High functioning but severely depressed

[MummaBear]

This is all so complicated I will just talk about what is going on now...

I am staying with my 26 year old son as everything spiralled when he failed a uni exam. I live in regional Victoria and he just south of Coolangatta.  I knew he was struggling as he was phoning me every day and sometimes twice.

He presents as so together,studying at uni, working, exercising, no drugs or alcohol. Is on Anti depressants  has a therapist and a caring and supportive GP. 

When I arrived he shared he had a suicide plan and if his ex partner hadn't picked up the phone he would have carried it out. I have been here 2 weeks. We finally have an admission date but it is a month away. As he is an adult I can't talk to the drs, hospital etc and my son will not include me in appointments, he needs an earlier date. 2 psychiatrists have said complex PTSD.

At times my son has been highly anxious, aggressive and agitated, there is now a hole in a door, and then uncontrollable crying and saying he wants to die. 

I was struggling and my partner dropped everything and came up. He has a good relationship with my son but now things have got difficult.  My partner and I thought we could have a conversation  about making a plan how to manage, and that we have a life too. And where do we fit in. My son is out a lot of the time, this is how he manages by keeping busy ( which is great) but we are left in his flat with no purpose, he says just enjoy a seaside holiday and it stresses him that we don't do stuff. 

He kept saying he just wanted us to be like a flat mate but when pushed on this what he actually said was he is scared to be alone as he doesn't know what might happen.

Now my son is upset about the conversation, we misread the situation. I have said I won't leave until he is in hospital and my partner is now shutting down and withdrawing because he is bored and frustrated. 

I have told him to go home because I can't jolly him along and deal with my son. 

My ex husband and son's father is clueless about depression ( just snap out of it!). My son says he can put up with his Dad visiting but I think this is because he feels guilty we are here. 

I am overwhelmed and trying to keep calm. My son and I have a tricky relationship, we love each other but it is very complicated because of his struggles with his mental health. 

Don't even know what I am asking....

My psychologist said this is a  unhealthy situation for me  but I feel as though I can not leave my son. What to do, the priority is keeping my son safe. I think being bored and frustrated is a small price to pay. 

[therising]

Hi MummaBear

I feel for you so much as you face what must feel so incredibly heartbreaking and that is knowing your child is suffering so intensely, so deeply. As a mum myself, I know the deep and loving connection we have to our kids can be both a gift and an enormous challenge at times, especially when we can feel their pain.

While 'What am I prepared to do?', could involve a willingness to do whatever it takes in such a crisis, it may also involve the possibility that nothing or no one may have prepared you for this crisis. If you stayed another month, with or without your partner, how would you prepare or plan for that? Are you able to schedule Zoom calls with your psychologist during this time, as mental health support for you? Are you able to talk with your son about the conditions you need to live in, in order to support him while not meeting with a major crisis of your own? This could include you saying something along the lines of 'While I can relate to your overwhelming need to vent, some of these ways are a major trigger for me. We need to talk about different ways for us to vent that we can both manage'. Whether it's about crying things out or going off to buy a freestanding punching bag to put in his room, there could be some alternatives that allow him to release. If you and your partner stayed another month, how would you both prepare for the stay? While it's not the ideal break away from home, what would an itinerary look like? If you haven't already rented a car, is this a possibility, so you could both venture further afield? Could involve a bit of research.

'What are you able to do?', could involve being able to change your son's mind in a number of ways. If he doesn't want to push to bring the admission date forward, if you say you'll back him up with the push, would that make a difference? Are you perhaps able to persuade him to return home for a couple of weeks for a break from his environment and then return with him, closer to the admission date? Of course, a lot depends on what you're able to afford, financially. If you're able to get a loan during this crisis, is that something that could open up more possibilities? Btw, if it would just cause more stress, that one's definitely off the table.

Personally, I've found one of the greatest tests (regarding depression) was the test of living alone with it, coming back to a flat where I lived on my own. This is something I did in my 20s and I couldn't manage it. In hindsight, I needed management strategies. The quite time alone with inner dialogue became a massive challenge that led to a crisis. If we can imagine our inner demons rubbing their little hands together, they tend to thrive on getting us alone.

This is a massive first time challenge for you, these specific circumstances. Be kind to your self while you're trying to work out how to make your way through it. While you offer guidance and support for you son, guidance and support is something you need as well.

You've actually woken me up to something and I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I truly do. Whether spoken or unspoken, the vows we make are not just in marriage. Whether it's our partner, our close friends, family members or specifically our child/ren 'In good times and in bad, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health (including mental health)' become vows that express our love and ways of evolving together.

[David35]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I personally had similar thoughts many years ago, but never had a plan. This level of despair is hard to comprehend from the outsider. My own reasons were feelings of failure. I had acquired an engineering degree but due to a stupid night out, injured my brain which essentially meant I could no longer work in my profession. So there was shame, guilt, worthlessness. The best thing you can do for someone in this situation is just love them, unconditionally. Why did he lose it about failing an exam at uni? You can always resit exams or do the course again next year... It's not always all or nothing. This is the trap I fell into. Life isn't like that, as I'm sure you're aware.

The most common reason people feel like this is that they can't see a way through their problems. But there are always options,  even if we cant see them yet. PTSD usually has a cause. It would help to identify the cause.

I'll give an example. Recently, I developed PTSD because I was made to feel weak or lacking in my ability to cope with my mums health issues. I had no support, and what little i had was very desteuctive. I've since learnt that it was normal to feel like I did. But the pressure to avoid acknowledging those scary feelings makes things worse. The best thing you can do is love him, despite him feeling this way. Then he thinks it's okay to share. Telling him to snap out of it only buries the confusion further within himself.

[MummaBear]

Thankyou for your support. My son received an early admission and has been diagnosed with CPTSD & OCD. I am here just hovering and listening to him. As his mother I just want to fix his pain but am so powerless. I feel so responsible for things during his childhood that were not addressed and have contributed to his diagnosis. 

He hasn't disclosed much to his father and watered down the situation, staying at a wellness clinic, not a psych hospital etc. It is my son's decision what he discloses but why should he 'protect' his father because he thinks he doesn't have the capacity to understand ? He told him of his diagnosis and he said 'Guess you will be dealing with that forever.' 

I am here for however long so I can visit him in hospital. My partner goes home tomorrow for a break. I cannot leave. 

I feel like I am waist deep in mud so can only imagine how my beautiful, kind, intelligent  son feels. 

[therising]

Hi MummaBear

It's good to hear your son gained early admission, which offers some relief for you too.

One of the toughest things about parenting can be hindsight. While I've apologised to my kids for what I should have done differently in their lives when they were younger, I also tell them that it was because I was not as conscious as I am now. Talking to them about what I was not conscious of and why I lacked consciousness has proven to be therapeutic for all of us. I think there can come a point, perhaps when we begin to develop a more adult relationship with our kids and things become easier for them to put into words, that we can begin to help each other develop and become more conscious together. My kids are 18 and 21. One of the most significant challenges with this 'consciousness' or 'waking up' business can involve listening to our kids' honest feelings (something along the lines of 'I don't think you realised how much this hurt me, mum'). While a rise in consciousness can be incredibly productive and liberating in certain ways, I've found it's not always pain free.

I think sometimes it's easier for a child to manage a parent in certain ways. With the way your son manages his dad, it reminds me of how my kids manage their father. With a closed minded parent, who's not going to open their mind too much, it can be easier to squeeze a suggestion in there rather than try and get all the facts in there. My kids know their father is closed minded with certain facts and they can do without the judgement on top of it. How they manage their father serves their mental health and that's the most important thing. For your son to suggest to his father that he needs help with his wellbeing is a good start. For him to know that he has you as the supportive open minded guide/parent/friend in his life would mean the world to him. I imagine you are both 2 beautiful, kind, intelligent, deeply feeling peas in a pod, developing together. You might find that his way forward through therapy offers you some light on your path and you can begin to relate to each other in more ways than you can currently imagine. ❤️

[MummaBear]

Thankyou for your comforting words.