How do I support my daughter through depression & social anxiety

[JAG24499]

My 17yr old daughter suffers from depression & social anxiety, she is constantly talking to me about how she has no friends & her boyfriend that has asked for a break because she is negative about everything.

When I offer helpful suggestions all I get is an excuse or negative feedback. She has told me straight out that she thinks what she is going through is our fault & I've been dead inside since she said it.

I just don't know how to help her, if I suggest ways of getting out there to meet people eg. going to gym with me, I'm seen as picking on her weight. Doesn't matter what I do or say there's always a negative comeback.

[blondguy]

Hello Jag

Welcome to the forums and good on you for posting too!

I understand your pain you are going through with your daughter. Everything you say or do seems to be responded with that negative you mentioned.

My daughter is 23 and I have the same situation even though she wanted to be independent and moved out.

If I may ask you Jag, has your daughter been diagnosed with depression and/or social anxiety?

It will help me help you more effectively if I knew her status (only if you wish of course)

I know its not much consolation but every time you get that negative response your daughter does 'get it' that you care about her a great deal. The negatives are a pain for sure but best ignored as not to engage the anger/frustration she has inside at the moment.

I am only a volunteer here Jag and trying to assist with my life experience. There are many kind people that can be here for you if you even need a chat 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[geoff]

hello JAG, it is awful when you are trying to help your daughter but all the help you offer is turned down or rejected, so a stale-mate occurs, especially when she blames you and that would be so disappointing and very hurtful, because as a mother you only want to help her through this.
Being 17 is a difficult year because that's when they want to have b/friends, go out and socialise and probably drink some alcohol while waiting to get her licence, so she believes that she knows best in all her situations, so this makes it very difficult to communicate with her.
As much as she has said to you, it's very hard to dismiss her comments, but you know deep down it's not what she actually means, because teenagers do say anything that comes to their mind first without even thinking the hurt it may cause.
While I was going through divorce and selling our home my youngest son said he hated me as well as the ex, although he was a bit older by a couple of years, but slowly I regained the love that was always there.
Losing her b/friend would be creating all of this, which I'm sure is the main issue, and certainly couldn't be any fault of yours, but that's who she is taking her anxiety and depression, which I'm sorry for, but if you suggest for her to contact her b/friend and tell him that she is going to have therapy, then it could reignite the r/ship, but at the moment I wouldn't be asking her to join you at the gym, she will join you when she wants to and to ignore any bad comments she has said back to you, she doesn't really mean them, because all she is doing is blowing off her steam. Geoff.

[JAG24499]

Hi blondguy, thanks for your response.

Yes she has been diagnosed with depression & social anxiety, she has been on antidepressants for at least one year now. She is much better( no suisidal thoughts ect), but as she has just finished school she had this expectation that everything was going to be great now, good job, happy with her boyfriend ect. But as it turns out she hates her job, her boyfriend just can't take anymore negativity & she has no friends. And because she has no friends I am the one she comes to when she wants to vent (which I don't mind, am happy that she feels comfortable to do this) . But as much as I love that she comes to me, I really hate saying this but it's doing my head in because like I said in earlier post, she listens to what I have to say but always replies with negativity or excuses.

[Boo1986]

Hi Jag,

Thanks for being a good mum and trying to do the best you can. It's not easy and so often even if you are doing everything right it will seem like you're getting no-where. Don't give up and try to forget about her negative responses as I'm sure she doesn't mean them, and one day when she is doing better she will be able to express her gratitude for everything you have done.

My best advice is, ask her. I can give you a million ideas (things that worked for me when I was her age, and things that are working for my little sis who is nearly 17 and going through similar) but things that work for others may not be what she needs. Just have a chat and ask her if there is anything specific she wants from you, maybe she doesn't want to go to the gym but has been thinking about doing another activity with you but doesn't know how to ask. This will give her an opportunity to tell you if she has been thinking about anything and even just a time to chat in general. If she can't think of anything, maybe give her 3 options and ask her which one she would hate least... you might not end up doing this one with her, but it may spark a train of thought where she can come up with something she would really enjoy.

Also, perhaps it is worth suggesting to her to join the forums to speak to people who understand where she is coming from. This can be a great place for her to vent and would mean you have some help supporting her as I'm sure this is taking a toll on you and you are important too

xo

[Vladimir]

So Paul, this is positive, when I get the palm in my face, eye roll etc they are listening (I have two young adults with body issues and anxiety) do I continue to offer ideas, or even keep the conversation of the correlation up. I always think they are, well they are smart and just dismiss my suggestions as ignorance. But hey, I'm the one researching endlessly