How do I protect the Children

Amy400 · ‎08-05-2017

Hello, first time poster. I feel like my husbands depression is destroying our family. It's been 18 mths of doctors, meds, hospital and even ECT. His mood swings are awful, it's like living with Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. He has very little to do with the kids and me, not interested in family outings or taking much interest in the kids school life. He also hates the puppy which we got for the kids last year, and wants me to get rid of it. This is extremely distressing for the children. I am struggling to support my husband ( it's just not nice to be around him sometimes)but protect the kids and give them the happy childhood that they deserve. All this plus work to pay the mortgage, all the cleaning and house duties as well. He can't even mow the lawn, so I have started that too. I see no end in sight and need some guidance. There is not much joy in this existence.

Amy400 · ‎10-05-2017

Hi Mark, as in a lot of cases of depression, he has pushed all friends and family out of his life. He has no one but me.

Winterfell · ‎11-05-2017

Hi Amy

alcohol will interfere with his meds so thats a really tricky one - its like going to the gym then going home and eating a cheesecake, he is undoing his therapy and meds if he drinks to excess. Alcohol can be a big depressant, initially the person might feel a lift but then its downhill. Can you leave a brochure for him or perhaps attend an appointment with him?. My husband would have irritable outbursts after drinking so we learnt the hard way that it was making him go backwards - now he can have an occasional night out or few drinks but he went booze free for a good few months.

I guess thats his decision too - maybe stay away when he is drinking so you arent as affected, mention again to his psychiatrist that its an ongoing issue. If he isnt drinking then try to have some quality time doing something low key like watching a movie or something that he enjoys.

its great to see you posting, sometimes it just helps to know you are not alone xox

Amy400 · ‎11-05-2017

Thanks Winterfell, it is good to know that I am not the only one going through this.

I do feel pretty alone still sometimes. My sister, brother and I made the gut wrenching decision to put our Mother in a nursing home a week ago. Not once during this week has hubby stopped to see how I was going or how Mum was. I feel incredibly sad that his support is not there due to this stupid disease.

MarkJT · ‎12-05-2017

Amy, even though he has pushed his friends away, I would think there would be some of them that would still help you out.

When it is looked at as a whole, what have you or they got to lose? You hubby is on a self destructive path and action needs to be taken.

Perhaps just sound a couple of them out and get their thoughts?

Mark

Winterfell · ‎18-05-2017

Hope you are doing okay Amy, you have a lot on your plate right now. Your husband wont see the needs and pains of others as well as usual when he is low. My husband was the same. You might need to be really transparent about what you want and need emotionally and to make a judgement call about whether he has that capacity right now or whether he is too low. If i complain my husband often turns it in on himself - he has guilt and feels a bit like a burden when he is down, but I stop him and say, this isn't about you, I just need a hug and someone to tell me its okay. He can do that and I feel better.

Can you manage a few hours or 1/2 day off work to get to an appointment? In the early days with my husband it helped hugely, he is high functioning so I didnt realise actually how badly he was depressed until we saw psychiatrists and psychologists together.

Amy400 · ‎28-05-2017

Hi Winterfell, things have been going ok. He had another ECT treatment on Friday and has not been great since,

last night the delightful combination of too many beers, depression meds and lack of food provided a pretty awful scenario of him telling me to shut up as I tried to prevent him from relieving himself in the corner of the lounge room, then nearly falling down the stairs as he could hardly walk.

Luckily my 9y.o daughter was having a sleepover at a friends house, but my poor 11y.o boy witnessed his dad like this. It's just not fair on them. I think I have hit my theshold, but worried what might transpire if i ask him to move out.

At my wits end right now.

MarkJT · ‎28-05-2017

Amy, that kind of behavior is not acceptable. Like the video above and Dr Kim's words, boundaries need to be set and if you have set them, re-set them.

You deserve so much more and you can only help so much. One of my favorite sayings is, "You can lead the sheep to water, you cannot make them drink it". This basically means, you can love and support someone all you want, but unless they are willing to take clinical and prescribed medicinal (not alcohol) support, it makes it exceptionally difficult to recover.

Even though it is very difficult exercise to recover from mental health conditions, it can be done, without doubt, it can be done but the person subjected to the condition must want to and must engage with recovery. Cutting or preferably removing alcohol is crucial, as is diet and exercise. That is one part, another is engaging with psychs and GPs. They are the experts and have the abilities to point you in the right directions and advise what to do.

I have known people who have admitted that they held back on their psych visits. They said bits and pieces but not everything that is going on and it is no coincidence that they have not recovered as well as others. Again, you have to engage with them, honestly and openly.

I am saying all of this because you need to know what it takes to recover. It is not easy - you have to hit it head on, not 50%, not 70%, not 90% but 100%. Mental health conditions are insidious, nasty, soul destroying and ruthless.

I fear that if you have set boundaries, they are not being respected and if you do set boundaries, they will not be honored. You have to protect your kids and yourself. If you are concerned about domestic violence at all, there are a lot of resources available to you to help guide you through this.

So sorry that you have found yourself in this situation.

Mark.

Winterfell · ‎30-05-2017

Oh Amy he is being so self destructive by drinking on the treatment. Mark is right, his behaviour is unacceptable. You do need to put yourself and the kids first. If he is unable to cut the alcohol does he have a dependency do you think? He may need more support around this, maybe an admission to hospital but if he is unwilling to stop that is a real risk that he will cross more and more boundaries. I wish you had better news but I think it might be time to put your foot down.