How do I approach my partner to get help?

[Bbread]

Hi there,

 I've been with my partner for about 3 years. 

Ive suspected for a while now that he has Borderline Personality Disorder.  Based purely on Internet research so not definite but he ticks all the boxes for personality traits.

In our years together, he's been charming, helpful, compassionate, driven, smart, super talented, kind, nasty, abusive, disloyal, untruthful, abusive, manipulative, unpredictable and unreliable.  An absolute roller coaster.

Ive left him in the past (moved countries back home), got a new job etc. But totally bought into his promises to change and then before I had time to realise these were more empty promises, we got pregnant.

Now I have the most amazing daughter but am back in a relationship with someone I don't trust and has the ability to flip out  (even in front of our daughter) and things turn absolutely chaotic till he calms down again.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do or how I can approach him about the possibility that he has a mental illness?  We've talked many times about counselling but because he CONSTANTLY changes our living situation, it makes it really hard to tie him down to see someone.  He also works a LOT so that makes it harder too.

I think maybe we/he needs something more than counselling. I'm not sure. Open to any advice.

[Kathryne]

Hi bbread

I'm concerned about the statement abusive.

How does your daughter cope.

Abuse of any sort is not acceptable within a relationship. 

The statement you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. Seems to apply have you considered counseling for yourself to determine what you want out of a relationship. Do you want your daughter growing up thinking this is normal. 

Frequently changes to living situation does that mean you have little or no support from family and friends?

I hope you can find resolution try counseling for yourself only at first to obtain strategies for dealing with the mood changes. Beyond blue have amazing resources to help

Wishing you well

Kathyrne

[Bbread]

Our daughter is 10 months so she just looks confused if we start fighting. I hate it though. It doesn't happen often but even once or twice is too much.

I definitely don't want her to grow up thinking this is normal and I ask home that same thing.  He came from an abusive childhood (his dad, who is the lovliest guy now) so I know he struggles feeling like he's repeating that pattern. He's never and will never touch our daughter, but for some reason he somehow justifies touching me as not that bad (at the time), then ends up feeling bad about it when he calms down.

I talk to his mum about it. She's been a really good support and keeps telling me that if I want to leave him then she will do whatever she can to help me and my daughter. 

 I think counselling for myself might be a good idea.

I keep going through the motions of feeling like I can't deal with this anymore and want to leave, then he tries to patch things up and is nice, then I think maybe if we just get help, then I'm just so mentally exhausted that I just continue on not doing anything (which is my own fault, I should do something, I know) while things are 'normal' but then eventually s*** hits the fan again and the cycle continues.