Here we go again

[KG82]

In September last year my partner (who has a history of mental illness) stopped talking to me out of the blue. After several long weeks of very minimal communication she started talking again, and she told me she’d been completely overwhelmed by starting a new job and she’d shut down. Things got better and we started communicating and spending time together again. We didn’t talk in depth about what had happened, but over the last few months have had conversations about her mental health which has been a huge step. Once again she’s stopped talking to me, but did send me a message to say I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was going ok, giving her space, until today. At the moment I am scared because I really have no idea what’s going on. Although I know that this isn’t about me, it’s still upsetting and I have my moments where I feel totally devastated. I’m going on with my life as best I can, and have support, but I’m limited in what I tell other people as many just think I should leave... something I don’t want to do.

[815]

Hi KG82,

Welcome back to the forum. I know it has been some time since you posted. Firstly, I am glad to hear that you and your partner managed to talk about things over the past few months. It is definitely a positive step forward. However, unfortunately as is the way with mental illness, we know that it is up and down and there will be bumps along the road...

I wish I had the answers. But all I can say is that I think you are amazing to be standing by her, and to be seeking support for yourself so that you can support her. All I can suggest is, be consistent in your love and support, but don't have the same expectations of her at the moment.

I do hope things will get better over time.

[KG82]

Hi 815,

I had naively hoped that we’d have the opportunity to talk and that she’d get help and that we’d have strategies to cope going forward. We did talk and I feel like we made good progress in me understanding what was going on for her. I encouraged her to seek help, but things improved and she didn’t feel the need.

When she’s quiet I use the opportunity to learn more about her condition. Luckily I have a job that I love and I’m finding it challenging, which is an excellent distraction. I think I’m a lot calmer this time than I was a few months ago. I still find it distressing and have my moments, but overall I think I have more perspective.

[815]

Hi KG82,

I think that's the best you can hope for, that you are able to deal with things better as time goes on.

I can totally relate to you when you say that, things improved and your she felt she didn't need help. Through our counselling sessions my husband admitted that he heard me tell him to get help, but he refused because he thought things weren't that bad and that he was coping. It took a while before he realised for himself how bad things were and that he truly needed help (more than what I could offer).

I think the best you can do is continue to look after yourself, and just be there for her when she allows you.

[KG82]

Hi 815,

When she’s in the midst of an episode there’s no point saying any more than just supportive messages. I wish we had have talked more about a plan when she was doing better. She was so close to getting help and then didn’t.

[815]

Hi KG82,

I think that's the hard thing. When they are doing better, it seems to be the best time to talk to them. But because they are doing better, they don't necessarily want to talk about the bad things. I think I have mentioned this before, but when things were bad, I don't even think my husband realised how bad it was until he actually went to see his GP and started getting help. But unfortunately it really is for them to learn how to navigate this illness. And it is for us to learn how best to support them as everyone is different. And I imagine that even every episode that they go through is different and the support they need each time may be different...

[ecomama]

Hi KG82

How are things going atm with your partner?

How are you feeling?

Just wanted to pop in and offer some support.

Love EM

[KG82]

Hi 815 and EM,

I still haven’t heard from her and I feel really sad and isolated. I don’t feel like I can talk to many people because they are very quick to judge the situation and tell me that I should leave or that she’s a bad person. I’ve done a lot of reading about why people isolate themselves and I am starting to gain a better understanding. I’m trying not to take it personally, but the reality is that I miss her and wonder how hard it is to send a brief message. From the conversations that we have had previously this is a pretty ingrained behaviour. I spoke with a friend last night who validated how I am feeling and the approach that I am taking of reaching out periodically. Right now I am looking for a glimmer of hope. I don’t need to be asked how long I am willing to put up with being shut out or if I want this to go on. I just need hope and to feel like I am not alone.

[Summer Rose]

Hi KG82

For what it’s worth, I really admire your strength of character. You have chosen a path that reflects what you truly value, while many others would look for an easier route.

Your partner is very lucky to have you.

I can imagine that your mind must be swirling, preoccupied with memories and anxiety about the future at the same time. Now, more than ever, I encourage you not to miss the present.

Please, do your best to enjoy life now. Be gentle with yourself. Do what you can to find and appreciate joy.

You’re not alone. I think you’re an amazing human being.

Kind thoughts to you

[KG82]

Thank you Summer Rose. I don’t feel very strong. I am trying very hard to be in the moment but at times there is an overwhelming crushing feeling.

[Summer Rose]

Hi KG82

I know the feeling you’re talking about and it’s awful. I’m so sorry, my friend.

Just remember that it will eventually pass.

Kind thoughts to you