How to help when no help is wanted?

[Andrew-P]

Hello all.

I am glad this forum exists, Beyond Blue exists and you all come and share your thoughts. Its nice to know we are not alone.

I have moved to Australia with my wife this year. She has always suffered from anxiety. So much that it gets in the way of her hapiness. She worries about every little thing and every little obstacle in her life becomes a reason for panicking and running away. Her parents noticed the syntoms when she was very ill, back in the day when she was a teenager. Since then, she has been to psychologists and these have reffered psychiatrists. She never went to a psychiatrists though. She is sure there is no hope for her and that we all need to accept that is who she is and that there is no changing that... I guess she is right from that perspective and I wouldn't be trying different ways to help if she were in peace with who she is. She suffers, she claims she is always sad and that the little hapiness she has in little moments are always supressed by the feelings of failure, fraud, and so on.

I would like to ask you what is the best way to help her? I have been to psychologists with her, but she claims they can't help her and that the reason she is going is because of me, not because of her. I have tried letting it go and allowing it to be, but it always comes back to tears, sadness and screaming when any challange comes her way. Several here have felt like this before. Feeling hopeless and not wanting help from anyone. Feeling like it is best to be alone...

What are you advices in how to deal with this? How to help her? How to show her she is not alone (like she claims) and that there are ways in which she can live without all this pain inside her?

Thank you.

[white knight]

Hi Andrew, welcome

Youve actually asked a very difficult question.

No one kmows if her issues (with you) are psychiatrically based from her or relationship based, i.e that the same issue would occur if she had no mental illess.

A suggextion to herthat you both attend a relationship counselor should be welcomed if its suggested to her. If not then the issue of stubborness or pride is the problem. Isolating the issue is a means of identifying it and thats half your battle

That's your side. Without kniwing her side its hard but, having bipolar and depression with anxiety myself I can generally say that we fight within ourselves so much that if conflict comes or blame directed then we can explodes. Why is this?

I'd suggest , again in general terms, that our tolerances are low. Our bucket is full then overflows easily whereas normal people have an empty bucket and rarely overflows. This "state" is tender, fragile and we all have to live with it. You might need to develop more tact and she might need more tolerance.

Listed below are some threads that might help. Google them.

Topic: is there room for stubborness?- beyondblue

Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue

Topic: relationship strife? The peace pipe- beyondblue

Topic- how I eliminated anxiety- beyondblue

Cheers. Post anytime

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Andrew~

I'm sorry you are in this position. There is no way I can advise you, all I can do is offer some thoughts.

In part I can relate to your wife's symptoms. I have had anxiety and other illnesses for a very long time. This has influenced me in many ways, I'll mention two.

When in a depressed state I have felt that nothing is worth trying, that whatever happens will do no good, and coupled with exhaustion and feeling I'm not worth it I would be incapable of doing anything. Maybe I'm not explaining that very well.

I can also say fear of failure is something very hard to face, often I do not want to embark on something that means a lot to me. Coming fact to face with the idea I could not improve my condition would be devastating, I still hope therapy, meds, circumstances and time will help me improve more.

This is frankly a guess: that a combination of the above may be part of the reason your wife does not want to go to a psychiatrist. You are in a better position to judge.

I do know I have been to psychiatrists over a very long time and they, plus medication, plus support at home, plus removal of the original cause (my employment) have put me in a very much better place than I was, not 100% cured, but ok. I have been to psychologists too, without the same benefit.

That being said I'm not the same as your wife.

One important thing was my treatment took my active participation, I was motivated to get better as the status quo was too unpleasant to be borne.

I suppose if you knew the outcome of psychiatric treatment then deciding what to do would be easier. Unfortunately as far as I know (I'm not a doctor, just someone with a MH problem) there is no real way of predicting success or failure in individual cases.

If I was faced with this situation one thing I might do is talk to the psychologists that have treated your wife, and to the psychiatrists they recommend, before thinking further.

Another factor is time. Your wife's feelings now, after moving to the other side of the world, away from all she's used to, may change with your continued loving support. As Tony says, her 'bucket' may be full to overflowing at the moment.

You have my good wishes and hopes that you are granted the wisdom (and luck) you need. You know you can talk here as often as you'd like. You are right, you are not alone.

Croix

[Andrew-P]

Dear Tony and Croix,

I really appreciate your replies. I agree with all you said.

In reply to your query, Tony, we have been to councilling before. It was helpful to isolate the problems, yes. She tells me she feels this way when she is alone and she felt this way in past relationships. Basically she's been feeling this way for the past 15 years. I cannot imagine how hard it must be...

Yes guys, her bucket is definetely full. She has been working a lot here and haven't had time to socialize and do other activities. She is quiting one job though - so she'll have more time in a couple of weeks.

I will do what you suggested and talk to a phychiatrist about us - but again, even if he wants to see her and talk to her, she does not. I don't want to push her into doing that, but it is also hurtful to see how much she suffers.

All the best guys, your examples light up hope 🙂

Andy