How do I respond to............

Saska · ‎26-08-2014

Hi All

I am trying to support a few friends with depression. One friend in particular is very special to me and is going through a huge rough patch.

How do I respond to him:

* Pushing me away? Is this a common trait of people with severe depression?

* Saying things like " I am struggling right now but you don't need to know about that" ...... How do I say that I do want to know about it and I am more than willing to listen and support him without sounding patronizing? He doesn't seem to believe it is possible for someone to care.

Thank you

Saska

Willsdog · ‎31-08-2014

Hi Saska. It appears that no-one has responded to you so I will give it a go.

Depression is an insidious condition that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Deep depression deprives a person of the ability to do anything. Many depressed people will push away those close to them. It is not because they don't want you around but because they are going through so much internal turmoil that they entire world is focused on how they are feeling and they ignore the world around them. They are in such emotional pain and despair that they retreat into their own private hell. Because they can no longer enjoy the things that made them fell good they wrap themselves in a cacoon. People who are struck with depression for the first time think that no-one could possibly understand what they are going through. It is extremely important that friends, especially those who have been through depression share their experience with your friend. It is equally important to that your friend be made to understand that with treatment he can regain his old life and live again. He must be given reasons for hope in the future. There is no reason for him to live in misery. There are so many excellent medications available that will pull him out if his dark place. It is important they you stay close to him regardless of what he says. This will benefit him in the long term. He will need friends like you to help him get back into the light. Be supportive. Don't say things like "I know how you feel" or "snap out of it" because unless you have been there you can have no comprehension of what he is going through. People in a deep depression for a long time will not get better unless they seek professional help and go onto an anti-depressant medication. The road will be long and hard but if he seeks help, takes his medication he will get better and love life again. It does not happen overnight. anti-depressants don't make you feel better the minute you pop a pill. It sounds like your friend has been depressed for a long time. His recovery will take a while. If he takes anti-depressants as prescribed he should start to feel better after 2 to 3 weeks. Explain to him that there is no shame in being depressed. It happens to the best of us. The real strength in a person is their willingness to treat their depression. He is no less a person because he is depressed. He is not weak.

Willsdog · ‎31-08-2014

I ran out of room so I have entered another reply. Depression is a condition like diabetes. If he had diabetes he would get treatment wouldn't he? So many great and famous people struggled with depression. Some examples: Singer Billy Joel, Astronaut Buzz Aldrin who walked on the moon, Actor Harrison Ford, Singer Olivia Newton-John and British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill. These are all great people who have contributed so much to our world. Your friend is not alone. Help him to understand that he is one among many who struggle with this condition. Help him understand that you care deeply for him and that you want your friend back, the old happy friend. One more thing. If you friend drinks a lot of alcohol or takes illegal drugs he must stop. Alcohol and illegal drugs actually cause depression and will prevent him from recovering. I hope I have answered your question and I hope your friend gets the help he needs.

Saska · ‎03-09-2014

Hi Willsdog

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question. I appreciate it.

I guess everyone with depression is different. I need people around me. He seems to want to be alone and feels he shouldn't burden anyone with his problems. Yet what he doesn't realise no matter how many times I say it is that I want to listen and support him because I care for him. I want to show him I care yet am afraid that might scare him off even more. I thought about sending him a card with a burnt CD of some music he would like and just saying " I look forward to shouting you a coffee next time you are up this way". But would hate for this to make him run even further away.

It's always me contacting him too. Would that be normal? Am guessing he doesn't feel energetic enough, or happy enough to try to keep in touch with me. It seems to me he doesn't think he deserves anyone caring for him.

It's a really hard balance between showing I care and smothering him. I thought an email or a text maybe twice a week might be enough to let him know I care. He also seems to start the process of a forming a relationship with a lady, then backs right off.

He doesn't take illegal drugs but he does drink a bit at times.

Thanks for your answer Willsdog

Saska

geoff · ‎04-09-2014

dear Saska, I'm so sorry that your post has been missed and this is not on purpose, there are times of the day that the site receives a great quantity of people seeking help, and if they all come one after the other then posts like yours are pushed over to the next page, and then the page after that, so it can happen so quickly that people don't check any responses on further pages, so please I apologise to you.

What I do like is what Willsdog has said to you because he/she is spot on, so there's not much else to contribute, but I will give it a go, and what I do say is to add to what Willsdog has said and I may repeat the exact words.

Anyone with depression especially in a marriage or partnership, but also being single, don't want to put their close friends or family involved simply because they fear that they will upset them or perhaps get them involved in something which they believe they either can't help them or don't know how to handle it.

This includes that 9/10 times they certainly don't want to be asked question after question because this infuriates them and makes them more anxious and just want to climb into the hole even deeper.

I can't see any reason why saying 'look forward to shouting you a coffee next time you are up this way', because this is not encroaching too much on them, but it also gives him a feeling that he does have someone who cares for him, not that he would actually think that, so how can I explain this.

Well it's too much to think through, so it's just like having a teddy bear, you may not say to teddy that I know that you love you, but it's something that you just grab, because it's there in the background.

It's very seldom that he will contact you, and only when there has been a real connection between the both of you, so it's the carer, if I can call you this at the moment, that does the contact, and as much as you want to do this on a daily basis, it's not advisable, because it will again annoy him, which is not how you mean it to be, but it's the same as asking him question after question.

It puts you in a catch 22 situation, because his safety is prime concern for you, but it's a very delicate position.

One thing you could do is to ask him if he has a doctors appointment, or perhaps ask him who his doctor is, and the GP can suggest a medicare plan where he gets 10 free visits to see a psych.

Words are running out so I hope that you can reply back. L Geoff, x

Saska · ‎04-09-2014

Hi Geoff

Thank you so much for your reply. No need to apologise for my post not getting many responses. I appreciate you and Willsdog taking the time to answer me.

What you say makes sense. I am guessing that is why he has stopped telling me about his depression and how he feels (Since we met up in person) because he knows how much I care. Before that it was just chatting online and on the phone so it wasn't so personal. Now he just says things like " My body is broken but you don't need to know about that". Point is I do want to know. I do want to support and help him.

I guess chatting women up on facebook is easier for him too as he can act like nothing is wrong, or tell them his problems and they are all people he doesn't really know.

Every now and then he sends me some connection sms or email. Like the other day he sent me a photo of a bottle of wine we had bought together. BUT when I responded about lucky him etc I got no further sms. That seems to always be the case. If on the odd occasion he does sms me, when I respond I rarely ever get a response back, nor any dialogue. He told me he was getting a horse. I tried to show interest in this and ask some questions about it and got no response. This happens every time. Why is this?

Geoff I sent the CD so fingers crossed, prayers, positive thoughts etc that it has positive effect as it was meant to cheer him up and let him know I care without smothering.

How are you going Geoff?

Saska xx