How do I help depressed 17 year-old daughter?

[Concerned_Mum]

Hello,

My 17-year-old daughter has just finished year 12. Right now she should be off celebrating but she doesn't want to leave her room. She and 4 of her friends (2 of whom she is particularly close to & are very supportive) booked accommodation for four nights away at the coast. They were just going to have a low key, fun time (with no alcohol) but my daughter now doesn't want to participate. 

She says she has social anxiety (including not wanting to eat in front of people - which her friends are aware of), generalised anxiety and depression. Going through 260 days of lockdown in Victoria in 2021/ 2020 really had a bad affect on her mental state. She refuses to see a psychologist or a GP.

In the past, I've given her library books on how to cope with anxiety and depression (which went unread) and web articles on self-help, as well as messaging her with links to mindfulness apps. 

I empathise with everything she is going through as I had almost the same struggles as her as a teenager (although didn't have the fear of eating in front of other people). I used to push myself out of my comfort zone though (which she is often not prepared to do). 

I tell her all the time that I love her (and write cards to that effect, as well) and pick roses for her which I place in a vase on her desk. Quite often my daughter doesn't let me hug her. Sometimes she won't even make eye contact. This time last year she was self harming (making cuts on her thigh) and I'm worried she's going to start that up again. 

My daughter's depression and anxiety seems to be triggering my own latent depression and anxiety. I'm crying while I type this.

I know there's no magic wand one can wave (I wish there was) but does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to help her?

Thanks.

[smallwolf]

hello.

i can see from your post how much you care about your daughter and what she is going through at the moment. It would be really nice if our kids listened to us! 

have you tried suggesting Kids Helpline? From what it sounds like (from your post) it might be ignored but worth a shot?

my other thought is how you talk to her about this situation. That is, whether the topic is approached as "you need help" or whether it is more like "I am very concerned about ..." It is the you vs I method of communication.

My last thought is whether or what you have shared with your daughter about your own story in this area?

[Concerned_Mum]

Thanks for your reply smallwolf. I haven't suggested Kids Helpline as I know she would never phone them. She never talks to strangers (even helpful ones) if she can help it.

I have tried all means of communicating with her about her situation (both the 'you need help' and the 'I am very concerned about...') I have also told her all about what I went through at a similar age. 

I guess I just have to keep letting her know & feel that we're there for her.  I am grateful that she has two dogs she adores to keep her company.  I think they are her anchor.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Concerned_Mum,

I wasn't sure if I should write as I don't know if I'd be helpful, but I want you to know that you are helping.

My experience with my own mental health and my parents couldn't be more opposite; the way that you care, support, suggest and talk is so important and valued even if it may never seem that way.  For what it's worth, I would have done anything to have the kind of support you're giving your daughter.

By simply being there, she knows you're a safe space- which is not always easy to find.  Maybe that can be part of the process, is just learning that it's okay to just 'be there'.  You can't fix it, there's no magic wand, but sometimes it can be enough.  Showing up is powerful.

What's also important is taking care of yourself.  While waving a magic wand might not be possible, it is possible to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

rt

p.s. Headspace and Kids Helpline also have a web-chat which is way easier then picking up the phone too, and Lifeline have a way to text; just in case she's open to it.