How do I protect the Children

[Amy400]

Hello, first time poster. I feel like my husbands depression is destroying our family. It's been 18 mths of doctors, meds, hospital and even ECT. His mood swings are awful, it's like living with Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. He has very little to do with the kids and me, not interested in family outings or taking much interest in the kids school life. He also hates the puppy which we got for the kids last year, and wants me to get rid of it. This is extremely distressing for the children. I am struggling to support my husband ( it's just not nice to be around him sometimes)but protect the kids and give them the happy childhood that they deserve. All this plus work to pay the mortgage, all the cleaning and house duties as well. He can't even mow the lawn, so I have started that too. I see no end in sight and need some guidance. There is not much joy in this existence.

[MarkJT]

Amy, first off I want to welcome you to the forums in what is a very protective and caring place.

It is so terribly hard on you this situation so the first thing I want you to do is make sure that your own self care is good. It will obviously be taking a pretty decent toll on you so make sure that your diet is good, cut of lower alcohol intake, make time for yourself to exercise and practice some mindfulness. If you have never heard of mindfulness before, download the, "Smiling Mind" app and use it. It is guided so helps you learn it. You will be no good to the kids if you become completely run down, so please, make some time for you and look after yourself.

In regards to hubby, something is not adding up - is he engaging with his treaters? Is he taking his meds? Had he changed meds? What is his diet like? Does he exercise? Alchohol intake?

Overcoming a mental health condition requires more than just meds, it requires a whole of life approach where numerous different factors come into play. If you improve on all of these factors, you are giving yourself the best chance to overcome it and live a functioning life.

Does he have periods of quietness where you can talk to him without him getting angry? If so, this would be a great time to have a chat and discuss his health. Even though he says he hates the puppy, this could well be one of the keys as dogs have a huge role to play in helping us with mental health conditions. Has he attempted to bond with the puppy at all? Perhaps look up a dog trainer in the area and ask them how people bond with dogs. See if you can get him to do that when he is feeling somewhat okay?

The kids, obviously they need protection - they are your 2nd priority (as said before, you are #1 - if you are not good, makes it hard to look after the kids). I would get an appointment with the GP for you and discuss with the GP what is going on and how to look after the kids the best way.

I would also skip over to the Carers thread in these forums and drop a similar post. I think you will find there will be many other parents in there walking in the same shoes as you and can give you some great advice.

Sorry for all the questions but I think this will be a work in progress and we can chip away at what is going on and see if we can't make your life a bit easier for you.

Again, welcome to the forums, great that you are here and seeking advice.

Mark.

[geoff]

hello Amy, and thanks Mark for your great comment, and Amy it must be so diificult to try and help him, look after your kids, run the household and even have to mow the lawns, it's not easy and too demanding on you.
Has he been diagnosed, as it seems he may be suffering from BP, although I'm not qualified to say, but if you were my sister that's what I would be saying.
I worry that he is rejecting any possible help he is offered, unless he has been able to connect with a doctor/therapist, however I have my doubts, because he seems to refusing any help from anybody.
You are caught in between trying to help him and looking after everything including the welfare of your children, it's impossible for you to do all of this, because what is happening to you is that your trying to be strong, but deep down that's not how you feel and eventually you are going to crash, I know you don't want this to happen because of your children, but it's an illness that no one can stop, sure we learn on how to overcome it and eliminate any trigger points, but this isn't happening, so you need to contact your doctor and be referred to a psychologist.
This can happen when your doctor puts you on a mental health plan which entitles you to 10 free visits, as money maybe a big issue. Geoff.

[Amy400]

Thanks Mark and Geoff for your quick replies.

I have been very cautious to take care of me with daily walking and healthy eating and yoga and Pilates 3 days a week. ( managed to lose 10kg even!) I might work on the mindfulness a bit more. I have not considered seeing a GP for my mental health yet, but am worried about my 9 year old.

Hubby has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but not BP. He does engage with his doctors but I can't go to appointment as on my work days. It seems like it is mostly changing meds and dosages not much in talking/ counselling. He won't exercise, diet is terrible ( often won't eat with family at the table) and drinks way too much alcohol. I have talked to the Psychiatrist about this. Won't engage with the dog unless it's to shove her out of the way.

i am a pretty resilient person, and not unfamiliar with depression ( my Dad has suffered most of his adult life, and my Grandmother also). But recognise that I am not bullet proof either, so happy to seek medical help if required.

i will check out the carer forum posts too.

Cheers

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Amy400, 

I hope I have something that is going to be valuable for you . Its a 5 minute video of a highly respected researcher talking about the role of boundaries and empathy. I think you're going to love it (see bottom of this post).
 
Why?

Because it will give you the structure behind why it is so critical for you to put some boundaries around “what is ok and what is not ok" for you. It frames this not as you being bossy or selfish or mean but precisely the opposite. Because without clear boundaries we cannot be truly empathic. We are too caught up in the anger or distress that is induced by the other person to be really genuinely onboard emotionally for them. So it is way better to know your boundaries , apply them gracefully and then be really compassionate from within them . 
 
It seems to me that you need to sure up your boundaries with your husband in order to continue to be compassionate to him and continue to see him through his depression if that is your choice.
 
You and your children have a right to not be subjected to the continuing relentless displays of his illness and it is critical that his behaviours be contained. Yes he has a terrible condition but no, he does not have the entitlement to demand that his family be “destroyed” in the process of trying to support him . Maybe telling him clearly that you love him and desperately hope he can find the strength to work hard for better mental health, but you also love and respect yourself and you need to put some things in place to attend to your own health ( and joy !) - both physical and mental.
 
I would strongly suggest a couples counsellor or even a family therapist if your kids are up to it so that he can understand what boundaries are required around the expression of his depression within the family home. 

[ro63]

Hi Amy , I am sorry to hear you have a lot to deal with at the moment ,I can only echo what ,Mark Geoff and Dr Kim have said in that he does need some help ,but so do you and it sounds like you are being the rock that is holding the family together which is fantastic for you and the kids,but like any rock it can be washed away over time so make sure you look after yourself first ,as the aircraft breifing tells us put your mask on first .with that being said it sounds like your hubbt needs some proffesional help and it can be hard to convince someone they need help if they are denying it .I have been there so I can imagine what he is going through ,if he wont get professional help maybe suggest or get a friend or family member to suggest to him these forums as he can remain anonomus and get some worry of his chest ,I hope this helps and I wish you all the very best ,but also don't forget we are here for you too .You have to look after yourself first .Catch you soon Amy Best wishes .Ross

[Winterfell]

Big hugs to you Amy this is a hard time you are having. My kids were 7 and 9 when my husband was first hospitalised with his depression last year. Its been a rocky road, this forum was helpful for me in the early days when I was exhausted and struggling. Lots of good advice like seeing the depression as something to fight together, not trying to fix things but looking after myself first and foremost, accept that there are things I can control but others that I cant, support my husband without pushing him, know when to withdraw and regroup for my own sanity etc.

I would get out with my kids on the weekend and do things I enjoyed - go to a park or movies, go to the shops, visit friends and family. I have a very close friend who I leaned on heavily for support plus my mum. With my kiddos I watched a you tube story reading from a book called the colour thief - about a Dad with depression told from his sons point of view.We had a big talk about Dads depression and sad-mad from inside out (my husband gets very irritable when he is profoundly depressed)

One thing that makes it hard is if our partners do things that are not conducive to good mental health like drinking or not taking meds. My husband has always tried his hardest to get well so in some regards its been very easy to see the depression as an outsider that we need to tackle as a team. Every now and then he seems to give up when he dips low again and I sometimes give him a bit of a pep talk sprinkled with tough love about how we need to remain hopeful and work together, I cant fight this battle for him but I can be on his team. He needs to keep doing things like mindfulness or going fishing and to try to be less critical and take it easy on himself. Your husband will need to fully engage with all elements of treatment if he wants to recover - meds, talk therapies and healthy living (diet, no booze for now, relaxation)

Does he know how you are feeling? sometimes couples counselling or attending appointments together can be helpful to have open dialogue.

wishing you strength

[MarkJT]

Amy, that is awesome what you are doing for yourself. So many people in your situation let themselves go and their physical and mental health plummets so again, great to hear.

Would definitely recommend getting some professional advice for your 9 year old though. Children are already under enough pressure as it is these days, do not need additional stress coming into their environment.

Mark.

[Amy400]

Hi Winterfall, thanks so much for your great reply. The "sad-mad" is a great description, I will use that.

The frustration I feel is that he is not fully engaging all elements of treatment. Sure he takes his meds and attends all appointments, but he refuses to exercise ( even small walks), often won't eat the healthy meals I cook, and thinks mindfulness is a crock of ..... and completely unwilling ( or unable) to ditch the booze. I don't think his doctors are doing much about these issues as part of his management. And if I mention it I get shot down in flames. And so the cycle continues.

[MarkJT]

Amy, are you close enough to any of his mates that you would be able to ask them to speak to him about it?

Mark