How do I cope with the possibility that my new partner may become severely depressed someday?

[stillofthesilence]

Hi, I am not exactly sure where to start, but this is one of the only places I could find online for the partners, family, etc. of those who

suffer from depression.

I recently started dating somebody who

suffers from depression. She started medication a few months ago and it has been going well. One thing she's noticed is that while the day-to-day hopelessness and despair are gone, she feels everything more intensely than she used to. So the highs are good, and the day to day is good, but worries that if something happens and she swings into a low it will be more than she can handle. She is afraid of hitting a wall when something that life throws at her causes her to snap - that she won't be able to handle it and will be lured in by the dark force of distressing thoughts. Has anybody else experienced this? That is my first questions.

The second part is that I am quickly falling in love with her. We have very open discussions about her depression and mental health, which I really value. I am not going to run away from her depression, or her, just because it may cause me worry. It

seems that I've hit a point where I'm like okay, if I am going to love her and be with her, then I need to figure out how to live without worrying in a debilitating manner about becoming severely depressed. I can handle the depression, getting her out of bed to get food in her body, and many of the other tough parts about being with somebody with depression. I know this. I just don't know how to handle the possibility that someday she may not be able to cope anymore. The thought of it nauseates and devastates me now, and I can't imagine what it would do to me if we continue down this road and end up being together for many years. 
 

[AGrace]

Hi stillofthesilence,

Welcome! Its great that you've found these forums, and many of the members here are people caring with someone living with mental ill health, so I'm sure you will find lots of support and understanding.

Having a mental illness myself, I understand your gf's fears of depression coming back in full force. So to answer your question, this is a very common and natural worry. I guess see it from the perspective that if this does happen then you and her have the tools to identify it and manage it. What do I mean by tools? While she is well its a good opportunity for you to start filling your toolkit with knowledge about resources and supports available to her if she heads down the depressive road. She can see her Dr, have her medications revised, talk with a Psychologist/Psychiatrist, make lifestyle changes, practice techniques to improve her mood and lessen the distress (mindfulness, Acceptance & Commitment Therapy, Cognitive Based Therapy, Distress Tolerance, Emotional Regulation, Meditation etc. - These are all things that you can both research online), and if it comes to it she has the option of going into hospital to get some extra care. She is also lucky to have you as a support.

Try not to worry too much, but instead do some careful planning. My partner and I found it really helpful to do a thorough relapse prevention/crisis management plan. If you want to work on one of these with your girlfriend there's a template available on the Centre for Clinical Intervention website. It gets you and your girlfriend to write a plan for what to do if things start to deteriorate, and my partner and I refer to mine often.

I hope this helps.

AGrace

[geoff]

dear SoSilence,I do love this post, believe it, because it's such a caring comment for someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, knowing that she suffers from depression, as not too many people would offer this much help to someone.

Learning and being able to understand and fill your 'toolkit' as Amber has suggested is a great idea, because through life different circumstances will arise for the both of you, and as you face the prospects of life maturing it will all change for you.

Talking about her depression is really good because the both of you need to learn so much about this disease, as it will change with work, having children, social events and the challenge of the possibility of changing psych's as well as medication, because as time progress' there will many different factors that will alter your life.

So explore this toolkit, know and learn from it and all the different changes as you become middle-aged to elderly.

As the relationship matures then it's not going to easy to get her out of bed, because by then she will not want to do what you ask her to do, maybe I'm wrong, but I am just warning you about this, especially if her depression worsens, and it's not anybody's fault but this disease causes all of this, so try and keep one step in front of her, and this can be done by researching, and by reading posts in the 'older people' section below.

There are some great comments there, and maybe the 'Pregnancy and early parenthood' as well and then all of these can be added to AGrace's suggestions for her toolkit.

I would also suggest that you keep in touch with us, because the comments may relate to your situation.

Good on you for wanting to do this. Geoff.

[Pixie15]

Hi stillofthesilence,

I think your post indicates that you have great heart and are a practical and careful person. Geoff and Amber have both given some useful feedback. 

One thing that I suggest if you want to continue the relationship is to take it slowly and gently. My partner was a different person when he was first on medication. Try not to get rushed into a relationship that may be more about rescuing or care giving rather than mutual support.

Keep your own life and support in place. Have your own interests and other people that can give you the additional support and intimacy that you need.

On a more hopeful note. Not everyone has recurring episodes of depression. Learn as much as you can about the condition.

Grateful.

[stillofthesilence]

Hi AGrace,

Thank you so much for this response. I am in a in a very difficult place right now, and also am coming to terms with the realities of my anxiety, which are currently in full force. It turns out over the weekend that the medication and depression took a turn for the worse. We both just graduated college and she still lives with her parents, and she has let me know that she is safe. She is currently considering an inpatient program to try to help figure out what is going on, which I fully support. She is one of the most compassionate, selfless people that I know and keeps apologizing for the effects that this is having on me. I hear from her every few hours via text, just little updates on how she is doing. While I've been putting on a good face for her because she needs to focus on herself, I am scared and anxious about different things. The most important, obviously, is her safety and health. The second, is that I am afraid that she will push me away because she is so scared of how this is affecting me. I am doing everything I can to assure her that I am taking care of myself, which I am despite how difficult this has been. In fact, I have my own therapy appointment in 2 hours.

I just feel very lost right now. I have read and know through close friends with depression that they often push away the people that care about them because they are afraid of how it affects them. I don't want to be pushed away. In fact, the more information I have the better and less anxious I feel. We have been dating for about a month, so this is still very new. All I know is that I am ready to and wanting to embrace every single part of her, including this, and want to do everything necessary to show her that she deserves people by her side and doesn't have to push them away. Any advice?

 Everything is so appreciated, and I am really happy that I sought out this forum.

- Julia

[stillofthesilence]

Sorry -- I am still getting the hang of how this forum works. I didn't know if I had to reply to everybody individually or collectively. That response is a thank you to all who replied, and I would appreciate any further advice. This is helping me a lot, thank you.

- Julia

[geoff]

dear Julia, thanks for your replies as it's always great to hear back from the person who has posted.

What you can do is click under' resources' at the top of this page, or any in fact, and click on 'printed material' where you can order all of this from BB, it's all free but the information it details is enormous, as it describes different types of depression, what it means to have it and what family, friends can do to help, so it's very intensive and you will find that it may answer some questions that we have missed. L Geoff. x

[Chris_B]

Hi Julia,

You might want to check out our Have The Conversation resources and videos.