now he thinks I am trying to turn his family against him and I am changing my stories to make him look bad. He believes I made him get physical by provoking him. A part of me now keeps wondering and thinking, did I really do it? Am I actually an evil person and just don't know it myself? He HATES me for telling his sister and now says things will never go back to how it was, and I am the one that brings chaos in his life... How? I don't understand how he can't see the pattern of what's happening again , because he is back on weed? The signs are obvious , his demeanour, his thinking, his words, they are all as before. I remain strong for my son, he doesn't see me falter, cry and he absolutely loves his Dad. I do literally everything in the house, and care for my child and work full time as well. I guess, I am back on here venting, as it is the only safe place to vent and a part of me can't help but feel guilty like this is my fault too....

[Sophie_M]

Hi bluerose73,

Thanks for reaching out here and sharing this with us here today. We know it isn't easy, but it is so important that you have.

This is a safe, non-judgmental space where users give and receive support based on their own experiences with mental health. We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice, understanding and conversation as you need. It's important to remember though that the peer support offered here, while often quick, is not immediate.

For more immediate support we recommend reaching out to our friends at https://www.1800respect.org.au/. They are available 24/7 by free call on 1800 737 732 and by webchat here: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome

If you think you or anyone you care for is at risk of harm, please know this is an emergency and you should call 000 immediately.

Please reach out and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.
 

[Croix]

Dear bluerose73~

Welcome back, I'm sorry to see it had to be under such circumstances.

It is ironic that for a while your realtionship improved -while he was on his medication.

It's quite common for a person to feel so good on medications that after a while the believe they are now 'fixed' and htere is no need to keep on taking them. However when they cease them the old symptoms gradually return.

I guess there a couple of thngs I'd like to say -you probably know them already

Decent caring people when they are confronted by consistent bad treatment come to blame themselves -just as you are doing. You cannot provoke a partner to violence, it is in them. Why self-blame happens I've no idea, but read through other threads and you will see others have blamed themselves too.

Dangerous and abusive behavior simply cannot go on, getting physical and removing your phone are completely unacceptable and hurt not only you but provide a terrible atmosphere for your son who will grow up seeing violence and drugs are acceptable.

Sophie has suggested 1800RESPECT and I would say that is exactly the right place to talk with peple who deal wiht these situations every day and give practical and understanding advice.

I'm very glad you rang his sister and you have no guilt in you at all, just an admirable way of having shouldered all this burden all this time and loving your son.

Croix