How do I help my young adult son?

[MumOfYoungAdult]

Thank you for listening. I’m the mother of a yound adult son who is ‘stuck in a rut’. This process started back in lockdown (2-3 years ago) . He has since cut himself off from friends (except for 2 that keep persisting with him), stays up very late because has trouble falling asleep, wakes up in the afternoon, stays in his room most of the day, is irritable and defensive, and in his own words ‘has no joy in his life’.

He is surrounded by supportive family and extended family members who love him unconditionally. Unfortunately, he refuses to seek professional help or see a GP.  He’s a very intelligent person with so much potential, and is a thoughtful empathetic person who has lost the belief in himself and seems overwhelmed with fear (?) and hopelessness. It breaks my heart to see him like this. How can we help our beautiful son to move forward? Every conversation we have with him is futile…

[therising]

Hi MumOfYoungAdult

First, I just have to say how blessed your son is to have a mum who cares so deeply, someone who'll explore whatever it takes in helping make a difference to him. I'm a believer that love is found in evolution. The depth of our love for someone can be witnessed in how much we wish for them to evolve through and beyond their struggles and how much action we take in making that happen.

As a mum myself, I've found that while it may be one thing to raise a child, it's a whole other experience raising a deeply feeling child. My 18yo son and 21yo daughter can sense so much of what can be felt in life. They're sensitive people, much like myself. Sensitivity can be complex. When you can sense your own depressing inner dialogue (coming from your inner critic), sense the lack of dopamine and other chemistry in your body and sense a lack of the kind of inspiration that feeds the soul, sensitivity becomes a mind/body/soul experience that can definitely be felt. It can also become about a depressing lack of mental, physical and natural energy.

COVID lockdowns did terrible things to a lot of people, especially young people. They're typically such energetic creatures. It was my daughter who suffered mostly out of my 2 kids during that time. With a lack of structure (thanks to remote learning), a lack of socialising or social stimulation, a lack of physical connection and joy to be felt with friends, a whole stack of depressing stuff on the news and social media etc, each ingredient added up to a recipe for depression and what came to be social anxiety when the lockdowns were over. My son suffered differently, developing greater focus issues without a lack of solid structure (he's on the high end of the autism spectrum). While the way the Victorian government managed lockdowns and mental health angered me, what angers me more is the lack of guidance they could have offered when it came to 'How to manage coming out of the depressing side effects of lockdowns'. It was kind of like 'Here, manage suppression (of emotions), oppression and depression and, by the way, good luck with that, you're on your own'.

While I experienced depression myself beyond the 1st lockdown, my kids and I came to find that the way to make our way out of this mentally and emotionally challenging time was with tiny steps. One tiny, relatable and manageable step at a time became the way to go. While a tiny step may involve getting your son out of his room, such a step could come with raising the energy level in his room. If he's a music lover and you've got the money, you could suggest you and he go off to buy him a stereo with decent speakers. Sound quality can make a huge difference to how we feel music. A careful choice of music will be key, nothing that sounds depressing. My own son's a real 'sound' kind of guy and a bit of an old soul. He thrives on hearing jazz albums and early funk on a turntable he purchased some years back. Not sure whether your son would be into guided meditation through good quality headphones. Could be worth a go. What difference could you make to the room? Maybe a new doona cover, a plant, some sound, oil diffuser, lava lamp or something else. To lift someone's spirits even just a millimeter is something that can be felt, as opposed to trying to raise them a whole meter at a time (to reach achievements they have no energy with which to reach). Luring him out with food he enjoys could be another one, then suggesting you start cooking some things together.

[MumOfYoungAdult]

Thank you so much for your beautiful message. You offer some great suggestions and I’m grateful for your input and support.

I’m actually in disbelief. After submitting my post, my husband and I had a long discussion with my son (mostly us talking and my son listening with his back to us, and making light of everything we said). Something must have resonated because last night he booked an appointment with his GP for next week, and asked if I’d drive him there. We are overjoyed beyond words and hopeful for the first time in almost 3 years!

[Fiatlux]

Hi MumofYoungAdult,

So glad to read your update.

My boys are 27 and 29 this year. 

The younger one went through a lot of difficult even during High School but is slowly maturing and getting Better.

During COVID both were a little lost but the older one at least had already graduated with a Masters Degree and continued his SES volunteering and took on a few short work contracts, working from home. He prefers the human interaction with his current employment in the Emergency services sector.

My younger one is getting better each year now but he too has had ups and downs with depression and anxiety which is manageable with treatment. He is working in an electrical / electronics trade which suits him as every day is different. Getting out to work wasn’t easy. Fortunately as a trainee / apprentice he had a good senior guide who was patient and calm. My son now believes that he is far better than the older guy who taught him the ropes.

My son still has days when he feels exhausted with the 5 days a week grind and needs the occasional break. But it’s a massive improvement from 2020 when he slept all day for about a year.

Since then he’s rejoined a martial arts gym which gets out and socialising and getting fit and even spent a month in Thailand last year on a lovely holiday with friends. 

My eldest has been a volunteer with SES since he was 18 and absolutely loves it. The friendships he has formed but also has led to good paid employment as well. Travelling around Australia and the USA has broadened his skills and life experiences. 

When I think back to when my 27 year old was 22, I was so concerned for him and his future, but things are looking better all the time. 

He will have a breakthrough and he will amaze you, because you have his back. 🙏🏼 Fiatlux 

[MumOfYoungAdult]

It’s wonderful to hear that your sons are in a good head-space and thriving, despite their previous struggles. Thank you for taking the time to share your story. It’s so reassuring and comforting. Much appreciated.

[therising]

That's amazing. I'm so glad he was able to feel your support, enough to make a difference. Progress can definitely come in steps. Making an appointment with the GP is a significant step.

[therising]

Hi MumOfYoungAdult

I just recalled one of the things my daughter said to me when she was really struggling. It was along the lines of 'There are times where I don't want or need you to 'fix' me. What I want more than anything is for you to feel for me, to feel how I feel, so that I'm not left feeling (my feelings) alone'. While I'd regarded myself as an empathetic person up to that point, she gave me a next level education. It definitely helps when our child tells us how they're feeling, so that we can connect to that and, in turn, connect to them and their emotions. Of course, a healthy level of detachment is important, otherwise we can't remain objective while we're feeling as down, as confused or as lost as they are. The business of parenting/guidance is an intensely challenging business at time, for sure. Always an education.