How to get information across to my husband

[Jo3]

Hi there,

If someone can give me some advice pls on how to get my husband to read up on information on depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder.

I have been suffering these mental illnesses for 3 yrs now and my husband just doesn't get it.  He doesn't understand what it's like for me to be depressed and to behave in a negative way because of BPD.

I have tried to get him to read on line information but he would be in it.  I found a BB booklet that I had from last year and he looked at the cover and that was it.

 I don't know what else to do apart from dragging him to my GP or psych, which I don't think he will be happy about coming.

Ive tried explaining it to him a while ago and he turned around and said it's my problem and that was it.

 I feel so lonely without my husbands support, just wish he could understand.  If he just sat down and read some information on depression and borderline personality disorder he may understand how I am feeling/coping.

 Hope someone can give me some advice.

Thanks

Jo

[Stephen123]

Hi Jo, I,m sorry but the first thing that jumps into my mind is the phrase, you can take a horse to water.

all I can think of to say is I love my wife, she is my carer but I think she lives in a different world to me and I think it,s important that she does. She doesn't want to live in the world of depression, self help and counselling and to be honest I don,t blame her. She,s living in her sane, competent, professional world, while I,m in my obsessive therapy intense world. She does admit to having anxiety now and again. My wife has been yelling at me for coming on here obsessively. No matter what gets said or what happens I must always remember that my wife stood by me when I,ve been at my lowest point. She has raised me up countless times. She has been my rock. 

Jo maybe this is your husbands way of coping with things, sure it would be nice if he could be the ultimate supportive husband that went to therapy with you or even just took some interest in a pamphlet, but I think that is for mills and boon and not the reality of life.

Maybe you could slowly introduce him to the pamphlet. Take him out for dinner maybe and slip the pamphlet under his desert bowl. Sorry I don,t know Jo. I,m male.

[Jo3]

Thanks Stephen for your honesty.

You know maybe my husband doesn't know how to handle the situation, how to handle me.  I must admit it would be pretty hard to live with someone who has depression, anxiety and has borderline personality disorder.

Maybe this is his way of coping - by going round the house and complaining about the mess.  

I really don't know what else to do; maybe the dinner thing is not a bad idea.

Thanks again, take care

Jo

[Stephen123]

I,m really sorry Jo that was a terrible reply to your post, it was rushed off the top of my head and not thought through.

This is quite a question to try and answer from a male perspective and I must admit I,m somewhat stumped. Truth is your husband should be taking you out to dinner, reading all the material possible about your illness and supporting you in every way he can. Maybe he needs a shove from a different direction. One thought I had was if he asked you what you want for Christmas just tell him you want him to read the booklet properly and just give you some understanding. I don,t think that is much to ask for. I can understand your frustration Jo . I must admit I read up a bit on bpd, I just googled it, your husband really does need to read it and ingest it. Do you think it is possible for someone that has never experienced any form of mental illness to have empathy with someone that has? Good luck Jo and once again I,m really sorry

[Jo3]

Hey Stephen

That's okay, don't worry.

You know, I am scared, really scared because I don't know what the future will be like.  I do love my husband but there is so much negative thoughts running through my head. It's a bit emotional. Damn emotions and hormones!!!!!

I'm actually seeing my psych tomorrow afternoon so I will talk with him and see what he thinks I should do.

We've been married 27 yrs and the thought of us splitting up would be devastating. And it would be all my fault - I'm the one with depression, anxiety and BPD.

I actually just wrote on another forum for BPD sufferers and asked the guy who runs the forum if he would be prepared to talk to my husband and explain BPD to him. 

Gosh, I just don't know what to do - maybe I'll wait until tomorrow's session and then see what to do.  I know my husband loves me so much and I am pretty sure he wouldn't leave me - but I can see there is a bit of a strain at the moment.

I always get scared to start a conversation that includes things like this because I fear that he may say something that I don't like.  For eg. a few months ago I said if he would like to come with me to a session with psych and he replied - no it's okay you're the one with the problem.  Great that's what I really needed to hear!!

 I'm sorry Stephen I'm feeling a bit flat tonight. I just feel like breaking down completely; it still feels like I am holding in a bit.  Even though yesterday I said I feel different (which I still do) there is still some bits that are holding on to me. Bit hard to explain.

Jo

[Stephen123]

Hi Jo, good that you get to see the psych tomorrow, he sounds like a really good psych. It also sounds like you have prioritised a few things to talk about. This is a good plan. If I have an issue I just offload to my doctors and they have not let me down with any advice yet. I actually hang on their every word. I hope you have a good session tomorrow, I hope you offload a lot and I hope you get good advice in return. Rather than being scared of the future is there a chance that you might be confusing scared with a little bit excited by the prospects of the future. Good luck Jo hope you go well, good night.

[Jo3]

Hi Stephen,

Maybe you're right about being scared - I don't know what the future will bring. No one knows.  And part of me is scared but maybe I am confusing it with excited.  I don't know.  I really want this to work, I want my marriage to work, I can't be on my own. He can't leave me like my parents did (oh this is so stupid, now I'm crying). You know it's probably just me over reacting with things.  I just wish I never ever remembered any of the abuse.

Wish I wasn't going to work today, but i need to.  Better go and get ready.

Have a nice day Stephen

Jo

[Stephen123]

It,s ok Jo just let it out, try and enjoy something at work today, try and do something nice for yourself at lunchtime. Try and have a good day, good luck Jo and have a great session at the psych.

[Jo3]

Hey Stephen,

Well my day wasn't too bad, kept busy at work in pharmacy.  Just being myself serving customers, talking to them and doing my job.

OK, now for my session with psych:  I don't know anymore about anything.  I feel like crying, like breaking down.  I walked in there feeling down thinking about my husband and what he's being doing at home,.  I told my psych about how he rants and raves and it makes me feel like a hopeless wife.  My psych replied that I have NO empathy towards my husband.  He says I don't understand what it's like for him to be with me suffering depression, anxiety and bpd.  By this stage i was sitting there with arms crossed and slouched on the chair not really interested in what he had to say.  I was so pissed off with him because he says things that I don't want to hear.

I told him I don't want to be left alone, and he said no he won't abandon you but you need to start thinking about him and the kids - how are they coping living with me,

 I wanted to sit there and cry so much feeling sorry for myself but I didn't .  I held it in. My psych said that when i start to improve in myself then the family will also.

Great so now I feel hopeless, a wife who doesn't give a **** about my husband or kids and all i think about is myself.

I don't know what to do anymore, i thought i had changed a bit but now i feel like i am back to square 1.

 I don't know how to be more empathic to the family; i thought i was but apparently not.

 Feeling very flat and can't get out of it.

Jo

[Jo3]

Hey Stephen

I wrote back to you last night about session with psych but I don't know what's happened to it as it's not on here.

Hopefully it will come up soon and you can have a read.

I've emailed my psych last night and asked for another session on Sat.  He has agreed so I need to work on what I am going to say to him.

Talk later

Jo