Husband depressed Says he wants to leave Advice please!

[Imagine]

Hi My husband of over 20 years suffers depression and is going through a relapse right now.

I have a chronic autoimmune disease which restricts my life considerably, (constant pain, fatigue, can't drive because of frequent falls/blackouts, although I lead as active and independent a life as possible, working part time, maintaining the house etc).

He has just told me he thinks he wants to leave me, he still loves me, but cannot cope with my illness and it's restrictions on our life anymore. I am devastated as this came as a complete shock.

We celebrated our 21st anniversary only 5 weeks ago and he gave me a card signed always and forever and told me he wanted to go shopping for an eternity ring. We still love each other (he said this - not my assumption).

There are other factors affecting his mental state at present, facing his own mortality after discovering he needs cholesterol meds for the rest of his life, work pressure and losing our beloved dog after 15 years.

I have tried hard not to put any pressure on him, just asked him not to decide until his depression is back under control. He has voluntarily made an appointment to see a counsellor and is already on antidepressant meds which have helped previously.

What I'd like to know, from anyone who has experienced his pain, is what I can do to help?

I am not pushing him in any way, suggesting treatments or anything. I am trying to give him space but I told him the door is always open and that I will take my cues from him.

I told him I will always be his friend no matter what, that I am not angry with him at all. I did say that I think at least some of the pressure of my illness is because he chooses to take on the burden to "fix" things and try and "take care" of me without my wanting/asking/needing/demanding anything. 

I've asked him to try not to do that, to stand back and wait until I ask for help if I need it, and maybe see that the burden is not as bad as he thinks and is not all coming from me.

But I am absolutely heartbroken and I cannot hide my tears and I fear that I might be adding guilt to the awful pain he is already facing. I haven't said anything to anyone, I am hoping that this is the depression talking and that we may still have a future together but I feel like I am holding a tiny candle alight in a huge, dark room.

Thank you to anyone who may be able to offer their thoughts.

[Imagine]

Hi mr confused,

Thanks for telling us how things are going. I have been thinking of you, but I am so sorry to hear that this is what has happened. Words are so inadequate for the pain you must be going through. You have been so kind, so patient, so supportive and yet still you have been repaid like this.

I know it is the disease, not the person. No happy person would ever choose to make others suffer but that is cold comfort for a broken heart. And like you said, how do you respond to those questions?

I think you are right about needing to take care of ourselves. With your obvious love, pride and compassion, you must be a great Dad to those 3 beautiful boys and they will need you now more than ever. I read somewhere that we should do whatever we can to make ourselves feel better, the suggestions seem so meaningless in the scope of the suffering, but we have to start somewhere and perhaps the choice to do something for ourselves will help slowly rebuild some of our beaten and battered self esteem.

I guess we can only take things moment by moment and be grateful that each moment takes us closer to a time when the pain will ease.

Take care of yourself, you are worth the effort and will come through this difficult time  xxx

[Imagine]

Hi mattyj,

Thank you, your response did help, and in a very practical sense, because it prompted me to have a talk to him about what HE feels HE needs.

His blank and cold demeanour and Jekyll and Hyde behaviour were confusing me so much that I had no idea what he wanted. You gave me the understanding and the way to approach the question. I went with the angle that the depression experience seems so different for different people, likened my role to being blindfolded and asked him to let me know if I am stumbling towards the land mines I can't see. I will listen, I trust him, and will believe him but I need his guidance. I can't see when he needs silence, or when he needs to hear I will not abandon him. As he has now gone away for the weekend, I don't know if this will help, but I feel like I said the right thing.

Thanks again for your insight. You are in my thoughts and I truly hope that your hard work brings your family back together.

[giggles]

Hi Imagine

And anyone else choosing to read this.

I am a survivor of depression and attempted suicide.

While reading I remembered feelings and emotions that would be trying to find a place for expression from when I was going through episodes (I call them) I am now grateful to those episodes because through me sticking it out and not killing myself I now have the ability to see what I was doing at certain times of my life.

This has given me an acute ability to understand most of what is written on this site.However while I would absolutely love to take everyone's pain away it, in my experience does not work that way.

I have learnt so much from the suffering but has not been so much about anyone else it has been for me to learn about myself.Gosh I would not recommend it to anyone though but there it is my truth.

I would like to share how I was trying to control people and situations through the emotion of anger and off course many other feelings that come into the destructive arena.I kept these emotions to myself and never expressed them until I was angry or if I did not have the confidence to express it went side ways on me.What ever was going on I would usually keep it to myself so now I don't but certainly chose what I can help with and what I can not.

I learnt that everything that is placed in front of me was there to show me that I actually need to work on myself and not necessarily the other person.Once I twicked to that one the other person I was trying to control did not need controlling at all and I could work with them.So I could then also see how others control their worlds and if they are doing it through yucky means I now know I have the freedom to move away from the yucky person and do something else. We do need control of course.

I am not referring to children off course they need direction from us. Adults on the other hand to me are children being naughty because they are frustrated with something.I now laugh at their methods because anger has lost it steam.

 I have strategies everyday to keep on top of those awful depressive emotions because I know from my experience that they are not real at all and I have not had an episode for years so I reckon its progress for sure. Off course I would like everyone to feel this but I could not be told anything because I need to make up my own mind about things and situations and that has been my fight I just thought I had to fight everyone else off course I do not at all.

I have been forced to face the truth about myself from my personal experiences and found that it is not so bad because I discovered loads of good from the bad.

I really enjoy arts and crafts so I liken life to that sometimes I can knit or crochet and if it does not turn out I can always undo it. Or in painting i can always cover it up but I will no longer cover me up while I am creating I am actually working with myself.

So it really is up to you what or how you deal with anything that comes into your life you have been doing it since you arrived so only you know what is going to be ok for you. Unfortunately the pain may need to be there until you can find acceptance. I do not believe I could have put a time frame on that for me while going through some things but it is real and really nice when it arrives.

During my recovery for depression not one person really listened in a helpful way to me so I still felt alone during the process but because I stayed I can speak from how it is today and it is better. Some of the things I was worried about back then iare still there but they are meant to be just as I did not respond to the treatment offered because I did not know at the time but I needed to work my life out my way. I am still here with loads of things I want to try..

I wish only luck with a box of tissues because there will definitely be tears from someone along the way.After the tears it can be quite cool.It is not new but tears are simply a release from both sexes

I do not believe anyone can actually tell us individually exactly what is going to happen to another person or our lives but we are all watching and waiting I suppose for people to heal so they can be ok again no one can do it for you or your partner.

All the best Giggles

Hope you do something special for yourself today.

[Imagine]

Hi Giggles,

Thank you so very much for thinking of me, for following up, for taking the time to give me your advice and perspective, the luck and the tissues - I need them! You are amazingly accurate in your perception. You are obviously someone who has learnt much from the difficulties you have faced and that is inspiring to others. It is generous of you to share what you have learnt.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and I suspect he has been keeping emotions to himself, and perhaps even from himself. I have always seen the impact of his abusive father, but just this week it also occurred to me that he may have more of his submissive mother in him than I have ever noticed before. And of course, I can't work on a marital issue I know nothing about, so perhaps I am just ignorant of things that have upset him that he hasn't told me about, all the while believing that I am doing all I can to build and sustain the happy marriage I thought we had.

Things are not going well right now. He moved out a week ago and I was feeling slightly more positive, (not rashly so, just a little) after he called me on Wednesday sounding quite upbeat, just to ask how I was going, then said he was coming over today (Saturday) even though I said he did not need to do so. But, I could see as soon as he walked in today, that he was wearing his depression mask. He wasn't angry so much as cold and remote and told me, when I asked how he was going, that if he had to decide today, our marriage would be over. He's been enjoying his solitude as I expected he would, but has also been thinking about all the wonderful possibilities his future might hold without me. But then, he wanted to go out to lunch with me at the local pub. I bottled up all my pain, stayed calm and open, put on a brave face and went with him, hoping to keep the communication lines open. He was OK at lunch, but not particularly talkative, then left as soon as we got back to the house. We talked about some random bits and pieces that would need to be addressed If we were to split among other ordinary topics, but nothing was decided and we did not argue or even disagree on anything.

So once again, my heart takes a beating. I feel so confused because he says one thing quite assertively based on how he feels today, but he isn't taking any action beyond running away to the sanctuary of an apartment, and then he still calls me and comes over when he doesn't need to, and that makes me see-saw painfully back and forth without really knowing my own mind. I have resolved to try to build myself an emotional wall and not take anything he says positive or negative to heart  until he comes out of the depression, but right now I hurt like hell.

Your suggestion that I need to work on myself is absolutely spot on and I have been trying to do so. I have read more self help books in the last couple of weeks than I have in a lifetime! I am questioning and refining my philosophies and values in life and rebuilding myself as a person from the ground up. I figure that will stand me in good stead whatever happens.

You were right on the arts and crafts too. I knit too and started painting again this week after 20 years. Yes you can easily undo mistakes in these things and I will keep that analogy in mind.

I can see that as much as I want to be there for him, to listen unconditionally and without judgement, I am too close to him to be that support. As you said, he needs to work his own life out, his way.

I know that, whatever happens, both he and I will come through this pain as wiser, better people, no matter the outcome of our marriage. There is no emotional and spiritual growth without adversity. He is a wonderful man and I hope that he finds a way through the suffering soon.

I have to find my own way and I am working on that. Today I feel like hiding under the doona and crying but I got myself dressed and ready to go to the local outdoor cinema with my parents. I will keep doing those special things for myself and maybe learn to enjoy them.

Thank you again Giggles. You have helped me more than I can express.

Best wishes

[Imagine]

Hi,

Just an update for those who have taken an interest in my story and kindly offered their advice and support.

Our relationship ended today. He sent me a text asking to come over tonight after he plays his weekly squash game, I knew then. I called him and asked why he wanted to come around, he said to talk, I said you have decided then, he said yes, I said it's over? He said Yes and that ended a 24 year relationship and a 21 year marriage.

I am devastated. I have seen my Dr today and got a referral to a psych but the road ahead is terrifying for me. I am too sick to work more than 2 days a week and earn just a little too much for the disability pension so I will be living on the breadline. Our house is still unfinished and needs a lot of work before we can sell it. He expects me to stay here and look after it for months, while he lives in his expensive rental apartment and comes out on weekends to work on the house. I don't get to have a say in the decision.

I don't know where this selfish person came from and I am devastated at his complete lack of compassion and empathy. He tells me he's been almost certain about leaving all this time but when I questioned him along the way he let me believe there was hope instead of telling me the truth. So I have been trying so hard to be supportive, taking care of all the responsibilities and giving him space, while he lied to me.

I am heartbroken and cannot imagine ever feeling like life is worth living again, at least the life of poverty, alone in a tiny unit, unable to drive (due to seizures) and unable to get out and meet people, travel and do all the things that make life worthwhile.

All out of hope and dreams.......... heart in a million pieces

[Gingerninja]

Hi imagine, 

I only joined today, but I have just read your whole story, along with the comments from the people here. 

I am so sorry to hear of the final outcome, you sound like such a warm, generous and kind person, who only deserves the best.

I am glad you have seen your dr and are going to see a psych, to help you with the grief and other emotions. 

I hope you will keep posting on here, and let people on here know how you are getting on.

ginger ninja x

[guest75]

Hi Imagine,

Im devastated for you to hear the final outcome of your story.  I truly feel for you and know exactly what you are currently feeling.

Please dont let your husbands decision make you feel less good about yourself.  This was his choice, nothing to do with you.  He obviously has something going on in his mind that you have no control over

Im glad to hear you are going to see a psych, it helped me a lot just to be able to talk things out

And to quote one of my favourite bands Pennywise "down with yours, im living my life for me" just remember that, dont let others actions drag you down, im trying to remember that everyday

I hope you choose to stick around here, and let the great folks here help you through this tough time

Matty

[Jo3]

Hi Imagine

My heart goes out to you, I am sorry things worked out this way.

I agree with Matty - don't let your husbands decision make you feel bad about yourself.

Good to see you are going to see a psych.  Please take care, thinking of you and hope you can come back on here.  

Jo

[Imagine]

Thank you so much Gingerninja, Matty and Jo. Your kindness really means a lot to me. It also helps a lot to hear this is not my fault. Both my specialist and my GP stressed the same thing to me this week, and it does help with the "what ifs..." and "I wish I had...." thoughts. I can honestly say I miss terribly and grieve deeply for the man I loved, but he is no longer that man, and I think he has changed forever. He's not depressed anymore, but he is a very different person. I don't love that person so at least I am not waiting, pining and hoping for a reconciliation.

I have already spoken to a counsellor today and made a psych appointment next week. I am trying hard to face this challenge head on and move onwards and upwards. Guess it can only go upwards from here. Matty, you are setting a wonderful example for me with your courage to face things and embrace all the changes and the new life you are rebuilding. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Thanks again for caring. Take care of yourselves too xxx

[geoff]

dear Imagine, while all of this was happening I was asleep, but that's no excuse for me being so, because this news is devastating.

We try our hardest to keep a relationship going, and by the way this isn't easy at all, sometimes we make sacrifices, and we do it for them, it goes unappreciated, these people just believe that it's only half hearted, if only they knew what strength it took us to even gather our ability to go this far, and then we are flushed down the toilet.

We are treated as mental, and this is only an expression used by many people, or the damn finger circles around the side of their face, and this is no way to treat somebody with depression.

Compassion and empathy can easily change from one day to the next, but how do we know that this can happen, well none of us know, and that's the problem.

I can only agree with the others, it's not your fault and you shouldn't be to blame, what it does mean is that he has NO willingness to comfort the hardships in a relationship, and I'm very sorry for this to have happened. L Geoff. x