Here we go again

[KG82]

In September last year my partner (who has a history of mental illness) stopped talking to me out of the blue. After several long weeks of very minimal communication she started talking again, and she told me she’d been completely overwhelmed by starting a new job and she’d shut down. Things got better and we started communicating and spending time together again. We didn’t talk in depth about what had happened, but over the last few months have had conversations about her mental health which has been a huge step. Once again she’s stopped talking to me, but did send me a message to say I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was going ok, giving her space, until today. At the moment I am scared because I really have no idea what’s going on. Although I know that this isn’t about me, it’s still upsetting and I have my moments where I feel totally devastated. I’m going on with my life as best I can, and have support, but I’m limited in what I tell other people as many just think I should leave... something I don’t want to do.

[815]

Hi KG82,

I can totally relate to the overwhelming crushing feeling.

As hard as it might be to believe right now though, Summer Rose is right, it will eventually pass.

And I know you probably find it hard to believe, but you are amazingly strong. No matter the outcome, please remember that.

Be kind to yourself. Take care.

[KG82]

After almost 2 months of not talking to me she has ended things. I sent her a message to say that I planned to visit because I was worried and she told me that it is over. The message that she sent was cold and reminiscent of the way that she communicates when she is in an episode (which I thought that she was anyway). The whole way that this has panned out has been incredibly cruel and I know that there is absolutely no use in trying to put my point across because she lacks the insight at the moment to see the damage that her behaviour has caused. While I can see that much of how she has acted has been driven by her illness, it doesn’t stop the fact that I am absolutely devastated and feeling such an intensity of grief. I really needed her to understand how much she has hurt me, but the reality is that I will have to heal myself. I have put so much love and compassion into her and our relationship, and I really don’t know how to move forward at the moment. I have done everything that I can to support her and I can’t help that she refuses to acknowledge her mental illness and get help. I am finding it hard to reconcile that while I will respect her wishes and leave that I haven’t been respected in the way that she has treated me.Right now I am hurting so much and I don’t need the comments that it is for the best.

[Summer Rose]

Hi KG82

You have crossed my mind more than a few times lately, so I am grateful for the update.

I am so sorry that you have been left broken hearted. It is so sad for both of you. And it is so unfair, yet here we are.

You will no doubt cry and grieve for some time. That’s expected and okay.

Right now, I sit with you in your despair. Please know that from my experience, some things are just not meant to be. I don’t know why but things—health, geography, family, career and the list goes on—just get in the way. You are not alone.

But, after an appropriate time, I want to encourage you to take small steps to get yourself back into the swing of life. From my experience, it will be challenging and things may not feel “right” for awhile but you will need to push through.

That’s probably enough for today. One step at a time, you’ll get through this.

Kind thoughts to you

[815]

Hi KG82,

I am so sad to hear your update. I can feel your heart ache through your words. I know that this is going to be a very difficult time for you. Take the time you need to grieve the loss of the relationship and let yourself feel what you need to. I can feel how much you love her and really wanted to support her. Please take care of yourself, and when you are ready, I guess you will start the process of healing on your own. But I know all of this will take time so please be kind to yourself.

[KG82]

I just thought I’d post a quick update. I ran into her a couple of weeks ago, and she looked even worse than I had expected. Very flat affect and virtually impossible to hold a conversation. Over the past two years I have seen her episodes getting longer and more intense, and it’s devastating to observe and not be able to help. During the week when I am at work I cope fairly well, but on the weekends it’s tough. I’m really concerned for her because I know how little social support she has, and I suspect that she’s just waiting out the episode.

[Summer Rose]

Hi KG82

It must have been really hard to see her being so unwell. Even if you were still together I’m not sure anything would be different for her.

Unfortunately, there is really nothing you can do for her at present.

I know you’re worried. Why don’t you write her a letter? You don’t have to post it. Just get all your feelings off your chest. There’s just something about the act of writing things down that’s a release.

Glad work is keeping you busy. Are you seeing friends on the weekends. Push yourself out a bit, the social connections are good for the soul.

Kind thoughts to you

[KG82]

Hi Summer Rose,

I tend to agree that there’s not a lot that I can do right now. It’s a really hard thing to sit with the discomfort.

We have weekend sport which is a blessing in disguise. It means that I have to get out of the house for at least a couple of hours, and I spend the time talking with the other parents about all kinds of random things. I also have some beautiful friends who check on me, and good neighbours as well. I don’t talk about it with a lot of people because I feel (rightly or wrongly) that I’m judged for not having completely left without looking back. I think that if I didn’t know how unwell she is, that it would be much easier to walk away.

I do have a lot to keep me busy though, and things that I look forward to. I also have a wonderful psychologist who has seen me through the ups and downs.

I have thought about writing a letter. There is so much inside that I’m a bit scared to let it out.

[815]

Hi KG82,

It's nice to see you back on the forums with an update.

I think if it were me I would also find it very difficult to let go, especially because the reason for the separation was due to her depression, and not anyone's fault.

I am glad to hear though that you are keeping busy and that you have support and things to look forward to. I think the best you can do right now is keep looking after yourself. Take care.

[KG82]

Hi 815,

Yes that’s it. She’s unwell and most likely overwhelmed. I’ve been in the depths of depression several years ago, and I know the lies that my depressed mind told me. It took a lot of challenge from a very switched on psychologist to help change those thought patterns. So yes, letting go is hard.

Part of me also feels like a kid in class who has been paying attention and has lots of useful information. I’ve watched the mood swings and from a lot of research into bipolar have figured out her early telling symptoms of a mood swing. Unfortunately it’s only actually useful if she wants to use it. She has about a 2 week lead in before things get really bad, and during this time I checked in a few times to see how she was doing and was told fine, but there had been subtle changes.

So on I go getting on with life.