How to help wife

Vulgar_Contender · ‎09-05-2017

Hi all,

My wife is suffering fairly severe depression and she is convinced that medication and counselling will not work. She seems adamant that there is no solution and that while medication may ease some symptoms, they will not address her issues of a deep dislike for herself (her words) and that it will never cure her depression and anxiety. I am worried that she may hurt herself and while I am not against taking drastic emergency action, I wanted to explore if there were any other options as she has said that she would be open to other avenues of treatment.

My wife has suffered for a good 15 years and sees this as her normal and does not believe that it can change.

I am at my wits end and any suggestions would be welcome!

BballJ · ‎09-05-2017

Hi Vulgar Contender,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

Sorry to read what your wife is going through, depression is so tough and sounds like she has been battling for years. I understand she says nothing will work, has she actually tried counselling or has she just dismissed it in general? If she has done counselling, how many has she seen? One thing I have noticed as a theme on these forums and from my own experience, if you do not find the right counsellor and one you click with then when you go to the session it is just a waste of time.

Is there possibly an option to get her to sign up to the forums like yourself and maybe start a thread or even speak to others with depression so she can see she isn't alone in this battle and there is help out there for her?

Please also refer to the Supporting someone with anxiety or depression tag at the top of the page it is under "the facts" section, which may also give you more insight into supporting your wife, glad to read you are also ready to take drastic emergency action if she has thoughts about self harm or anything along those lines. You sound like a great husband so please keep supporting her, you're doing a great job.

My best for you and your partner,

Jay

Vulgar_Contender · ‎10-05-2017

Thanks for the response Jay.

Yes she has tried both medication and couselling in the past but it did not work for her - I know she has to keep trying but it is hard to convince her of this. She almost booked an appointment to a GP yesterday but then cancelled.

I feel like I have read 1000's of articles and online resources and nothing quite fits or seems to help.

romantic_thi3f · ‎10-05-2017

Hi Vulgar Contender,

Thanks for your post.

I appreciate you trying to get some help and support for your wife; it sounds like she's been struggling with this for a long time.

Can I ask what's happened when she tried the medication and counselling?

15 years is a long time to struggle with depression, especially without support such as therapy. I understand that she has a 'deep dislike of herself' - does she talk about this often? How does the depression affect her such as behaviour; i.e. withdrawing from things, crying a lot, etc. Is this something you can both talk about freely?

Obviously and sadly, getting help is something that people have to decide on their own; they need to be motivated to seek help. Does the risk of being let down again by another therapist outweigh the possibility that another one could be helpful? These are questions that might come up in conversation to help her decide and encourage her to try again.

I'd also encourage you to talk about your concerns of her hurting herself; do you think this is likely? Have you talked about it before? It's important that you and your wife feel safe.

geoff · ‎10-05-2017

hello Vulgar Contender, does it seem like she is pushing everything away with regards to her depression and if so she could be in denial, refusing to believe that medication and/or counselling would do her any good.
Suffering for 15 years is a long time for her to go through, plus it means that she has been a handful for yourself, because any suggestions you mention to her she refuses to accept, it's like a big black wall separating the two of you, and you know what's happening is that she is bringing you down with her, unintentionally, but this has to happen, because you are doing everything you can for her to realise she needs help.
What I mean is that now you have to look after yourself first of all, you can't forget that, so can I suggest you visit your doctor and maybe get a referral to see a psychologist, because I can only imagine what you are going through, that's not to say I'm forgetting about your wife, I've been there myself and I know what she is struggling with.
There are different programs she can go to, but is she willing to do this such as contacting 'ReachOut'as well as and Beyond Blue, and if not then I'll have to approach your post in another way, but please look after yourself and please get back to us. Geoff.

BballJ · ‎10-05-2017

Hi Vulgar Contender,

It is so tough when the person who needs the help keeps pushing back and I can see how tough it is on you. I think partly you need to keep directing and suggesting things for her to do, does she know you are on Beyond Blue seeking help at all?

My best,

Jay

Vulgar_Contender · ‎11-05-2017

Hi All

Thank you for taking the time to respond. She pretty much flat out refuses external treatment. I am looking at ways to do things at home between us to help her get to a better place at least for now then hopefully when she is feeling a bit better.

Geoff - I already have a psychologist I see so I am trying to keep myself in the best place mentally as I also have a history of depression.

Again, thank you for all taking the time to respond.